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There seems to be a few “last minute” or “October surprises” in each election.

Surprise is supposed to be a positive word. “Surprise” is usually followed by a fun party, a bouquet of flowers, a gift, or good news.

Not, “Surprise”we have emails linking you to Ukraine and pictures of Hunter smoking a crack pipe.

Me, I love my son. That’s what you do. Even if you have to call a lid at 10am during a campaign to avoid questions from the media. Hey, that’s a day off for me, I’ll take it. I need it.

You love your son. Even if allegations surrounding him cost me the Presidency. You love your son. That’s just what normal parents do.

I can avoid press questions. I have been doing it for six months, I’ve gotten good at it. Where’s Hunter?

Kamala Harris cancels all campaigning after close contact with positive Coronavirus people. I have a town hall tonight. Just keep the surprises coming. We will make it through.

Come on, man.

I keep having fitful dreams. Some I can remember and others – I just remember bits and pieces or nothing at all.

Someone on my team said to lay perfectly still when I wake up and retell my dream to myself in my head before I move. And leave a piece of paper by the bed and as soon as possible, jot down the dream basics. So I tried it. And it works pretty well, actually.

So here was the dream I had last night:

I was at a campaign with many Native Americans. Some dressed in suits, and some in headdresses. I remember standing there, everyone watching me with smiles and politely clapping when my speech ended.

And Kamala was there.

A chief, I assume, came up afterwards. He introduced himself as Black Wolf or Black Hawk. A grand man. He said as his gift he would give us new Native American names.

To Kamala, he said, “We will call you Walking Eagle. An Eagle, majestic and strong – and grounded, as you are.”

Then he turned to me and said, “Mr. Vice President, we will call you Post Turtle. Slow and steady, high above the fray, on a lofty perch as you have been for 47 years in government and as you are now. Post Turtle.” He nodded his head slightly and smiled warmly at me.

Everyone cheered. And I remember feeling elated. Proud.

Then we were whisked away, everything was hectic – and there was a woman with us – maybe a wise woman or medicine woman. I had the feeling she was going to give us some other gift or important message to help us on our way.

But, instead, she gave us the true explanation of our names.

First, she explained to Kamala, “Walking Eagle is just a bird so full of shit it isn’t able to fly.”

And then turned to me with a menacing grin and says, “Joe. Dear Joe. A Post Turtle? Have you ever driven down the road and seen a turtle balanced on top of a high fence post?”

“No,” I replied.

She continued, “Well, let me tell you what goes through your head when you see a turtle balancing on a post and then maybe you will understand how you got your name. When you see a turtle perched on a post, you know he didn’t get up there by himself and you know he doesn’t belong up there and you know he doesn’t know what to do with himself up there. You know he’s been put in a place where he cannot function and you really just wonder what dumbass put him up there in the first place. ” And with that, she turned sharply and walked away.

And then I woke up. Weird dream, but I can’t figure out what it means.

Come on, man.

I have a little nagging voice in my head saying something. And butterflies in my stomach. Anxiety about the election, maybe.

I haven’t written in a few days but I’m literally exhausted.

And I can’t get one thing out of my head. Comma La is a liability.

She did fine in the debate. Fine. But, while the critics are stuck talking about her smirking face and the fact that she is really just unlikeable… I remain thankful they aren’t looking or talking about things she said.

Not the inaccuracies. Not the lies. What concerns me is what she specifically said about being proud of her record for police and criminal justice reform in CA as a prosecutor and Attorney General and looking forward to spreading that around America.

Ok, so maybe there is something positive in her record. But…. really…. there are some pretty bad things. Glaring issues.

Kamala’s record on criminal justice reform is truly abysmal. She fought repeatedly to keep non-violent and even innocent prisoners in prison.

She laughed off the question when asked if she would support the legalization of marijuana, only reversing her stance very recently. After focus groups told her to. She never once tried to get people languishing in prison on non-violent drug offenses out of prison. Even marijuana. Even after it was legalized. Even though both houses of the California legislature have been controlled by the Democrats for about 50 years. Should have been easy to make some positive reforms…

At many points she and her office actually fought against releasing prisoners — even after the US Supreme Court found that overcrowding in California prisons was so bad that it amounted to unconstitutional cruel and unusual punishment. Her office even argued that the state couldn’t release some prisoners because it would deplete its pool for prison labor.

