Month: September 2024

We rattle on about how bad Trump will be for the people, with Agenda 2025 at the forefront of it all. Just because Trump has never suggested that Agenda 2025 is part of his platform doesn’t mean that we can’t make shit up and scare the people about it.

Look over there — Agenda 2025 is soooo bad and Trump will do it — it’s a great distraction.

And then. Our side? Completely in favor of Agenda 2030. And, it sounds so great. Stop climate change, eradicate poverty and starvation, ensure gender equality.

But what does it really mean? Complete government control. Not a government for the people — but a government that controls the people. People own nothing, they have no freedom —- but their lives are great. The government sees to that. Completely makes sense.

Oh yeah, first step … if you control the food, you control the people. So there is now a globalist war on farmers.

Depopulation would help with starvation, for sure. So, maybe a more complex virus, or … well I’m sure one of these 2030 people can come up with something.

And gender equality. Well, that’s a pipe dream. We work with more than 30 countries that mutilate young girls. And give money to those countries in aid packages. (And like 70 where being gay is illegal, 8 where being gay can result in the death penalty — but who’s counting?)

And .. Women are on the attack everywhere. Especially Arab nations. Oh, sure there has been some progress. But according to UN, not rapid progress. Basically, at the current rate, it will take an estimated 300 years to end child marriage, 286 years to close gaps in legal protection and remove discriminatory laws, 140 years for women to be represented equally in positions of power and leadership in the workplace…

And my administration will ensure Title IX that was set up to protect women’s sports — that’s gotta be thrown out the window. Soon, there will be no biological women holding any records in any sports. We believe biological boys should compete against biological girls… and that’s ok. Just because there are more than 3000 high school boys that can run faster than the world’s fastest woman… just because our USA Olympic team was beaten by a bunch of high school boys — it doesn’t mean we should take men who say they are women out of women’s sports. That would be unfair to the boys.

And we’ve also closed our eyes and allowed child and women sex trafficking to run rampant at the border … situations where young girls have been found raped multiple times, “rape tents” set up along the journey to US — and we just say “there is no problem at the border.”

Agenda 2030! Let’s go.

At least we will get one woman in a place of power.

And control comes next.

Back to the podium!

The chants outside the hotel have gotten a little loud and obnoxious. “Build the Wall” “Save America” “Fight, Fight, Fight” “Trump, Trump, Trump” — it’s gonna make debate prep (and sleep) a little difficult.

I don’t get why anyone would be for Trump at this point. I’m the one that’s going to Save America… by packing the Supreme Court with liberals, abolishing the Senate (who needs it), getting rid of the pesky 1st and 2nd amendments (again, who needs them), ensuring protections for biological males who want to beat women in all sports… the good stuff.

I’m all for building a wall… around this hotel to keep Trump supporters far away. They are making me more irritated than usual. And that’s pretty bad.

Trying a new sign off line… here goes …

Why are people acting like I’m the first woman to obtain such a high ranking position in the US Government? Have we all forgotten that Monica Lewinsky was directly under Bill Clinton?

Nah, That’s way too wordy. Need more thought put into this….

Back to the podium! Shut up you peasant protestors!

2020 — the infamous comb that took Amy Klobuchar down… she got caught eating a salad with a plastic comb. And then she was eviscerated and left the race. It didn’t help that she had a very annoying voice…. but really, it was the comb, everyone knows that. You cannot have the leader of the free world known for eating with combs. It’s something you just can’t get out of your thoughts when you look at her— to this day.

But me? I’m the darling of the press. Literally… unable to do anything wrong in their eyes. I’m the best thing that’s come around since sliced bread.

Take the recent revelation that I used to wash my greens in the bathtub. I said I made so many greens for a party that I had to use my bathtub to wash them. I said that myself. At an event. The media was there.

Ok so maybe to 99.9 percent of the world— that’s a disqualifying incident — like very weird. Like strapping your dog to the roof of your car. Or eating salad with a comb. You don’t eat with a comb and you don’t wash food in the same place you’re standing to take a shower. The place you wash your body. No. People apparently don’t do that — my staff told me it’s just weird.

