Month: October 2024

My campaign is all about JOY.

Well, it’s about change. Joy and change. Change really.

Like, generally our message is:

On Day 1 — I’ll fix everything that we’ve broken the past four years. So, vote for me so I can change it.

Because I was just the VP.

If I had been the President, everything would have been different and things would be better.

Because things are not great, I agree. Prices are high. Wages are down.

I will fix the Biden mistakes! Vote for me!

But, then I go on The View yesterday. With Joy Behar. Jesus — wow — her name is really mismatched with her personality!! Holy fuck. But, I digress.

Yesterday, I go on The View. And I say I would not have done ANYTHING differently than Joe the past few years. And that I was in on every single important decision.

So, and I’m a little confused here — if I’m running on a platform to change things up, saying I’ll fix everything on one hand…. And on the other hand, I’m saying it was basically me who got us into this mess because I would not have changed a SINGLE thing Joe did AND I was in on all the decisions …. It makes my brain hurt trying to figure that out.

I’m not a brain surgeon, though. Maybe someone else can decipher that mess.

I also heard that the Howard Stern of 15 years ago is rolling over in his grave. Not sure what that even means, but I’m also bad at math, so that could be it.

Joy. I pray to the baby Jesus I don’t have to be in same room with Joy Behar again. And note to self — never get between her and the food in the green room…. The secret service nearly had to save my life in there.

We good. Maybe. If I don’t do anymore interviews, then yeah, maybe….

Status meeting.

I’m not sure why, but people in my staff keep calling Al Gore the “ManBearPig” guy.

Al Gore. I’m don’t quite know his story, but I think he created the internet, predicted the complete destruction of the polar ice caps by 10 years ago, and said NYC and Florida would be underwater by now or soon — totally a guy that should be taken seriously. I think. I’m bad at math, I would have to check that.

And why are we even talking about this Al Gore guy in my status meeting?

Surprisingly, he is the 12th most popular Democrat. And, he’s now hosting a sold-out fundraiser in Washington DC for me. I mean most political fundraisers cost tens of thousands and I think I heard he sold out his at $500 a head (like it was for a local high school band or something). But, who’s counting?

What is he most famous for? Well, he was the incumbent Vice President running for President in 2000 — a clear favorite.

Wait a minute…. I’m an incumbent VP running for President. And I’m the clear favorite as well.

But he lost.

And I think a staffer said he lost to some guy named Chad, but I’m pretty sure he lost to George W. Bush. Maybe my staff is trying to confuse me. Again. Like when they try to explain to me that my price control plan will not help inflation — it will hurt it. Math stuff.

Hey. I appeared on 60 minutes yesterday! Shouldn’t we be talking about that instead of making jokes about ManBearPig?

So I ask the staffers and the campaign people, “Why aren’t we talking about my awesome 60 minutes interview”

And I get shit in response like:

— Nothing to talk about

— My mom told me if I had nothing nice to say, say nothing at all

— I’m trying to forget it happened

— I have PTSD

— Didn’t we all agree to tell her she’s not allowed to talk in these meetings anymore?

— Mayorkas said we were out of FEMA money but no one warned us we didn’t have enough money to pay your brain bill…

Wait, what?

Fucking staff. Oh well. I’ll just keep going out there and doing my job — like politicizing the weather and pretending to be for the people…

We good.

I hate camping or really anything to do with the outdoors and math. Not sure why I’m thinking about math, or what it has to do with camping, I’m just bad at it and hate it. But, camping? It’s just too — what’s the word I’m looking for — it’s “beneath me” — for people nothing like me — “regular” people, maybe it’s for people who are good at math. I don’t know. All I think is —- fuck camping. And math.

But, what does my team do? They came up with some “kitschy” thing called “Camp Kamala” which kinda makes me cringe and I have trouble saying it out loud without looking visibly uncomfortable.

And what the f is it anyway? Camp Kamala is advertised to be an exclusive leadership development opportunity for our top supporters to get trained up on our messaging and key skills to knock doors, make calls, and organize and win this fall.