The truth is she was part of the problem and did little, if anything, at all. Prisons in CA remain emblematic of chronic racial inequities in the justice system. African Americans make up less than 6% of California’s population but 29% of its inmates, according to the state Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation.

Yet, Kamala is the VP. Or will be. Or will be President. After I am President for a few days at least. If I’m President. At least very few people are paying attention at this point to the important issues. Trump is bad!

Come on, man.

I think my team likes to use analogies or metaphors to throw me off when they don’t want to answer a question. Not that I know the difference between an analogy and a metaphor, but that’s ok.

Today, I got one of those when I questioned the team what my policies really are. Like why one day do I say one thing, and the next day I say the opposite — it’s confusing to me. I am the Democratic Party, for heaven’s sake! And it’s like I’m trying to be everything to everyone and not really answering tough questions and then also answering questions with opposite answers. And so, what do I stand for?

For example:

I’m with Bernie. Bernie will help guide policies. But do I look like a socialist? Socialism is bad…Or….

I’m against fracking, but I’m not against fracking, but I’m against new fracking. But I may stop all fracking or may not. Or…

I support defunding the police, but I won’t defund the police …. but I may want to reimagine the police by taking funds from them. But I’m pro-police and they may need more money. But I’m pro anti-police sentiments. Or…

I’ll pack the court. I won’t pack the court. I won’t answer if I will or won’t pack the court. And on and on. There’s a list.

It just kind of makes me scratch my head. In some ways I guess I’ve been wavering back and forth my entire political career. I was for the Hyde Amendment, then against the Hyde Amendment… there’s a list.

But, where was I? I was trying to write down an analogy (or metaphor or riddle) that some young babe gave me today. Ahh..Yes, that was my original point. My team likes to say really smart things.

So here we go. Supposedly, basically Abraham Lincoln did something like this:

Abraham Lincoln says to a large group, “How many legs would a calf have if you call his tail a leg?”

And the group yells, “FIVE!”

And, Lincoln says, “Wrong. The calf still only has four legs, no matter what you call the tail.”

I’m not sure what her point was. Is this another “up is down, left is right, Democrats used to be Republicans, let’s confuse everyone including Joe” kind of thing?

Are we the calf, or the tail, or are we trying to use propaganda, the media and mob mentality to make people believe or think something that just isn’t so. And what is that? Is it that I’m someone who could actually lead this country? I’m confusing myself now. Actually, this whole day has been confusing. And, Trump coming out of the hospital for a deranged Coronavirus speech on his balcony a few days ago still has me rattled. I need a nap.

Come on, man.

Have I mentioned how much I hate Florida? Little Haiti Cuba Havana – whatever. These guys love Trump. My people gave me a poll today that says 63% of Cubans Americans are voting for Trump, 23% are voting for me, and the other 15 percent said they would rather poke their eyes out than vote for either of us and will be praying for the country. Or maybe vote for Mickey Mouse or something like that.

Is Kanye still running? I think there is a Green candidate. And a female one, surprisingly. Jo Jorgensen, a libertarian. She describes the choice between Trump and me as still a choice between more government and big government. I kind of like her name. Sounds Presidential or at least Vice Presidential.

I’m presenting my Build Back Better plan for the Hispanics today. It sounds good, but after I open the borders, it’s more like a Hasta La Vista your jobs plan.

I think I heard someone say that the Coronavirus positive rates are climbing again. But the deaths are on a sharp decline. The rate of deaths, maybe due to early intervention and therapeutics, is getting close to what we estimate on the flu. But who cares? I still like lock downs. Makes traffic lighter. Who needs school or semi-normal lives? Not me, I wish I was back in my basement.

Not feeling the love today. The home state of the Trumpster just doesn’t give me the same love Delaware does. And, then the realization that even the Coronavirus picked Trump over me. Not feeling great.

My team presented some study to me that most people touch their faces 15 times an hour. But that I usually touch my face 15 times in an 8 minute speech. And it’s incredibly disconcerting when people watch others touch their face… like one of the worst things you can do as a leader during the pandemic is give a speech about staying safe while I rub my nose repeatedly and cough into my hand. Complete turn off for voters. “Ewwwwww,” is what the general consensus was. So I think their point was – stop touching my face. Got it.

