Month: October 2024

Gollum. James Carville. They let him out from whatever rock he lives under or should live in or under. And he’s on every f*ing news station.

People like me less every time they see me.

And every time people see him? He is makes people run from the Democratic Party. He is “certain I will win” which is kinda like saying “she never misses a three-foot putt” right before I yip and miss it.

I mean, I have no idea what that means, and I’m bad at math, but the guy on my team with what looks like a bat in his hair said it. And then explained it.

He’s jinxing you, Harris. We have gollum, or a goblin, or a burn victim —- whatever you want to call him … he’s not a good look, he’s not someone anyone wants to hear from. And… he’s on the air today sucking up all the oxygen.

Which might be ok. The alternative would be airing pieces of the interview I just did where I touched my nose 3,000 times and laughed like a hyena.

We good.

We are trying our best to sell Tim Walz as “an All-American normal Dad. Football coach, leader, even ‘hunter’ (LOL).”

We are leaving out the snitch part. Because no one likes a snitch.

Given the opportunity to help the citizens of Minnesota through a very difficult time — the Covid years — a time where he could have been the “decent, loving Dad” his state needed…Caring, benevolent, supporting… given that opportunity — what did Governor Tampon Tim do?

Well, we try very hard to keep it out of the media… but he seized the opportunity to become a dictator, a complete and total tyrant. And a disaster. He forced school closure, used heavy-handed rules with the rest of normal society and…

He implemented a “snitch” line — asking neighbors to call in and snitch on other neighbors that might be having family over for dinner, or for playing basketball with their kids in their driveways — all things Walz made illegal. Because he wanted to. Not because the science said people would be a harm to others for playing basketball on their own driveways for God’s sake!

And recently? The “All American Dad” said that asking people to snitch on their neighbors and be more loyal to government rules and regulations (no matter how dumb) than their own families and their own neighbors is great. He said, “one person’s socialism is another person’s neighborliness”.

Well if people don’t like snitches, I’m sure they love socialist tyrants. I mean, I can’t stand him. But….

We good.

Not Tim Walz. Well, yes Tim Walz, but that’s not who I’m writing about.

Marc Cuban.

Actually, I think it’s Mark Cuban. With a K. But who cares? The guy is generally disliked by about everyone.

Why? Well, he’s a rude know-it-all, he cozies up to China as if they own him, he led a corporate culture in the Mavericks’ offices rife with misogyny and predatory sexual behavior, he orchestrated a shady stock trade but got off because he technically wasn’t an “insider” —- I could go on and on. But, Elon Musk was right about one thing at least — Mark Cuban is an “insufferable tool.”

And he looks like Rachel Maddow’s twin. That in itself is disturbing.

But worse? The guy actually endorsed Biden AFTER the debate. Like, the same debate America watched. And then NO ONE want to vote for him except his wife.

He then makes some very disqualifying statements — like “the main stream media has a right-leaning bias.” What? I’m bad at math but 80-90% of the news on every network (but maybe Fox News) is pretty far left. On Fox, the news is still quite left of their viewership.

And he said, “if I had enough money, I would buy Fox and X.” To do what? Ensure that the only place conservative voices are allowed…. Ensure that they would NOT be allowed — even on Fox or X? Fox is the most watched news station, actually. Fox just announced 91 consecutive quarters as the most-watched cable news channel in primetime. People want what they are selling. But….

Well, he might be on to something …

That would actually be pretty good. 80-90 percent of the news going my way isn’t enough. Only about 4 percent of all journalists describe themselves as conservative or somewhat conservative. I’m bad at math — but that basically means nearly all journalists look at the world with a non-conservative view. So, if we stop Fox … we control the world! Bwahahaha!

I still don’t like him. I told him I watch Shark Tank, but in reality, I can’t sit through more than a few seconds of his total A-hole show. And his voice well — maybe the only voice I hate more than Tim Walz honestly. And Tim’s voice makes me want to shoot him with my kick ass Glock. That I really own. Really.

Pittsburgh tonight. I’m not in a great mood so, perfect place to be. Just when you think it can’t get worse, the team says — and next stop…Pittsburgh.

We good? Not really. 13 days left of this shit.

Status meeting.

Apparently my staff is worried about Halloween. I’m bad at math, but it appears that Spirit Halloween has been predicting the winner of Presidential races correctly for about 30 years based on the sales of their masks.

The Trump mask was just slightly outselling my mask. Just slightly. So, we were not worried. At all.

But now — after the MagaDonald stunt — their stores have been overrun with people wanting the masks, McDonald’s aprons, and fry baskets.

And this has my staff at panic levels. Threat level Dark Orange. That’s the highest level.

