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We have daily “status meetings” and today — between brutal fake debate sessions — the group informed me that we are bleeding young voters.

Which I just don’t get. Trump is fucking old. So, he got RFK and some kids apparently like that guy. So what!? He’s still fucking old. He may have more energy than I do, more experience, more fight, and he’s done like close to 40 interviews in the time I did one… but who’s counting… ? Oh, and he does have some great ideas (which I try hard to steal, of course) … but still??? I thought young people love me because I brat. And I’m funny and say dumb things.

Speaking of brat. Supposedly I have to drop that too. It is now trending as an acronym— Kamala B.R.A.T. — bitch raisin’ all taxes.

I am raising all taxes, but I need to stop saying that out loud.

Not sure what to sign off with now. Bitch Raising all Taxes just isn’t the tagline I want, even if true.

Maybe instead of “I brat” I sign off with …. Was Tim Walz involved in a giant fraudulent Covid scheme bilking tax payers out of millions?

Doesn’t quite have the same ring to it. I’ll have to think a little more later. Back to the podium!

Pennsylvania is known as the “Unavoidable State” because it’s a large state that connects a significant portion of the United States. It’s “fine” but completely and truly unavoidable for me.

Unavoidable because everyone says I need to win here to get into the White House. And unavoidable because I’m basically a hostage here — my team says I’m stuck here for the next week working on debate prep.

We are going to do back to back mock debates with podiums and people playing Trump and the moderators — basically non-stop — until Tuesday. Joe had those, too, before the debate he had against Trump in June — but the team says mine need to start earlier in the day and include a lot fewer naps breaks.

After my rally Monday I learned a few fun facts about Pittsburgh:

1. It used to be called the “Steel City” because it’s famous for producing steel. They’ve now changed it to “Steal City” because if you leave your car unattended for more than five minutes it’s gonna be stolen. Not as bad as my state — California — where a car is stolen every 2 minutes and 30 seconds — but still pretty bad. As I try to tout my record of lowered crime, I better forget to mention that stat and nickname.

2. People shorten Pittsburgh to “The Burgh.” Some call it “the Dirty Burgh” and some others call it a Democratic mess, with rising crime and kids that can’t read.

3. It’s also called “The Paris of the Appalachians” — I’ve been to Paris; this is no Paris. I haven’t been the Rio Grande portion of the border yet though, I’m not sure what the point of that would be.

4. One of my favorite nicknames for the city is “Hell with the Lid Off” — I’m not actually sure how it got that one but… hilariously accurate.

This visit to Pittsburgh…we might not kick all the customers out of a Pittsburgh restaurant to bring in actors to fill the place for a completely fake, scripted “impromptu” stop at a local restaurant. We might not, but we also might. We got flack for that, but it seems like a reasonable thing to do…My team says they have enough of a hard time editing me to look good, they don’t need the extra work of editing out hecklers screaming “get out demon” or whatever those red hat wearing guys yell. Why do we have free speech again?

Ugh. I’ll write more later. Raccoon Face says I gotta go back to the podium. I told them to get Alec Baldwin or one of the Baldwins to play Trump — that would have made this week a lot more fun.

Kinda hard to be brat here but I trying.

Ok, so I’ve been dreaming crazy things lately.

Could be the extra wine I need to make it through the days on the campaign trail. It’s really not that easy to deal with crotchety Joe and creepy Tim — and — the menagerie of staff like raccoon-face and the other ones.

So anyway, the dream. If you write down a dream immediately after waking up — immediately upon waking — your dream recall can be incredibly strong. And, for me, I can even feel the emotions of the dream as I recall it.

The Dream. So…

I’m with my dad in a lecture hall. It’s just me and him and he’s got a book he’s going to read aloud. I can see the gleam in his eye as he opens his mouth. I can feel the electric excitement as he is about to read from what I assume is one of our many favorite books touting communism. And he starts…

“Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery.”

And I look up in amazement to find that Dad turned into a fat old man that looks like Winston Churchill. And I rush from the desk I’m sitting in and stab him —- and then I wake up, horrified.

Ok, so it’s weird to stab a guy in a dream. It’s troubling. But to have my combative Marxist dad turned into Winston Churchill — a person who consistently believed in both the liberty of the individual and of free markets — that was just horrifying.