And what is reported by the media….Well, that I’m a culinary genius. Bacon and Tabasco in her greens! What other secrets can this amazing chef teach us? Some food and wine magazine just named me “chef of the decade” and Netflix offered me a big payout for a cooking show if I’m not busy after November 5.

My “Cooking with Kamala” YouTube channel has gotten like a gazilion billion views in last few days. I’m thinking about taking some time off of this debate practice to film a new video where I make spaghetti and meatballs for the staff.

I’ll just clean out this cat litter box here and use it for the serving dish. That’s not weird.

Still working on a diary “sign off” — how about … does Tim Walz really think it’s ok to be a “military impersonator”? Nah, that one just doesn’t seem right either. Will have to keep searching for something now that “I brat” is off the table.

For now … Back to the podium!

We have daily “status meetings” and today — between brutal fake debate sessions — the group informed me that we are bleeding young voters.

Which I just don’t get. Trump is fucking old. So, he got RFK and some kids apparently like that guy. So what!? He’s still fucking old. He may have more energy than I do, more experience, more fight, and he’s done like close to 40 interviews in the time I did one… but who’s counting… ? Oh, and he does have some great ideas (which I try hard to steal, of course) … but still??? I thought young people love me because I brat. And I’m funny and say dumb things.

Speaking of brat. Supposedly I have to drop that too. It is now trending as an acronym— Kamala B.R.A.T. — bitch raisin’ all taxes.

I am raising all taxes, but I need to stop saying that out loud.

Not sure what to sign off with now. Bitch Raising all Taxes just isn’t the tagline I want, even if true.

Maybe instead of “I brat” I sign off with …. Was Tim Walz involved in a giant fraudulent Covid scheme bilking tax payers out of millions?

Doesn’t quite have the same ring to it. I’ll have to think a little more later. Back to the podium!

Pennsylvania is known as the “Unavoidable State” because it’s a large state that connects a significant portion of the United States. It’s “fine” but completely and truly unavoidable for me.

Unavoidable because everyone says I need to win here to get into the White House. And unavoidable because I’m basically a hostage here — my team says I’m stuck here for the next week working on debate prep.

We are going to do back to back mock debates with podiums and people playing Trump and the moderators — basically non-stop — until Tuesday. Joe had those, too, before the debate he had against Trump in June — but the team says mine need to start earlier in the day and include a lot fewer naps breaks.

After my rally Monday I learned a few fun facts about Pittsburgh:

1. It used to be called the “Steel City” because it’s famous for producing steel. They’ve now changed it to “Steal City” because if you leave your car unattended for more than five minutes it’s gonna be stolen. Not as bad as my state — California — where a car is stolen every 2 minutes and 30 seconds — but still pretty bad. As I try to tout my record of lowered crime, I better forget to mention that stat and nickname.

2. People shorten Pittsburgh to “The Burgh.” Some call it “the Dirty Burgh” and some others call it a Democratic mess, with rising crime and kids that can’t read.

3. It’s also called “The Paris of the Appalachians” — I’ve been to Paris; this is no Paris. I haven’t been the Rio Grande portion of the border yet though, I’m not sure what the point of that would be.

4. One of my favorite nicknames for the city is “Hell with the Lid Off” — I’m not actually sure how it got that one but… hilariously accurate.

This visit to Pittsburgh…we might not kick all the customers out of a Pittsburgh restaurant to bring in actors to fill the place for a completely fake, scripted “impromptu” stop at a local restaurant. We might not, but we also might. We got flack for that, but it seems like a reasonable thing to do…My team says they have enough of a hard time editing me to look good, they don’t need the extra work of editing out hecklers screaming “get out demon” or whatever those red hat wearing guys yell. Why do we have free speech again?

Ugh. I’ll write more later. Raccoon Face says I gotta go back to the podium. I told them to get Alec Baldwin or one of the Baldwins to play Trump — that would have made this week a lot more fun.

Kinda hard to be brat here but I trying.

Ok, so I’ve been dreaming crazy things lately.