I haven’t seen them this panicked since they saw how horrible Tim Walz was at the debate. They are seriously in a tizzy. Over a costume.

Could there be something to it? Could I have “peaked” too early? We have been on a slow but steady decline in enthusiasm and support since the DNC. We have been making mistakes everywhere.

The Catholics are mad because I missed the Al Green or Al Smith or whatever dinner. Also, because I want to kill babies. The Jews are mad because I seem to “hate” Israel and “love” Hamas. In order to play to the Muslims, I have to somewhat stay at least neutral on the conflicts over there. It’s impossible to keep everyone happy.

And the Muslims? They are now mad because I’ve chosen to play cozy with Liz Cheney — and they hate the warmongering Cheneys. And blondes.

We good? Not quite sure. Halloween costumes?

Maybe.

Birthdays suck — especially on the campaign trail… I spent mine in church.

Church.

On a positive note — by some miracle — a divine lightning bolt did not come from the sky and electrocute me.

My staff had bets on whether that would happen, or maybe they were just wishing it would happen —- maybe not full incineration, but like just a quick torture jolt — not sure — but, in any case, it didn’t happen. Thankfully.

Two weeks away. I’ll say, the media and our surrogates are really pulling out the stops to lie, cheat, and steal. It’s beautiful.

A few things bothering me:

— the available data shows that Republicans have eaten into the Democratic advantage from the same time in 2020 on early voting. Big time.

— I wonder if that MagaDonald’s stunt will gain Trump any momentum. A few of the really funny memes with him at the drive-up window may win meme of the century… I’m telling you. Scary, also brilliant. That son of a bitch.

— why does Tim Walz look so much like Mr. Magoo or like post-transition Mrs. Harrison.

Anywho. Back to pretending I gaf about anyone or anything but me….

We good.

Trump. The ultimate troll. He trolls everyone. But, right now I’m obviously his favorite target.

Yesterday he worked at McDonald’s for fifteen minutes so he could say he worked at McDonald’s fifteen minutes longer than me.

The owner of the McDonald’s franchise, Derek Giacomantonio, said in a statement that the event was held to allow the former President to “observe the transformative working experience that 1 in 8 Americans have had: a job at McDonald’s.”

One in 8, but not me. F no. But there is no way to check, so it’s been part of my “made up history” to make me seem relatable.

And my staff? They laughed. “It hit kinda close to home,” they said. “And reminded people that you lie, a lot.”

They went further to say it was brilliant, heartwarming, and actually his best troll yet.

“Wtf!” I yelled.

Don’t worry, they said. The media will spin it into something great for you. And our surrogates will make up some more lies about him. Just go out with your slick hair and pretend you’re a caring, smart, talented leader. Keep up the act; you’re going to win an Oscar!

15 days to go.

We good?

Status meeting. As if I don’t have enough to worry about.

We seem to be on a small but steady decline in voters in all categories and a pretty large and steady decline in motivation of likely blue voters.

Staff still say we can win this. But it’s getting down to the nitty gritty.

And the Senate? It actually looks like we will lose control.

There are 28 democrats seats NOT up for election and 36 Republican seats NOT up for election this cycle. So, we have 36 seats being contested.

Of those, 14 will go to the Democrats and 9 will go Republican. In landslides.

So — with those, we are at 42 Democrats and 45 Republicans. I’m bad at math, but I think I’m in the general neighborhood.

And the remaining 13 seats? Those races are pretty fucking close.

Right now my team predicts the Republicans take back the Senate.

And the House? It will be a nail biter to the end. If Republicans hold the house, it looks like it will be a smaller margin than they had.

But we are all guessing.

On the bright side, if I win, I will push to get rid of the senate and/or make Washington DC a state and then the Senate will be Democratic.

Oh that reminds me of a joke.

My Doug Emhoff has been touring the country talking about the Democrats positions on various subjects. He was asked by a reporter about his own position on a subject.

“Doug, what’s your position on extra marital affairs?”

To which he replied, “Missionary.”

Ha ha ha.

That had nothing to do with the Senate. How about…

Q: Why do thieves never target politicians’ homes?
A: Professional courtesy.

Anywho. Back to pretending I care about America!

We good.

After months of being told what to do, being scolded for idiotic things I have said or done — well, I got my turn.

Yeah, one of my favorite pastimes — yelling at and/or belittling the staff.

And it was a glorious 30 minute of yelling at the staff that told me to miss the Al Smith dinner. Because that “calculated risk” —- well, it was the wrong choice. Missing it was the wrong choice. Putting together the dumb video — also the wrong choice.

The risk — pissing off the Muslims and the LGBTQ community by supporting a Catholic event — well, instead…. I get most of the country laughing at me, thinking I can’t speak on my feet without a teleprompter, thinking I can’t make correct choices — AND I really angered the Catholics, and apparently (according to internal polling) motivated them to vote. And not for me.