And we are teaching very important things, VERY IMPORTANT things that I and the Democratic Party stands for:

— merit and achievement should take a back seat to identity politics

— freedom of speech is very dangerous

— we have to stay “woke.” Like, everybody needs to be ‘woke.’ And you can talk about if you’re the ‘wokest’ or ‘woker’ but just a more ‘woke’ than less “woke”

— sex changes for every inmate in the USA should be paid for by tax payers. And biological men who start identifying as women in prison should automatically be transferred to women’s prison. Do not listen to the haters that talk about the high price of this (what better use could we possibly have for tax payer dollars!?) or the many times that this important policy has ended up bad for women who have been raped, physically assaulted, and violently harassed by these transgenders in prison. For example, a man who killed his parents decided he wanted to be a woman and so we transferred him to a women’s prison. He —- she — ended up raping women and assaulting multiple women in the prison. There is also that story of the serial killer of women who was imprisoned, then started identifying as a woman and was transferred into a women’s prison in Washington state and was tormenting and raping the women. These are stories you can ignore. Isolated incidents that have only happened in New York, Illinois, Oregon, California, New Jersey, Washington and — who’s counting? Ignore.

— women should have complete control over their bodies. But, not if we come up with another virus and then a dangerous experimental vaccine to “save everyone” from the virus. In this case, they would have no control, absolutely none, over their own bodies and healthcare. We would start vaccine mandates again. For sure.

— biological men should be allowed to play in women’s sports. Full stop. No argument. Arguments that are true like males have a physical advantage over females in most athletics, Title IX is a piece of legislation intended to give women and girls equal opportunities in education which would be obliterated by allowing biological men into women’s sports, women are losing scholarships and sports titles to biological males, and women are being physically injured by stronger biological males in their sports — these are just transphobic. Just because only about a quarter of the US population poll are actually in favor of biological males in women’s sports — this does not change our view. F women. Except the men who identify as women. That’s our view, but don’t say that aloud.

— We are “Social justice warriors” — sounds great when you say it. Doesn’t matter if it really means we are unreasonable, sanctimonious and biased, with wacky leftist views very few people actually want imposed on their lives. And yes, we are okay with using bullying tactics or increased use of violence and threats of violence to silence our political opponents. Jailing political opponents — or using lawfare against them — that’s ok, too. And don’t worry that we are often more concerned with outward displays of virtuous opinions than with actual acts of compassion and charity. As long as people don’t look too closely at our actions and focus on the amazing words — “We are Social Justice Warriors” — we are good.

— my favorite — let’s tax the hell out of everyone!! The government knows how to spend your money better than you! This is a key component of my campaign. And it should be explained with lots of joy.

Oh… I could go on and on. I’m just writing down a few of my favorites to reminisce about later.

Maybe I like camping after all. Camp Kamala!

We good.

Ok. First, I never liked James Carville. What a hack. And when I said that I didn’t like him to one of my staffers — not raccoon-face — but the short, dumpy one — I could have sworn she said something to the effect of, “Well, his head is brighter than your future” but she was mumbling, and walking out of the room, so who knows?

He does have that famous quote, though:

“It’s the economy, stupid.”

That was some phrase he said to campaign workers when he was a strategist on the successful Bill Clinton campaign. He felt that the economy was something to focus on for voters, and that generally people care the most about the economy and vote for who could steward it better. Other people talk about kitchen table politics — like what the voters see every day, is the most important — what affects them personally… like the cost of gas, or eggs, or whatever.

I don’t get it. What is the hang-up with the economy? And the Republicans and Trump are constantly droning on and complaining about inflation — saying the inflation is so bad, prices are up, and people are hurting.

This seems like a complete fabrication or some kind of misrepresentation of the numbers.

Inflation is up. Don’t get me wrong, and it’s not good. And prices are horrendously up. Prices are 21.2% more expensive since the recession began in February 2020, with 94% of items that the Bureau of Labor Statistics tracks being more expensive than when we took office. 6 percent are the same or cheaper though!! How come they never point that out?

Just for comparison’s sake, I did see a report that said prices rose just under 7.8% during the four years of Donald Trump’s presidency. So. So what? Who’s counting?

Trump had inflation, too!! The year over year inflation increase during Trump’s administration was 1.4 percent. So there. Well, I guess that’s 65 percent less than the historical average on inflation. Near record numbers.

And our administration? Well, during the Biden/Harris (frankly, let’s just blame the old guy if possible) inflation peaked at 9.1 percent — but who’s counting? Our average year over year inflation is at over 5 percent. Like a 30 percent increase on the historical average. But we did pass the infamous “Inflation Reduction Act” which sounds cool. So.