Come on, man.

Some nitwit on my team had the brilliant idea to take down our negative ads about Trump. Then, release a statement about that. The goal was to make us look like the good guys. Calm…. the Presidential team worth voting for.

But it has left us scrambling and effectively with NO ads. Pulling our negative ads basically amounted to pulling EVERY ad. Our platform – “bad orange man must not be re-elected” – that is the basis of our advertising.

Our real platform isn’t that great. And some of it may actually turn off LARGE groups of voters. So we need to be vague on that. After they elect me, I’ll let the public know my plans. After the team tells me, that is.

My team assures me we can cut a few pieces together of me standing next to Obama and by a sign that says Build Back Better. Thumbs up, smiling. And pictures of me and Jill, too. People actually like her. She’s an easy sell.

The plan is for a more artistic, vague commercial that gives a feeling of security and safety.

I guess that will work. We are so far ahead in the polls, does it matter? The polls are the pulse of the electorate and are rarely wrong.

Come on, man.

I was heckled yesterday by a guy who kept saying stuff like “get on the Trump Train” and other Trump stuff. I’ve heard that Trump Train malarkey before – these guys are so dumb. As far as I know he has no train, never been on a train, and may not even know the difference between a plane and an elephant.

And he tested positive for COVID-19. Which sucks. Because I have to be kind of nice now, somewhat. What kind of asshole attacks a guy on his death bed? A lot of Democrats are excited… Pelosi probably had her first orgasm! And many are already giddily planning his funeral and my ascension to the White House throne.

But I should try and be statesmanlike. And perhaps quit lying so much. It is coming out in the news that I’m lying about things I’ve been saying about Trump. I was pretty sure we had directed them to stop fact-checking, but there must still be a few rogue reporters. I got 11 Pinocchios from so called “Washington Post Fact-Checkers” from things I have said about and during coronavirus crisis – false and misleading claims concerning the Trump administration’s handling of the pandemic. So I may need to tamper that a bit. Hard to continue to spread blatantly false statements about Coronavirus while he has it – could make people more sympathetic to him. Very low blows while he’s down; even more so if you fact check the blows.

I also am getting negative press for continually saying Trump hasn’t or won’t condemn hate, violence, white supremacy, etc. because that is simply not true. Some news outlets were listing out the numerous times and actual verbal and written statements where Trump has denounced hate groups, white supremacy, the KKK, David Duke, antisemitism, etc. over the past few years. The best one was:

“…we condemn in the strongest possible terms this egregious display of hatred, bigotry, and violence. It has no place in America.

And as I have said many times before: No matter the color of our skin… We must love each other, show affection for each other, and unite together in condemnation of hatred, bigotry, and violence…

Racism is evil. And those who cause violence in its name are criminals and thugs, including the KKK, neo-Nazis, white supremacists, and other hate groups that are repugnant to everything we hold dear as Americans.

We are a nation founded on the truth that all of us are created equal…Those who spread violence in the name of bigotry strike at the very core of America.”

I wrote it down in case I want to plagiarize it later.

But the press keeps asking him to condemn as they print the long lists of time he has. Even the liberal NY Times and LA Times printed some of very strong condemnations. Meanwhile, I have been endorsed by Richard Spencer and have not been asked ONCE to denounce him and his vile neo-Nazi beliefs.

I did get news today that The NY Times called on Trump to concede today. They had an article that said we shouldn’t even have the election. Why let people vote? Just have The NY Times pick the next President. To me, that sounds very right. Who thinks it’s ok to have the American citizens pick the President? That’s so antiquated!

Come on, man.

We are making campaign stops on the Biden Harris Express. I love riding by train. Who doesn’t? I even like to watch trains. I could watch train videos all day. And let my mind go blank. Blanker, maybe, ha ha.

One of my staffers, from California keeps referring to the Amtrak we are on as “The Sleep Train”. So I asked her why.

