Category: Uncategorized

Status meeting.

Apparently my staff is worried about Halloween. I’m bad at math, but it appears that Spirit Halloween has been predicting the winner of Presidential races correctly for about 30 years based on the sales of their masks.

The Trump mask was just slightly outselling my mask. Just slightly. So, we were not worried. At all.

But now — after the MagaDonald stunt — their stores have been overrun with people wanting the masks, McDonald’s aprons, and fry baskets.

And this has my staff at panic levels. Threat level Dark Orange. That’s the highest level.

I haven’t seen them this panicked since they saw how horrible Tim Walz was at the debate. They are seriously in a tizzy. Over a costume.

Could there be something to it? Could I have “peaked” too early? We have been on a slow but steady decline in enthusiasm and support since the DNC. We have been making mistakes everywhere.

The Catholics are mad because I missed the Al Green or Al Smith or whatever dinner. Also, because I want to kill babies. The Jews are mad because I seem to “hate” Israel and “love” Hamas. In order to play to the Muslims, I have to somewhat stay at least neutral on the conflicts over there. It’s impossible to keep everyone happy.

And the Muslims? They are now mad because I’ve chosen to play cozy with Liz Cheney — and they hate the warmongering Cheneys. And blondes.

We good? Not quite sure. Halloween costumes?

Maybe.

Birthdays suck — especially on the campaign trail… I spent mine in church.

Church.

On a positive note — by some miracle — a divine lightning bolt did not come from the sky and electrocute me.

My staff had bets on whether that would happen, or maybe they were just wishing it would happen —- maybe not full incineration, but like just a quick torture jolt — not sure — but, in any case, it didn’t happen. Thankfully.

Two weeks away. I’ll say, the media and our surrogates are really pulling out the stops to lie, cheat, and steal. It’s beautiful.

A few things bothering me:

— the available data shows that Republicans have eaten into the Democratic advantage from the same time in 2020 on early voting. Big time.

— I wonder if that MagaDonald’s stunt will gain Trump any momentum. A few of the really funny memes with him at the drive-up window may win meme of the century… I’m telling you. Scary, also brilliant. That son of a bitch.

— why does Tim Walz look so much like Mr. Magoo or like post-transition Mrs. Harrison.

Anywho. Back to pretending I gaf about anyone or anything but me….

We good.

Trump. The ultimate troll. He trolls everyone. But, right now I’m obviously his favorite target.

Yesterday he worked at McDonald’s for fifteen minutes so he could say he worked at McDonald’s fifteen minutes longer than me.

The owner of the McDonald’s franchise, Derek Giacomantonio, said in a statement that the event was held to allow the former President to “observe the transformative working experience that 1 in 8 Americans have had: a job at McDonald’s.”

One in 8, but not me. F no. But there is no way to check, so it’s been part of my “made up history” to make me seem relatable.

And my staff? They laughed. “It hit kinda close to home,” they said. “And reminded people that you lie, a lot.”

They went further to say it was brilliant, heartwarming, and actually his best troll yet.

“Wtf!” I yelled.

Don’t worry, they said. The media will spin it into something great for you. And our surrogates will make up some more lies about him. Just go out with your slick hair and pretend you’re a caring, smart, talented leader. Keep up the act; you’re going to win an Oscar!

15 days to go.

We good?

Status meeting. As if I don’t have enough to worry about.

We seem to be on a small but steady decline in voters in all categories and a pretty large and steady decline in motivation of likely blue voters.

Staff still say we can win this. But it’s getting down to the nitty gritty.

And the Senate? It actually looks like we will lose control.

There are 28 democrats seats NOT up for election and 36 Republican seats NOT up for election this cycle. So, we have 36 seats being contested.

Of those, 14 will go to the Democrats and 9 will go Republican. In landslides.

So — with those, we are at 42 Democrats and 45 Republicans. I’m bad at math, but I think I’m in the general neighborhood.

And the remaining 13 seats? Those races are pretty fucking close.

Right now my team predicts the Republicans take back the Senate.

And the House? It will be a nail biter to the end. If Republicans hold the house, it looks like it will be a smaller margin than they had.

But we are all guessing.

On the bright side, if I win, I will push to get rid of the senate and/or make Washington DC a state and then the Senate will be Democratic.

Oh that reminds me of a joke.

My Doug Emhoff has been touring the country talking about the Democrats positions on various subjects. He was asked by a reporter about his own position on a subject.

“Doug, what’s your position on extra marital affairs?”

To which he replied, “Missionary.”

Ha ha ha.

That had nothing to do with the Senate. How about…

Q: Why do thieves never target politicians’ homes?
A: Professional courtesy.