I did ask a staffer what the price increases during our administration meant to the normal average middle class family.

“Oh, Madame Vice President, I don’t want to burden you with numbers — remember, you’re not good at math.” — This is the reply I got.

“Yeah, but pretend I care and tell me.” I said — staring at him— because they know I’m serious if I look at them, which I rarely do.

And you know what!? He said that roughly the price increases during my administration cost the average middle class family $1,400 a month, $17,000 a year or almost one year’s worth of salary during our administration.

Doesn’t seem a lot to pay to have me in office, does it? I mean…. they could have peace and prosperity under Trump, but they’d really miss my cackle. The cackle alone has to be worth 17k a year (or potentially more, my economic plan is more of a crap shoot than a plan)…

We good. I think.

So I don’t understand the chatter on social media about the Democrats, and me in particular, being heartless after fucking Mayorkas announced we don’t have enough FEMA money for AMERICANS for the hurricane season.

If it was for people here in the USA illegally? We would find the money. We aren’t heartless.

In fact, we are so wonderfully nice — we make it super easy to come to the country if you want to. We have a CBOne App for anyone in the world — it takes less than five minutes and zero documentation for people anywhere to be approved to fly into the USA on tax-payer funded air tickets, and when they get here, we give them money and food and assistance to get them settled. We will even pay their housing in most communities, and my plan — Day 1 — is to make this even better and easier. And, help them buy houses here in the USA.

Hey — with a stroke of a pen, we can even give them “legal status” — even the ones with crazy criminal records. They deserve a second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth (and so on) chance, I believe. And so, helping them buy houses is the least we could do.

Recently, the California state Senate decided that “undocumented immigrants” (illegals) should be eligible for a taxpayer-funded home loan program which would provide up to $150,000 in down payment help for eligible first-time home buyers.

And I think that’s great. I truly want to Californinize the country. California is like the poster child for me, I helped shape the state for many years — and it’s the absolute top in so many areas — the home of high taxes, the most homeless, most people moving out of the state, most insanely indoctrinated education…. Oh yes, and huge, huge, increases in crime numbers. See!? The top in so many areas.

People should stop looking at North Carolina and look at all the good we do for everyone all over the world, regardless of their backgrounds. We are inclusive… And if they look at all that, maybe their opinions on our competence would change.

Heartless? Hardly. We care. We really do.

We good.

I’m not a brain surgeon and I’m bad at math, but I don’t think it’s a great look for my campaign or my competence when my fucking Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas tells reporters that the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) “does not have the funds” to see Americans through the rest of this hurricane season.

Because, even though I’m bad at math, it’s pretty easy to look up the amount of money my administration has spent on dumb things and also the amount of money our government has made the great American taxpayers shell out to other countries and people who are not Americans. Many, many, many billions. With a B. I think these are the numbers, approximately. But they are provided by the government, so… not sure if they are correct:

$24 billion to Ukraine.

$11 billion to Israel.

$2 billion to Ethiopia.

$1.5 billion to Jordan.

$1.5 billion to Egypt.

$1 billion to Afghanistan.

$1 billion to Somalia.

$1 billion to Yemen.

Almost $1,000,000,000 (that’s a billion – NINE zeros) to Congo.

Almost $1 billion to Syria.

And … we gave access to $10 billion to Iran six weeks after it killed three American soldiers…

What!?

In past two years, we have given nearly $1,000,000,000 (that’s a billion dollars) of FEMA money (that doesn’t count the many many many billions that has come out of other government funds. From tax-paying Americans.

The city of NY alone, for example, is planning to spend $3.07 billion in FY 2024 to house migrants.

And then Hurricane Helene victims. Well, we have repeatedly said we will give them everything they need. In fact, I recently gave the ability for each victim to apply for $750 emergency funds. I mean, they don’t have computers or internet to do that (or food, water…homes) — but who’s counting? $750 is a lot of money. I mean, we pay $350 a night, every night, for the illegal immigrants in NYC, but who’s counting?

Additionally, we have provided:

Untold thousands of dollars to each illegal immigrant that has entered the U.S — cell phones, cash cards, rides to other states, food cards… I guess a bunch of stuff. And the cost to Americans — who knows?