She says there is or was, not sure, a super cool arena in Sacramento called Sleep Train Arena. She explained that the Sac Kings played there. She blabbered about some kid named Tyus Edney who apparently is/was some kind of cult hero for the Kings and had some kind of super famous NCAA Basketball moment at UCLA something … blah blah… bottom line – it’s an Arena in Sacramento. Fun fact, also, it was turned into a temporary COVID-19 response hospital by the Army Corps of Engineers as part of the Trump response and preparation for COVID-19 patients. Supporting CA. Don’t let that get out. I keep saying he did nothing.

She assured me it has nothing to do with my nickname, Sleepy Joe. She also assured me she believes the campaign stops we are making are super exciting and the audience always looks very awake and not at all sleepy themselves after listening to my platitudes.

And then I thanked her and asked her how she felt overall. She said something like “Joe, you’re the Democratic Party as you said” and described her feeling “ennui” – definitely that was the word she used. I think that means she thinks I’m very cool. Hip, maybe?

She’s ennui. I am the Democratic Party. Choo choo!

Come on, man.

My team isn’t full of people who love me and tell me everything I do is great. They tell me what to do and what to say. Then, they generally pick me apart after each event. They are full of “constructive criticism” which sometimes comes off to me as just criticism, and kinda mean, too.

But they loved me at the debate. Everything I said was great. Big kudos, folks. Couldn’t have been more proud.

Ok, sure, the bar was pretty low. But they really loved the spectacle. Me, calling Trump a “clown” and telling him to stop his yapping. Didn’t come off at all like crazy Uncle Joe.

Also they love how I answered this question:

“Vice President Biden, would you pack the court?”

I took the 5th.

“I refuse to answer on the grounds that it may incriminate me.”

Exactly as I was told to do.

Why does the American public need to know my plans? They just don’t need to know. It’s not as if they are voting for me because they believe I have great plans. Or that I can accomplish anything positive for the USA. I have not in 180 years of my political career. But, the Big Orange Bad Godzilla man in the White House is bad. That’s why they are voting for me. The public is too dumb to understand. And they certainly don’t need to know.

And the results: CNN, CBS, MSNBC, LA Times, NY Times all declare me the winner. CNN and CBS declared me the winner before I showed up, actually. I don’t think they bothered to even re-poll watchers after. Why would they?

The LA Times Is encouraging the cancellation of the next two debates. Wouldn’t that be great!?

Telemundo and the Hispanics broke 66% for Trump. But, they just don’t understand, obviously. Law and Order is what they want. My team said I was confident about Law and Order. Or maybe that was Trump. I can’t remember, but who cares?

Trump was like a petulant child. He trampled on decorum. It was like a dumpster fire. A hot mess. Only 2020 could give us this shit show. Trump had a few verbal errors and they were called “lies” by the media. I lied, and my lies were fact checked to be “misleading” or “partially false“. I have the media. It’s just all great, great, great, great, great.

There was one lone voice on my team that had something that may have seemed negative. She said, “You didn’t win, sir. Trump didn’t, either, although he put up a strong and confident fight that sounded very pro-American. The statement he made that he’s done more for America in 47 months than you have done in 47 years could resonate with voters. Wallace? He was horrible. But, I know one thing. It does feel a little like America lost.”

Wallace was horrible? What a bunch of malarkey! He was unabashedly on my side. It was like 2 on 1 as Wallace started debating Trump directly… What’s wrong with that?

Come on, man.

Little confusion today here in the basement…. I was zoning out on a few meetings/zoom calls between debate prep and I caught something about getting ahold of “his taxes” and “he took $3.5 million from Russians” and “a shit ton from China” and … “seven figures from Ukraine” and something like … “stunning levels of corruption and breathtaking breaches of America’s national security” —- hearing all this, my ears perked up, I was understandably on the edge of my seat…And, I couldn’t control my excitement, either.

I said, “Are you saying we got him?! Red-handed!? I knew it. What a crook. An utter sham. Finally, we got his taxes? Wow, Trump is just the worst…with all of this reaching the news, we are sure to win now!”

However, the response I got from the team what slightly unexpected. They turned to Jill and asked her to explain.

“Joe, dear, I’m sorry. You must be confused. We were not discussing Trump. We were talking about Hunter.”

I think I responded something like, aaaa I knew exactly what you were talking about, aaaa just a joke, folks… of course – Hunter, dear Hunter…. where is Hunter?… or something like that. They smiled and looked at me like they totally believed every word.

Come on, man.