I immediately went to Dream Dictionary to find out what the dream could possibly mean. It says, “stabbing Winston Churchill in your dream means you are a socialist, marxist, and/or communist.” No shit, Sherlock.

Little worried about going to sleep tonight. Ugh… that was enough capitalism to last a lifetime. Maybe skip the wine and go straight to tequila.

Still brat.

It’s nice to wake up in the morning knowing I have a light schedule.

Campaigning is a bitch. No other way to say it. But these last few days with nothing to do, it’s been spectacular.

Ok, so today I do have to do a rally with Sleepy Joe. But no questions, smile a little. Say some words written on a prompter — have some wine. Easy.

But then… I’m up getting my coffee and there is a little gift left for me. Even addresses to Kamalanomenon. I’m thinking — how very sweet of someone!

And I open it. It’s a coffee mug. Ok, helpful. Then I turn it around and it says:

“You can’t just leave those who created the problem in charge of the solution.” ~Tyree Scott

And I’m thinking…. Did they mean me? That’s bullshit.

Yes, inflation bad, gas prices up, food prices unreasonable, crime ridiculously bad —- war everywhere. Chaos in the streets; antisemitism rising. Gangs taking over apartment buildings, people feeling unsafe in their own homes? All of these bad things (and probably a few I’m not immediately thinking of) in last 3 1/2 years. While I was there, in office, in the room, with responsibilities. But who’s counting?

I’m just the Vice President. What could I have done? When I’m in office, as the President, my magic wand will fix all those things. Hopefully, because my policies… well… they are much of the same that got us into this mess. Whoever left this for mug for me… fuck ‘em. It might be an accurate and appropriate quote – but fuck ‘em anyway.

A little Baileys in this mug with the coffee — and I say — screw everybody. I brat.

So soon?

Do they have to bring me bad news on my days off!?

I had a surge. I was ahead. I was winning.

And now the team comes in this morning and says they have advance private polling that suggests that in the battleground states — I am not ahead. I am losing.

Fake news never sleeps, my nemesis Trump would say.

“These are real numbers” — raccoon face staffer says.

I reply — of course — “go away Rocky (my pet name for raccoon face, I’m not sure what her real name is) — but get me a Bloody Mary first.”

I certainly hope they have something up their sleeve. The plan now is just to wait this one out in the basement and wait for time to pass while we wait for the passage of time. The significance of the passage of time, right? The significance of the passage of time. So when you think about it, there is great significance to the passage of time. And time will pass and if I don’t say much, we will be ok.

I have to win; I need to make changes that will probably make people regret voting for me, but they need to be made. I’m a Kamalanomenon. And we know what’s best for America— higher taxes, more freebies for undocumented “illegals”, bigger government, less individual freedom, less school choice, more biological men in girls sports, less healthcare choices, mandatory electric cars (or no cars at all?) — the good stuff … we know what’s best.

This Bloody Mary is amazing. Raccoon face may have a future as a bartender if this election turns out to be a bust. And I can always brat.

I’m Kamala Fucking Harris, also known as Momala, Comrade Commala — whatever. What matters is — I’m a Kamalanomenon.

One hell of a phenomenon— taking America by storm. Mostly because I’m not the old guy; our party isn’t led by the crypt keeper sleepy Joe now. We finally have a nominee that can walk up stairs and finish sentences (sometimes), and… well, basically a candidate that is alive.

How long will the phenomenon last? Hard to tell. Right now, they figure if I can hide out until November — of course a few rallys here and there and I MIGHT have to do the debate (might not… they said … we’ll see, they said) — but the less time in front of cameras is better — and then maybe I can ride this enthusiasm wave all the way to the election.

With 65 days to go, the staff seems very very very concerned…

What’s worrying everyone? I’m a literal Kamalanomenon.

Well….

The American voter’s top three priorities are:

1. The economy and prices

2. The immigration “crisis”

3. Safety/Rising Crime

My big campaign priorities are:

1. Promising to protect women by allowing them to kill their unborn babies up until the minute before birth and

2. Allowing anyone to come across the border as I have for past years while I was in office — criminals, human traffickers— whoever wants to come in, let them come

And

3. Protecting the world from the existential threat of the “climate crisis” even if it jeopardizes people’s freedom, costs them more, requires higher taxes, takes away basic needs, travel, work, jobs, etc.