Could be the extra wine I need to make it through the days on the campaign trail. It’s really not that easy to deal with crotchety Joe and creepy Tim — and — the menagerie of staff like raccoon-face and the other ones.

So anyway, the dream. If you write down a dream immediately after waking up — immediately upon waking — your dream recall can be incredibly strong. And, for me, I can even feel the emotions of the dream as I recall it.

The Dream. So…

I’m with my dad in a lecture hall. It’s just me and him and he’s got a book he’s going to read aloud. I can see the gleam in his eye as he opens his mouth. I can feel the electric excitement as he is about to read from what I assume is one of our many favorite books touting communism. And he starts…

“Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery.”

And I look up in amazement to find that Dad turned into a fat old man that looks like Winston Churchill. And I rush from the desk I’m sitting in and stab him —- and then I wake up, horrified.

Ok, so it’s weird to stab a guy in a dream. It’s troubling. But to have my combative Marxist dad turned into Winston Churchill — a person who consistently believed in both the liberty of the individual and of free markets — that was just horrifying.

I immediately went to Dream Dictionary to find out what the dream could possibly mean. It says, “stabbing Winston Churchill in your dream means you are a socialist, marxist, and/or communist.” No shit, Sherlock.

Little worried about going to sleep tonight. Ugh… that was enough capitalism to last a lifetime. Maybe skip the wine and go straight to tequila.

Still brat.

It’s nice to wake up in the morning knowing I have a light schedule.

Campaigning is a bitch. No other way to say it. But these last few days with nothing to do, it’s been spectacular.

Ok, so today I do have to do a rally with Sleepy Joe. But no questions, smile a little. Say some words written on a prompter — have some wine. Easy.

But then… I’m up getting my coffee and there is a little gift left for me. Even addresses to Kamalanomenon. I’m thinking — how very sweet of someone!

And I open it. It’s a coffee mug. Ok, helpful. Then I turn it around and it says:

“You can’t just leave those who created the problem in charge of the solution.” ~Tyree Scott

And I’m thinking…. Did they mean me? That’s bullshit.

Yes, inflation bad, gas prices up, food prices unreasonable, crime ridiculously bad —- war everywhere. Chaos in the streets; antisemitism rising. Gangs taking over apartment buildings, people feeling unsafe in their own homes? All of these bad things (and probably a few I’m not immediately thinking of) in last 3 1/2 years. While I was there, in office, in the room, with responsibilities. But who’s counting?

I’m just the Vice President. What could I have done? When I’m in office, as the President, my magic wand will fix all those things. Hopefully, because my policies… well… they are much of the same that got us into this mess. Whoever left this for mug for me… fuck ‘em. It might be an accurate and appropriate quote – but fuck ‘em anyway.

A little Baileys in this mug with the coffee — and I say — screw everybody. I brat.

So soon?

Do they have to bring me bad news on my days off!?

I had a surge. I was ahead. I was winning.

And now the team comes in this morning and says they have advance private polling that suggests that in the battleground states — I am not ahead. I am losing.

Fake news never sleeps, my nemesis Trump would say.

“These are real numbers” — raccoon face staffer says.

I reply — of course — “go away Rocky (my pet name for raccoon face, I’m not sure what her real name is) — but get me a Bloody Mary first.”

I certainly hope they have something up their sleeve. The plan now is just to wait this one out in the basement and wait for time to pass while we wait for the passage of time. The significance of the passage of time, right? The significance of the passage of time. So when you think about it, there is great significance to the passage of time. And time will pass and if I don’t say much, we will be ok.

I have to win; I need to make changes that will probably make people regret voting for me, but they need to be made. I’m a Kamalanomenon. And we know what’s best for America— higher taxes, more freebies for undocumented “illegals”, bigger government, less individual freedom, less school choice, more biological men in girls sports, less healthcare choices, mandatory electric cars (or no cars at all?) — the good stuff … we know what’s best.

This Bloody Mary is amazing. Raccoon face may have a future as a bartender if this election turns out to be a bust. And I can always brat.