Last year, FAIR published a report entitled the
Fiscal Burden of Illegal Immigration on United States Taxpayers. The study strives to illustrate the
myriad of ways Americans pay for illegal immigration. The conservative estimate is that Americans now pay $150.7 billion dollars annually due to illegal immigration. This figure represents a
net cost— estimated expenditures are $182 billion. Approximately $31 billion is received from illegal aliens in taxes, only 17 percent of the
costs they create.

But who’s counting? And where was I going with this? Too many numbers.

And yet, not enough for Americans…?

Fucking Mayorkas. If I’ve learned one thing — it’s that you’re not supposed to be truthful to the Americans. Especially in an election year.

Good? No, no good.

I’m not talking about me. People like me.

Communists like me, terrorists like me, parents who have yet to understand that I am in favor of stripping all their rights in choices about their kids — they like me, women who want a woman for President and haven’t figured out (or choose to ignore) that I don’t care about women’s sports or women in general — they like me, and people who hate Trump — they like me.

People like me; they really, really like me.

It’s Liz Cheney that no one can stand.

And me? I have to go to the “birthplace of the Republican Party” today — some shitty “Little White Schoolhouse” in Wisconsin with her. Fuck.

I can see why no one likes her. She is not easy to be around. She’s smug — she always acts like she’s the smartest in the room. I don’t care who her fucking daddy was — Lizard (that’s what I like to call her behind her back because she reminds me of a fat, slimy, lizard) — I don’t care who her Daddy is or was… I don’t like her.

Democrats don’t like her because it’s people like her who propped up Trump and she should not be able to wash her hands from that stain — ever — no matter how many times she says she hates him now. Also — she has attacked Democrats for their “ridiculous wokeness.” How dare she! Our ridiculous wokeness is our strength! It’s how we choose our leaders, it’s the most important thing to add to school curriculums — who care about reading and writing? It’s so much better to spend tax payer money to add in gender talks for kindergartners and first graders. They should learn early there are at least 72 genders and more being added all the time! And have drag queens do their story time! How dare she say this is ridiculous!?

And Republicans? Cheney was VERY badly defeated in her last race — and conceded quickly. They hate her for chumming up to Nervous Nancy and the other Democrats and pretending to be a “Republican” on the January 6th witch hunt committee.

And to some people on both sides — Liz “the chubby turn coat” as they like to call her (no one likes a smug, chubby, turn coat) — along with her father — is known to have led the United States into a strategically disastrous war in the Middle East on the basis of lies and misrepresentations… one of the worst cons in American political history, resulting in the death of several thousand American soldiers and about 200,000 Iraqi civilians.

I’m no brain surgeon but I have heard the phrase, “Hell hath no fury like a women scorned.” And when Trump pointed out that fact — that she and her father were warmongers — and more interested in reaping the money surrounding that war than they were interested in stopping war and protecting Americans… well, I can imagine she (and Daddy) was angry.

Angry enough to pretend that she believes that Trump poses an existential threat to American democracy and that her most important task as a patriotic American and daughter of Dick Cheney is to counter that danger?

Setting aside that she knows my administration will try to actually change Democracy as we know it — pack the Supreme Court, deeply curtail the first Amendment, throw the second Amendment out, make Washington DC a new completely Democratic state virtually guaranteeing the Democrats will own the senate (or maybe abolish the Senate — who needs that?) …impose actual fascism — force “choices” on people — like vaccines and electric vehicles — etc … is there another reason she wants to support me to beat Trump? And how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Toostie Roll pop? Perhaps the world will never know.

I got to read a little bit of her speech today, ahead of time, and she plans to say —

“As citizens, we each have a duty to put country above partisanship to defend our Constitution. That is why I will be casting my vote for Vice President Kamala Harris.”

And yet. She knows my priorities do not include defending the constitution— actually mostly the opposite. So. Is she smug, chubby, a turn coat AND dumb?

My staff did tell me that the reason I have to stand beside her is that she is the one woman who has a favorability score less than mine — and so, as my favorability is now starting to go back down again as people see and hear more from me, I’ll look good next to her — and I’ll try my best not to refer to her as a smug Lizard.

We good. Wisconsin — here we come!

I’m not a brain surgeon and I don’t speak French. But I sure as hell know a two on one when I see it.

Technically last night’s debate should be a 3 on 1 — Walz and the moderators versus Vance.