Anywho. Back to pretending I care about America!

We good.

After months of being told what to do, being scolded for idiotic things I have said or done — well, I got my turn.

Yeah, one of my favorite pastimes — yelling at and/or belittling the staff.

And it was a glorious 30 minute of yelling at the staff that told me to miss the Al Smith dinner. Because that “calculated risk” —- well, it was the wrong choice. Missing it was the wrong choice. Putting together the dumb video — also the wrong choice.

The risk — pissing off the Muslims and the LGBTQ community by supporting a Catholic event — well, instead…. I get most of the country laughing at me, thinking I can’t speak on my feet without a teleprompter, thinking I can’t make correct choices — AND I really angered the Catholics, and apparently (according to internal polling) motivated them to vote. And not for me.

I have earned a nasty reputation as an alleged “soul-destroying” workplace “bully”. I have something like a 95% turnover rate in my staffers. I can’t put together cogent statements that outline what we need to do together as a team and build cohesiveness — but I can treat people as if they have no value, swear at them, and make them wish they never met me.

If I lose this election, they will look back at that one night, at that one video and that one missed dinner. And say it was to blame for the loss. That, and maybe my annoying voice, generally.

It’s a widely held belief that Hillary lost by ignoring the rust belt, and calling half the country “deplorables” — and my missing this dinner looks like it’s the “straw that broke the camel’s back” for Catholics, a large voting block.

They seem to have had enough of the Democrats demeaning their religion. We have championed drag queens dressing up as nuns, arrested church goers during Covid, and Gretchen Whitmer recently made fun of holy communion by feeding a scantily dressed woman a Dorito chip… our side is basically anti-Catholic bigotry on steroids.

“You’re not going to go to hell for voting Democrat” was their line at the DNC — even as we touted abortion as our number one priority.

But this has changed drastically. They have had enough. And their new line is — “to hell with the Democrats. Vote Red, vote for freedom of religion, vote as if your life depended on it, vote the anti-Catholic party out — across the board. Gather your family, grab your neighbors, and walk over broken glass if you need to… but vote for anyone Red on any ticket. Hold your nose if you have to, but vote Trump in. Today.”

Hey — they stole that “hold your nose thing” from us. That’s not fair.

And that’s a problem. 25 percent of the voters — now have a motivation to vote against me. But I did have a fun 30 minutes yelling at my staff. So it’s not all bad.

We good-ish.

Well. Thanks, team.

They wouldn’t let me do the Al Smith dinner. Catholics represent 25 percent of the vote in the US. And I don’t go to one of the most revered events that raises money for Catholic charities.

It’s a tradition going back a billion years — the Presidential candidates go to the dinner. They do light-hearted jabs at each other then they smile and pretend they don’t want to stab each other with their steak knives — it’s generally a nice “unity” moment in the middle of the campaign.

And my team — they say, “no Harris — you can’t handle it. A speech without a teleprompter? You just can’t. You may offend 25 percent of the voters by NOT going, but you could turn off 100 percent of the voters if you go and try and give a speech in that room without a teleprompter. You’re not funny, you’re not good without a teleprompter — other people are. And you will laugh. Because everyone else is funny. And no one likes your laugh.”

So we declined the invitation, said I had “scheduling conflicts” and sent in an embarrassing taped segment that took like 1000 takes and still made no sense. I looked good though. Slick hair, nice makeup.

It was a calculated risk. I miss the dinner and upset 25 percent of the voters that don’t like me much anyway, or I piss off the Muslims which I need in Michigan and perhaps risk turning off ALL the voters if I bomb. Which my team says I would have. Definitely, without a doubt. Again, thanks team.

But the mistake in all of it I didn’t see coming? Trump was great, won a few points with the voters … and I wasn’t there. The preliminary focus group hated my absence and said the video I sent was awkward and “cringy” and dumb.

I’m sure there is some media spin that will help. But at this point — it feels like an embarrassing miscalculation made worse by a lame attempt at a funny video that wasn’t funny and was booed loudly on live TV.

I’m bad at math but when your opponent wins points and you lose point on the same day, I don’t think that’s good.

Thanks, team. Not good.

Well. This is bullsh*t. I got a text from a “friend” who said they watched my rally the other night. The text:

“Hey Kam. I’m not sure how to say this but I’m just going to be honest because we want you to win. First, the positive — 1) you’ve done a moderately decent job at toning down the cackling. You could do better, but it’s definitely slightly improved. Just keep remembering, no one likes your laugh.