So… my priorities are slightly different but still awesome. People love me, my smile, my laugh, my whole vibe.

And when it comes time to actually vote?

Well, the polls do show that they trust Trump to manage the economy and the border and crime more than they trust me to.

And while I was up in all the polls and even with the Vegas bookmakers, this is starting to slide a bit. The Vegas bookies — they now believe we both have a 49.1% chance of winning the election.

So…. 65 days to go. Could it be a nail biter?

Just remember — I’m a Kamalanomenon, and I can keep hiding from the press, and wait this thing out. The media, Hollywood, the liberal elites —- they all have my back. We good. Right?

We had that lengthy interview and seven minutes of it were heaven. Well, if you don’t ever look at Walz. Yuck.

They ended up airing 17 1/2 minutes, but really they should have stuck to the good 7.

I only mispronounced Dana’s name three times during the interview. They kept one in the edited version, maybe to make me look a little more human.

It’s “Dan a” — not Dane a. Like it’s Comma La not Ka Mala.

When people mispronounce my name, we call them rude — obviously they are intentionally dehumanizing me — we even make up stuff about them and persecute them and sometimes playfully call them Hitler.

When I mispronounce people’s names it is cute and endearing. There’s no double standard with anything. It’s just facts. Facts all the time.

Like the “facts” I said in the interview. Inflation is down. Fact. When we took office it was 1.2% and now it’s 3.2% so it’s not down. But as long as I say it, and get the media to report that, we good.

Same with crime. I say it’s down. Most people know it’s actually up. But cities no longer have to report crimes, and we changed the rules so most shoplifting isn’t even a reportable crime anymore anyway. So while crime is way way way way way worse, we just say it’s better and that is the fact. We really should teach a class called “Liberal Math: How to Distort the Numbers and Make People Believe Them.” Basically, you make up numbers, repeat them a lot, and get the media to regurgitate it. I’m pretty sure Gavin Newsome has his Doctorate in Fake Liberal Math. But he sounds so so good. I need to work a bit on my delivery, I guess. One of the staffers said I seemed a little petrified and tired. I tried little Gen Z fucker.

Anyway, I think the highlight was my answer to fracking. I said, “When we invest in clean energy and electric vehicles and reduce population, more of our children can breathe clean air and drink clean water.” Reduce population? I didn’t mean that… I was supposed to say pollution. Freudian slip, they might say. But really, I’m pretty sure I just misspoke and was supposed to say pollution. Reducing population — that’s well, a conspiracy theory — that many “leaders” like me want to control population, or reduce it by spreading disease, by forcing unsafe vaccines, endless wars and by… well, the things. Most conspiracy theories are just theories though.

I’m taking a day off. I deserve it. I’m mean — one interview and a short bus tour with Walz was more than this future leader of the world could manage. It is a rest day or maybe a few… that would be nice.

Mai Tai me…

So the state of Peachiness, Georgia, hasn’t been all peachy. We did get bands, BBQ, and brews (thank god for the brews) and FINALLY Tim Walz left to go to NC, narrowly escaping from me stabbing him. But we also had too much time together confined on the torture bus and a lot of ass-kissing to try and gain votes in a predominantly red state we want to turn blue again… and also …the interview.

The interview. It had its few good moments, its mostly awkward moments, and then the pretty awful moments. My staff told me it would be fine after editing. “The magic of editing will make you look better”…and … “Don’t worry, the American people will not see the many times you gave pretty dumb awkward answers, Kamala.” I tried, fuckers.

By the way, they told me the Presidential ballot in Georgia will have these choices, in this order:

• Donald J. Trump 
• Kamala Harris 
• Chase Oliver 
• Jill Stein 
• Claudia De la Cruz 
• Cornel West 

Why did Trump get listed first? Because Kemp, a Republican, is the Governor. That’s not fair.

I don’t think we tried hard enough to get Trump removed from every ballot. Why should the people get to decide who they vote for? They sometimes need to be told what’s good for them.

I’m making a note to change the rules going forward. People just have too many choices. Look at the other world leaders like China and Russia. China’s opposition party lasted a day and the founder went to jail for like 8 years. Russia — well, any opposition to Putin that is still alive is probably in a Siberian prison doing hard time.