But Walz was hardly a factor. In my mind he went from the creepy school teacher you suspect has bodies buried in his back yard to …. to the reason shampoo bottles need instructions or the one the flight attendants are talking to when they explain seatbelts… or even the guy who asks if he’s spelling his own name right when he’s filling out his name tag. He was a complete idiot and, by contrast, made Vance look like well, a — brain surgeon.

I thought we were the party of joy — but for me — the only joy Walz brought to the debate was when he left the stage.

He even called himself a knucklehead!!! I mean— who wants a knucklehead for a VP?

And Vance? He basically put on a clinic on how to destroy another person in a debate but be very civilized and nice about it. It was a thing of beauty. He went from the weird guy no one knew (but they thought he was weird since that’s all we say about him, and the media echoes it) to a respectful man — President-like — unwavering and articulate. The viewers saw a man that — if he became President, would be serious, brilliant and well-respected. And a man that clearly has Americans’ best interests at heart.

Ugh.

The only good thing is that my staff and I had a drinking game— and we took a drink every time Walz’s eye bugged out of his head or he looked dazed and confused, or he lied but wasn’t fact-checked. We were all seriously hammered by the end of it all. So… his embarrassing loss to Vance wasn’t as painful with the alcohol pulsing though my veins.

But this morning? My head hurts, I feel like I’m going to throw up, and it’s not even from the booze, I don’t think. Some things you just can’t unsee, and Walz’s “deer in headlights” look is one of those. I’m sick to my stomach at the thought of … being in same room with him and having to grin and say things like, “Walz was amazing” and … and I’m feeling like a little throw-up is going to come into the back of my mouth when I have to say this, “I’m so happy to have Walz as my running mate; he is going to be a great VP.”

I am holding out hope that I’m not the only person in America who just can’t stand the guy. Well, the media has really become the best supporter of the Democratic Party and have no shame lying to everyone. The people who didn’t actually witness this uncomfortable awkward Walz performance will be told he was amazing and Vance is still a weirdo.

We probably good…. if I can avoid actually throwing up. Seriously, ugh. And triple ugh.

I was wondering what Iran did with the $16 billion Biden gave them.

And, I just walked out of the situation room. And I guess I now know. Biden wasn’t at the beach, after all. He was just napping.

The media couldn’t possibly pin this on me. I’m their Kamala ball of joy. And light. Just because we funded terrorism and hundreds of ballistic missiles… I mean, who is really counting? I should be fine.

War, not usually super great. But, my staffer reminded me — it could help the people who make money off war…. most of which are some of my biggest supporters… And that, in turn could help me… maybe we good after all…?

They said I most likely won’t have to do a news conference. (Better if I don’t) … But I did get promised wine at the debate watching party tonight.

So sounds like I am good.

So now we are basically at war in the Middle East. Iran sending rockets into Israel. Israel on ground incursion of Lebanon. People huddled in shelters.

And I think Joe is still at the beach. Who knows? Not that it matters.

Just potentially the beginning of WWIII — but who’s counting?

And…. Me? Me — I’m not “allowed to do news conferences” and the world is waiting.

The status meeting changed from talks of the impending VP debate to — what the fuck is going on — chaos.

I’m sitting here taking time to write in my diary while they all figure out how to tightrope the situation. We’ve gotten pretty good at finger pointing and the constant “tsk, tsk” directed at Israel and stance of finding a way to somehow blame them for all the wrongs, while also occasionally feigning pro-Israel stance.

The gang is now discussing that polling suggests that more than 1/2 of the Democrats favor the anti-Israel BDS movement (only a very very small numbers of Republicans— weirdly) — and it’s gotten to a point where we need those voters… so we have to be very careful not to offend the large anti-Semitic portion of our party.

And then we have the other side…. The Republicans… and Libertarians… they like to point out that we should stop funding terrorists – like Iran —- I guess stop giving money to Iran so they can fund all the other terrorists who want all Israelis dead, and also all Americans. They point out that if the terrorists would put down their weapons there would be peace but if Israel puts down their weapons there would be no Israel. And if they had a chance they would kill us all too. And what are they saying about tunnels they are now finding from Mexico to San Diego dug by Hamas? I’m super confused. Basic nonsense (or common sense in there somewhere) — hard to figure out.

Yeah. We no good.