But equally important, and I need to stress this — 2) you gotta STOP YELLING. If there is one thing worse than your laugh, well, it might be this new “angry old man/pissy, bitter school-teacher/nasty drill sergeant” voice ya got going on…

Kam — No one wants to vote for a shrilly hyena that barks constantly. It’s a bad combination. And not at all presidential.

What voters really want is someone competent. But we have you. So at least … please, for the love of God — work on your tone, STOP YELLING, and minimize that laugh… I beg of you.

Hope to see you soon! XO – C”

That was it. I responded, “Thank you, darling. Busy days ahead, appreciate your support.”

But inside, I’m like muahahahah…

If she doesn’t like my laugh now, she’s really going to hate my laugh when I weaponize the IRS and audit her ass.

Bwuahahah. We good.

I’m now going to go yell at someone and then laugh in their face.

We good.

Status meeting. I was hoping for an awesome “October Surprise” — something that would secure my victory and put me on the throne.

And what was my October surprise courtesy of my great team? This brilliant collection of comrades steering my campaign decisions!?

They said we need to change the message to:

“Hold your nose and vote for Kamala.”

That’s it!? I thought they were pulling a prank.

But they explained… our campaign had so much wonderful momentum. It peaked twice — once when Joe pulled out and they gave the spot to me. And once at and around the DNC.

Our campaign peaked before anyone had heard from me… and then again after a brilliant, very well-rehearsed speech with a ton of hype and some of the best warm-up speakers the Dems have to offer. And they don’t think there is a third peak on the horizon.

Quite the opposite actually — apparently — the more that voters see and hear from me, the less they like me. And at the slow decline in the poll numbers we have going week over week, we aren’t going to make it to the finish line.

And there isn’t an option to put me in the basement — after we hid Biden away, voters just won’t take it.

And we know our platform is widely unpopular. So we can’t try and sell that. Oh sure, I can try and word salad stuff and wrap it up in a pretty bow and hope no one checks. But, a majority of American people actually want what Trump is selling — mass deportations, (especially criminals), closed borders with legal immigration as the only form of entry, school choice, no more biological men in women’s sports, decreased energy costs, being stronger on the international stage, no more wars, strength against China and other adversaries… no tax on tips, lower taxes, more safety, lower regulation, smaller government (Musk watching efficiency), healthier population (RFK Jr. watching over this), and bright women and men like Tulsi Gabbard and Vivek what’shisname helping America be great.

Ugh.

So, we can’t sell our message of increased government, higher taxes, high inflation… I mean, screaming “but we will give you abortions” has started to become very old news. According to my staff.

So, we are forced to shift messaging to:

“You may not like her, but hold your nose and vote for her anyway.”

So. We pivot. And tell people —- just do it. Hold your nose and vote for Kamala.

I think they are making up signs for our rallies now.

Great.

I guess we good.

Tyrus. George Murdoch. But he goes by Tyrus.

He’s a pretty famous wrestler once known as Brodus Clay or The Funkasaurus. But, now, just Tyrus.

He’s also a New York Times Best seller and political commentator.

He’s huge. Like a really, really big guy. A little too manly for my taste. Well, most men are more manly than my Dougie. But, who’s counting.

Anywho. George Murdoch — Tyrus — has gone by a lot of names. But, today I’m calling him — “the reason why I’m losing voters.”

Last night, on Gutfeld! (apparently a late night phenomenon) Tyrus took the time to applaud Bret Baier for doing such a great job asking me the questions no one else would and pointing out the gigantic flaws in some of my regular talking points.

For example, one of my favorite talking points —

“On our very first seconds in office in 2021, before we did anything else, we tackled immigration and wrote a ‘comprehensive reform bill’ that we sent to Congress to do that. But those horrible guys in Congress screwed it up. And Trump, too. It’s probably his fault.”

Well. The truth is the bill we authored didn’t really do anything to stop illegal immigration — it was basically a pathway to citizenship for the 10 million illegals here. And in the first seconds of our administration, we canceled all the policies that Trump had put in place that had illegal border crossings down to a historic low. Then, we openly encouraged people from all over the world to come and we opened the border, for anyone from any background (yes, including murderers, human traffickers, rapists, child abusers) — and the plan was to get them citizenship also.

And Bret, one of the few people who have actually read that bill — pointed out that my favorite talking point was nothing more than a misleading lie. And our actions have resulted in a disaster for the country.

Tyrus. He noticed.

We have the rest of the media saying I was great. Even my own staff said I put together enough word salads and nonsense to confuse everyone, and no one watched it, and we got a few sound bites, and here is some more wine Kamala, leave the adults to do the planning.