Sounds rather nice. Much better than going head to head in debates, having to do bus tours and interviews, and kissing the asses of these Georgians and the rest of the world.

Damn right. Oh — and Cornel and Claudia — they both clueless. They should get their socialist followers to vote for the leading socialist in the race — me. If I see them I’ll be sure and hold my finger and thumb in a shape of an L on my forehead — just for fun.

I still brat.

I have been in the bus only a few minutes and I am really regretting agreeing to this.

I don’t have kids. I do have incredible step-children — one of which was recently named most beautiful girl in the world on the internet (my mirror still says I’m the fairest of them all, so…) — and the other is the other one.

Anyway. I can imagine the torture it must be if you have a kid and they get a loud toy, or they scratch their little fucking fingers on a chalkboard… or are just like annoyingly annoying. I can imagine it very easily because I’m currently stuck on a torture bus with a toddler named Tim.

Ok, so he’s 60. He acts like a fucking toddler. All bouncing around, irritating voice, full of energy — irritatingly irritating, like an irritating person. He’s just…. for lack of a better word… irritating. He’s bouncing around on this bus like at any minute he may fuck the couch.

And. My staff, consultants, Obama, the “contain and control group” around me… it’s unbelievably awful. I can’t even go on an interview without Tim, the piece of annoying, irritating shit. Like what do they expect him to do — hold my hand?

I’m going to be the leader of the fucking free world. And… I CANNOT SIT DOWN for an unscripted interview in the 38 (or 39, who’s counting) days since Sleepy Joe stepped aside??! And the FIRST interview I am ALLOWED to do in 39 days and first one after becoming the official Democratic nominee by securing enough delegates 28 days ago (but who’s counting!) has to be with —— Tim!?

Well, it’s not unscripted anyway, we gave them the questions. I have the answers. The hardest thing about it will be stopping myself from picking up any sharp object and stabbing Timmy with it.

Snakes – why did it have to be snakes…?? Makes sense if you take out “snakes” and replace with “Walz”….

And I hope there is wine somewhere in this torture chamber they call the “New Way Forward” bus of fucking joy…we’re gonna need lots of drinks.

Couple of issues.

One, my staffers told me we have some basically deranged lunatic planting signs everywhere (going viral as some call it) saying crazy things like “Illegal Aliens for Harris” and “Drug Traffickers for Harris” and “Shoplifters for Harris” and of course my least favorite is “Sheep for Harris”.

Everyone knows sheep can’t vote. Of course the others are for me; they should be for me. Especially shoplifters.

I was an amazing attorney general from 2011-2017 in California and helped produce a fucking awesome cocktail of activist prosecutors, pro-crime initiatives and efforts to undermine police – all of which emboldened a culture of theft. And now — it’s an $8 billion per year industry where organized “rip crews” strip an entire store, resell the goods, and return to steal again.

I, of course, in the name of equity and wrapped in some bullshit about getting more money for schools (I’m not even sure how people believed that one) inaugurated a heyday for shoplifters. With California Prop 47 pushed and passed in my tenure, police cannot arrest anyone for shoplifting under $950 worth of goods.

Shoplifters have to love me. It’s a boon for their business.

Of course, a growing number of retailers and businesses are leaving California cities due to the losses and also unsafe conditions for customers and employees… but who’s counting?

Once I’m in the Presidency, we can make more incredible changes like that — but like — across the country. Just because it made San Francisco look like a dumpster fire, I’m sure it would be fine everywhere else.

But … It’s the other issues I need to worry about.

1. Freedom of speech should not apply to that guy with the signs. Good thing I got Walz as my VP who doesn’t even believe in freedom of speech. Maybe he can help figure a solution to that and other pesky “hate speech” (the criticism of me)?

2. I have to take the torture bus with Walz again. I almost poked my eyes out when we were together on it in Pennsylvania. And this time – through Georgia!? I can’t imagine anything worse.

And

3. I promised a sit-down interview before the end of August. So. That’s gotta happen. Fuck. Need practice answers. Need practice answers. Say freedom a lot. Probably throw around “the Republicans worship a convicted felon” a few times or something like “MAGA extremism is the devil’s playground” or … as they all keep telling me — stick to the script we give you.

It’s harder than it looks.