Author: whitehousebound16@gmail.com

It’s my favorite type of event. Tons of people. I can push a few attendees if they ask tough questions about guns or pipelines or Climate change or Hunter or whatever. I can challenge them to push-up contests. I can tell cool stories about the hair on my legs. I’m close to people, can sniff them. I have a special power – super sniffer. Never told anyone. Kinda like Mesmer can read people by touching them. I can read people by sniffing their hair. At least that’s a good cover story … maybe.

Today is a VIRTUAL Town Hall. Which I’m told is watched mainly by bots. I think that’s short for a type of voter. Boys over thirty maybe. They say the bots make it look like a lot people care what I’m saying on these Town Halls. So that’s good.

Still don’t understand why I can’t talk to the press. Feels like preventive defense. Football. Preventive defense is what “prevents” you from winning, I always say. The strategists keep saying “play to my strengths” which leads me to believe they think my strengths do not include answering questions from the media. Wow.

Come on, man.

Guilty pleasure.

Watching Greg Gutfeld show on a Saturday night.

I’m not sure how they get Adam Schiff to appear on there so much, but he has some doozy appearances on the show.

Beats watching Jill puzzle or listening to the campaign staff blather on about how well I’m doing by NOT being in public eye, or pretending to read.

Gutfeld made fun of me coughing into my hands, touching my face a lot, and rubbing my nose on my virtual town hall. Then, the great Tom Shillue did a cool impression of me. Never gets old.

The pirate-looking guest confused me. Some guy with an eye mask. Dan Crenshaw. Eye Mask? I know you’re supposed to wear a mask in public. But, it’s supposed to be over your nose and mouth.

Come on, man.

I love Jill. But after all this time in the house — Corona Virus all the time —- as much as I love her, as much as anyone loves anyone else – sometimes enough is enough. A month in the house…. seems like an eternity… as much as I love her – it’s becoming hard to be cooped up, and she’s become annoying.

She finishes my words, helps me remember what I’m doing, wipes my chin when I eat. She’s helping me get up and down from my chair, reminding me to put on pants, helping me put on my socks. She’s helpful, and I should be thankful – but she’s always around. Talking …. chewing …. breathing… I can’t take it. She keeps reminding me we need to stay quarantined because I’m at high risk from the bat China flu virus thingy. Bats are so cool. I wonder if they taste like chicken?

My point is… some people you can take for months with no problem. Jill is one of those people – but quarantine is really pushing the envelope on this.

And then there is Liz. Pocahontas. She is what I call a “small dose only” person. A person would probably be tempted to shoot themselves if they were quarantined with Liz. Within a few days. That reminds me. I don’t think I’ve seen her husband or heard from him lately. Hmmm.

My team is telling me to take Liz as my VP pick. God help me. And God help the electorate who will be forced to listen to that whiny voice for the next few months. She may be smart, she may have a lot of plans, but she’s extremely annoying. Like fingernails on a chalkboard. I love the smell of chalk. It gets on your hands and then sometimes on your pants but it’s something that I’ve always wondered how they make. Liz might know. Maybe I’ll ask her. Wait – I don’t want to talk to her at all. It scares me that she’s the top of the list for VP. There’s no one else!?

The other thing I’m getting sick of? Jill keeps reminding everyone to stay 6 feet away from me. Like – what’s the problem? – Does she think I’m going to grope everyone!!??

Come on, man.

I’m still running for President. At least I think so. Some stuff is a little fuzzy. Also, the guy that is supposed to tell me what day it is hasn’t been around lately. Jill is getting tired of me asking the same question over and over again. “It’s Wednesday for God’s sake“, she said last time with an irritation in her voice and an eye roll. This is how she treats the President to be.

I guess we are setting up a task force to find a VP. I’ll announce the task force in May. Big announcement. May 1. May Day. April showers bring May flowers. Isn’t May Day some communist day?

I’m announcing a team of people who can tell me who I should pick. I have to find someone that has different strengths than me. Right now, we are trying to list my strengths. The pro and con list of Joe Biden. One side is looking a little bleak. Although they didn’t let me read the lists, I got a peek at the really long list and saw two items on list:

1. Hunter
2. Graduated as number 76 ranked student out of 85 in law school

Lots of positives, I guess. May be hard. I gotta get out of this basement.

Come on, man.