But Tyrus. He listened. And, he said it. And now it’s out there. And people can see for themselves. It might not be him, or what he said really — maybe he’s more like a giant metaphor for all the people starting to use their own brains and their own heads. And … realizing that the media and my surrogates are really great at only a couple of things — and one is twisting the truth, and the other is demonizing Trump. I’m not sure the other things they are good at. If anything.

Oh, did I forget to mention Charlamagne tha God? I had some good word salads with him, too. Funny thing is I had no idea who Tyrus was until I went on Charlamagne’s show. Apparently, Charlamagne went on Gutfeld! a few months back. And Tyrus outmaneuvered Charlamagne verbally, shut him down a few times, and basically was the bane of his existence on the show that night —- making Charlamagne look pretty silly, in fact. Charlamagne brought it up to me, like it still bugged him. A lot.

And now, coincidentally, Tyrus could be the bane of my existence, too? That’s some weird shit.

Nah, we gotta be good. Too many of our controlled media crew are touting my “excellence” — we good?

Maybe.

It’s not really me, it’s them.

Ok, sure I can tell a doozy, stretch the truth, make up things, twist the “facts” — I can and do lie. Frankly, a lot.

But really, it’s my surrogates, the supporters on social media platforms, it’s The Lincoln Project — that is a “conservative group” — “Kamala Wins” and Kamala HQ twitter feeds, and the entire main stream media — CNN, CBS, MSNBC, ABC — most of the alphabet — even FOX at times. It’s a large machine of fake news.

Biden. Now he can and does lie. A shit ton. Take his favorite one “the very fine people” lie. He loves to repeat that Trump is a racist because he said something to the effect of “there are very fine people on both sides” — in the protests on whether or not to keep a statue in Charlottesville. What Sleepy Joe repeatedly claims is Trump thinks neo-nazis are “very fine people.” Which is not true. It’s a clever manipulation of different words — and has been often repeated by media and our online surrogates. But it’s a lie.

Trump meant — that there were very fine people on both sides of whether to keep the statue of Robert E. Lee or not — obvious to anyone who has spent more than a minute looking at the controversy. Some that wanted to keep it were arguing that we should not rid ourselves of the ugly past but keep it as a reminder. Some had other reasons to keep it — historical, artistic, slippery slope, etc. — but not everyone who wanted to keep it were white nationalist/neo-nazis.

The debate and protests about the statue turned ugly and white supremacists marched on Charlottesville and a woman lost her life when one of the bigoted hate-filled men intentionally drove his car into the protests and hit her and others. Horrible.

But what did Trump actually say? He said the day of those protests, “We condemn in the strongest possible terms this egregious display of hatred, bigotry and violence, on many sides. On many sides.” 

He went further to say that he had spoken to Virginia Gov. Terry McAuliffe, and “we agreed that the hate and the division must stop, and must stop right now. We have to come together as Americans with love for our nation and true affection — really — and I say this so strongly — true affection for each other.”

When asked about The “very fine people” comment itself, Trump explained, “I’m not talking about the neo-Nazis and the white nationalists — because they should be condemned totally. But you had many people in that group other than neo-Nazis and white nationalists.”

He further, in the days that followed, condemned neo-nazis, white nationalists, and any form of bigotry many, many, times. But does it matter?

Does it matter that he isn’t racist, or homophobic, or Islamophobia, or any of the things we like to call him? It’s so easy to call him Hitler and walk away. It’s much harder to explain to people that we will do better for America than he will. Because they know. They saw the peace and prosperity under Trump.

And a lie, when repeated enough, becomes the truth.

Trump — He hires people from all backgrounds. All races, all sexes, all genders — anyone he thinks can do the job. He had the first openly gay cabinet member — Richard Grenell — Acting Director of National Intelligence (DNI).

He’s a tough boss with high expectations. And, he’s not a government, warmongering Washington insider. So, he’s often disliked by the people who are. But the lie that he is racist? Or bigoted or anti-Semitic. It’s so easy and so brilliant.

He frequently continually condemns racism, bigotry, hate and antisemitism like:

TRUMP: “The riots in Charlottesville a year ago resulted in senseless death and division… I condemn all types of racism and acts of violence.” (August 11, 2018)

TRUMP: “We forcefully condemn the evil of anti-Semitism and hate. It must be defeated.” (April 27, 2019)

But, his words are rarely repeated. And we have a big group, a large Big-Tech, mainstream media, Soros funded conglomerate that says the opposite.

And voters so busy with their video games and their second jobs (to be able to afford milk and gas under my economy) … the people just don’t take the time (or have the time) to check for themselves.

It’s brilliant. No one wants a racist as President. So we made him one. Even though he’s not. Who’s counting? In the choice between incompetence and evil, people will choose incompetence— even when the evil is as real as the boogie man under my bed.

We good.