I have earned a nasty reputation as an alleged “soul-destroying” workplace “bully”. I have something like a 95% turnover rate in my staffers. I can’t put together cogent statements that outline what we need to do together as a team and build cohesiveness — but I can treat people as if they have no value, swear at them, and make them wish they never met me.

If I lose this election, they will look back at that one night, at that one video and that one missed dinner. And say it was to blame for the loss. That, and maybe my annoying voice, generally.

It’s a widely held belief that Hillary lost by ignoring the rust belt, and calling half the country “deplorables” — and my missing this dinner looks like it’s the “straw that broke the camel’s back” for Catholics, a large voting block.

They seem to have had enough of the Democrats demeaning their religion. We have championed drag queens dressing up as nuns, arrested church goers during Covid, and Gretchen Whitmer recently made fun of holy communion by feeding a scantily dressed woman a Dorito chip… our side is basically anti-Catholic bigotry on steroids.

“You’re not going to go to hell for voting Democrat” was their line at the DNC — even as we touted abortion as our number one priority.

But this has changed drastically. They have had enough. And their new line is — “to hell with the Democrats. Vote Red, vote for freedom of religion, vote as if your life depended on it, vote the anti-Catholic party out — across the board. Gather your family, grab your neighbors, and walk over broken glass if you need to… but vote for anyone Red on any ticket. Hold your nose if you have to, but vote Trump in. Today.”

Hey — they stole that “hold your nose thing” from us. That’s not fair.

And that’s a problem. 25 percent of the voters — now have a motivation to vote against me. But I did have a fun 30 minutes yelling at my staff. So it’s not all bad.

We good-ish.

Well. Thanks, team.

They wouldn’t let me do the Al Smith dinner. Catholics represent 25 percent of the vote in the US. And I don’t go to one of the most revered events that raises money for Catholic charities.

It’s a tradition going back a billion years — the Presidential candidates go to the dinner. They do light-hearted jabs at each other then they smile and pretend they don’t want to stab each other with their steak knives — it’s generally a nice “unity” moment in the middle of the campaign.

And my team — they say, “no Harris — you can’t handle it. A speech without a teleprompter? You just can’t. You may offend 25 percent of the voters by NOT going, but you could turn off 100 percent of the voters if you go and try and give a speech in that room without a teleprompter. You’re not funny, you’re not good without a teleprompter — other people are. And you will laugh. Because everyone else is funny. And no one likes your laugh.”

So we declined the invitation, said I had “scheduling conflicts” and sent in an embarrassing taped segment that took like 1000 takes and still made no sense. I looked good though. Slick hair, nice makeup.

It was a calculated risk. I miss the dinner and upset 25 percent of the voters that don’t like me much anyway, or I piss off the Muslims which I need in Michigan and perhaps risk turning off ALL the voters if I bomb. Which my team says I would have. Definitely, without a doubt. Again, thanks team.

But the mistake in all of it I didn’t see coming? Trump was great, won a few points with the voters … and I wasn’t there. The preliminary focus group hated my absence and said the video I sent was awkward and “cringy” and dumb.

I’m sure there is some media spin that will help. But at this point — it feels like an embarrassing miscalculation made worse by a lame attempt at a funny video that wasn’t funny and was booed loudly on live TV.

I’m bad at math but when your opponent wins points and you lose point on the same day, I don’t think that’s good.

Thanks, team. Not good.

Well. This is bullsh*t. I got a text from a “friend” who said they watched my rally the other night. The text:

“Hey Kam. I’m not sure how to say this but I’m just going to be honest because we want you to win. First, the positive — 1) you’ve done a moderately decent job at toning down the cackling. You could do better, but it’s definitely slightly improved. Just keep remembering, no one likes your laugh.

But equally important, and I need to stress this — 2) you gotta STOP YELLING. If there is one thing worse than your laugh, well, it might be this new “angry old man/pissy, bitter school-teacher/nasty drill sergeant” voice ya got going on…

Kam — No one wants to vote for a shrilly hyena that barks constantly. It’s a bad combination. And not at all presidential.

What voters really want is someone competent. But we have you. So at least … please, for the love of God — work on your tone, STOP YELLING, and minimize that laugh… I beg of you.

Hope to see you soon! XO – C”

That was it. I responded, “Thank you, darling. Busy days ahead, appreciate your support.”

But inside, I’m like muahahahah…

If she doesn’t like my laugh now, she’s really going to hate my laugh when I weaponize the IRS and audit her ass.

Bwuahahah. We good.

I’m now going to go yell at someone and then laugh in their face.

We good.