Michelle. I would beg her to run with me. Not that begging helped me get Barack’s endorsement. He waited until he had no other choice. I doubt begging would help with her either. Michelle is a nice name. Michelle, my bell. My Michelle. Or is it Belle? Michelle, my belle? Biden Belle. Nice ring to it.
How could Michelle turn down first female VP or first female President once I step aside? She could be 12 more years in the White House.
It sucks being hunkered up in the basement while Trump spends hours a day on TV. I wrote a post-it with Corona Virus on it so I could remember why Major and I are stuck in the basement. Major would be a super cool White House dog. Trump doesn’t even have a dog.
Who am I kidding.? The Vice President job sucks. I would know. If I can’t beg her to run with me, maybe she will eventually find time to endorse me? Maybe she’s busy with traveling and book signings and stuff. Busy times. I’m stuck in the basement, but she’s probably still really busy so can’t find time to come out and endorse me. That makes sense.
Jill says I screwed the pooch, (which I definitely did not, I’m not even attracted to Major) by promising to take a woman VP. The drop from Michelle to the next woman running mate is massive. Like Whitmer. Imagine her nickname – witless. Trump calls her half Whitmer and the natives are restless in Michigan after she made some pretty weird demands. Really unpopular now. Then we have Pocahontas – she couldn’t even win her own state. Or Abrams – ditto. Pot-smoking Kamala? She has a weird laugh. Her teeth look like candy.
Where’s major?
Have to go do some more begging…. I have to beg my campaign staff to see if they’ll let me do some interviews or another Town Hall. It’s killing me just sitting here. How long have I been in the basement?! Too fucking long. They just say “America knows Joe” and “laying low could help me win” – not sure what that means? Too much of a good thing? Or, the less America sees me, the better they like me? Seems backward. But, they must know best.

But, I need to get out of the basement.

Come on, man.

Barack endorsed me. It made sense for him to wait until I received the nomination. I made the most sense given no other choices.

Jill said he sounded a little forced. Space Force sounded cool when Trump came up with that. Everything Trump says is wrong so I hate Space Force. To me, Barack sounded like the first African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy, I mean, that’s a storybook, man.

The kid who was hired to tell me what day of the week it is just sat down with me to discuss what he called, a “disjointed” interview Friday. Talk about funny words. Disjointed. Kinky. Anyway, what was wrong with this:

“You know, there’s a, uh — during World War II, you know, Roosevelt came up with a thing that uh, you know was totally different than a, than the, you know he called it you know the, World War II, he had the war… the war production board.”

??

Perfectly clear and precise to me.

Come on, man.

This is my first email, entry to diary, whatever – to myself – that I will try.

Let’s review. Hillary calls and says “I used to write in a digital diary on campaign trail” to help with stress. Contrary to general belief, she doesn’t smell like sulfur or cabbage, it’s more of a mixture of anger, apples and Vodka. Does anger really have a smell? Gotta ask about that one. I probably have a staffer that can help me with that.

Stress is a funny word, Hillary not funny. But she calls, gives me password for a digital diary, or some thing she says I have to try.
I write down the password on a blue post-it so I wouldn’t forget. It was “password” but with a capital P. Got it. Blue post-its are better than yellow. Yellow is for cowards. Yellow bellied.
I usually write stuff down with a pencil – just write stuff down. So I don’t forget them. This probably better than writing them by hand. Especially because I can barely read my own handwriting.

I’m not sure what else to write. I had good news that my Twitter followers finally got to 6 percent of Trump’s followers and 4 percent of Barack Obama’s. So, seems like there is some excitement for my candidacy and what I have to say! I heard one staffer say that about 20,000 have watched my town hall this week on YouTube and that is almost as much as the video showing Diamond and Silk talking about how they will refuse to get the Coronavirus Vaccine. So, pretty good start, I guess. Seems like this on the line campaigning is going to be easy. If I can eventually talk the camera broad into letting me sniff her hair, it’s gonna be great.

Hillary also said I gotta end each entry with “more later” but I’m thinking “come on, man” or “c-mon man!!” seems more appropriate for me.

Come on, man!

yeah, that’s good.

What will the US do without:

Barbra Streisand

Bryan Cranston (permanent vacation in Vancouver)

Miley Cyrus (not sure Canada will take her so not sure where she’s going)

Lena Dunham (so long, eh?)

Amy Schumer (Does she know Spain has horrible food?)

Jon Stewart

Cher (not sure you can really move to Jupiter, but…)

Chelsea Handler

Samuel L. Jackson (he’s going to love South Africa, it’s beautiful)

Reverand Al Sharpton (someone not even I will miss – but no chance I would be lucky enough to get him out of the country)

and more. Just hurts me.

More later.

 

Note to self: send James Comey a Christmas card.

More later.

 

Campaigning with some celebs has been fun. Here’s what Pharrell said about me:

“Has she been dishonest about things? Sure. Have you? She don’t lie no more than any other politician.”

Fantastic endorsement. I mean, it’s not like the government has been letting America down once they get elected. It’s not like politicians say one thing and do another. It’s not like the last 4 out of 7 Governors of Illinois went to prison on corruption charges, fraud, bribery… Oh wait, yes they did. So, yes I guess I’m like a lot of other politicians. A majority of the governors in Illinois at least.

More later…