Month: September 2024

I guess I should be happy. Oprah is hosting a fantastic event for me and Tampon Tim in Michigan.

I should be grateful and happy. But I’m not. I am pissed. It’s just not fair that they only want me to me say thirty five words.

It is a 90 minute show. And me, soon to be leader of the free world — I got 35 words. About 11 seconds.

The so-called status meeting for the day, before the event, was less about the general status of our campaign and more of a nasty lecture to me from the handlers —- telling me in no uncertain terms that I was not allowed to talk.

We are close, they say. We can’t afford anymore idiotic word salads from you. We can’t afford you opening your mouth and proving your incompetence to the public. Just smile, say these 35 words we are going to practice until you get them exactly right… and that’s it.

It’s just not fair. Bush famously said he loved being President because no one could make him eat his vegetables — or something like that. And me? No control.

They let Walz bumble around and skip and laugh with his dumb mouth as much as he wants. He’s a total fucking goofball — and they let him talk.

“We can’t afford the dumb things you are bound to say be broadcast to millions.”

I just wanted to talk a bit about how we’ve reduced crime in my administration. Farmington Hills, where the event took place, is one of the safest places in the USA, for example. I was definitely not going to talk about crime in the rest of Michigan. No fucking way. Certainly I would avoid mentioning the illegal immigrant that was recently arrested for a breaking into a home to sexually assault two young children, or the organized crime rings made up of aliens that are targeting homes in southeast Michigan for break-ins and robberies, or the two recent brutal killings in the country nearby by some undocumented immigrants, or the asylum seekers recently arrested for trying to solicit sex with minors. I may not be a brain surgeon but I would have the brains just to talk in meaningless circles — say crime is down, then talk in more meaningless circles — everyone loves that, right?

But they say, “listen very carefully— we let some more rich, liberal Hollywood elites tell people how to vote — and you keep your pie hole fucking shut.”

Wow. We good? No, no fucking good. Thanks, Obama.

I looked up DeChambeau on the internet. Apparently he’s a golfer and wants to play golf with me.

He seems pretty cool — his video of him playing with Trump got him a gazillion views and tons of subscribers. He’s easy on the eyes, too. I was seriously considering doing it, and went to the staff today to ask their thoughts.

“Should we do it?” I asked.

“No, Harris, no.”

“How hard can it be? Trump wins everything. I heard sometimes the secret service throws his ball out of bunkers, into the fairway…helps him out a bit.”

“Maybe so, Harris. But Trump is a great golfer. At one of his clubs, he won the Club Championship, the Senior Club Championship, the Super Senior Club Championship — and the Club gave him the Most Improved Golfer of the year award, also. You do not want to get into a golf match with him, with Bryson, or with anyone.”

“But, if the secret service throws his balls out of the rough, on the fairway, moves them closer to the hole… couldn’t they do that for me?” I turned to the very masculine, very strong-looking secret service officer in the room when I asked that question, directing it at him.

The secret service agent exclaims a clear and emphatic no. Weird. I shake my head. I don’t understand. And, I ask “Why not..!!??” also emphatically; I can do emphatic too.

“I don’t think I should say, Madame.”

Tell me, I say.

“Well, ok… first of all, most secret service agents think the Democrats cheat too much already and…” he stops, with a slight grin…, “and…” he stopped again.

“Go ahead— whatever you have to say, just say it…” I glare but he continues…

“Well, if Trumps ball is moved at all, I’m guessing the main reason the men and women do it for Trump is they like the guy. They want him to have fun and enjoy his rounds. They know he’s a good golfer, and they think moving the ball a bit is no big deal — it just makes everyone a little bit happier, and they genuinely like him. He’s nice to them; he treats them well. He’s done so much…sacrifices so much… if they can do a small thing like moving his ball a bit in the rough to give him a good lie, or a few inches here or there — a little tiny payback to make his day just a tiny bit nicer… it’s a small thing, really — but they can do it for him. So they do. Because they like him.”

I continue to glare. What is he insinuating? And, I finally respond, “so you don’t think they would move my ball for me? I’ve done a lot for this country. Don’t I deserve a little payback…?”

The agent looked at me but had no response.

“Well…? I am now demanding a response for the questions I have presented. Now.” Emphatically.

“You know. I may have misspoken a bit. You’re right. You have done a lot to this country, Madame Vice President. And, you have a secret service detail who spend a good deal of time with you and likely would want to pay you back. I may have been wrong. It’s possible if you took up golf, your detail would move the ball for you.”

I smiled. I won.

And then he continued, “it’s likely, Madame VP, and my best guess after this discussion — is that you would drive the ball perfectly in the middle of the fairway — and when you drove up to your ball, you would most likely find it buried in the bunker.”

He smirks. Gotta admit… I didn’t like that. I know it’s hard to get good help these days, but…

We good? No. No good. No good at all.

Admittedly, I’m not a brain surgeon.

But I truly can’t figure out why Pence refused to endorse Trump.

He’s a conservative Christian. He is pro-life. He has very strong beliefs, goes to church… he’s a gazillion miles away from me on guns — even to the RIGHT of Trump on gun issues.

Hmm. He is a champion of tax cuts — he cut taxes as a governor, has supported tax cuts as a method for growth — this year he started his own $10 million campaign JUST to preserve the Trump-era tax cuts that are set to expire next year when I win and let those expire. And then also raise tax on everyone.

He won’t buy into the 1200 genders or the stuff I love like the requirement to have DEI in all parts of government which is probably a waste of countless millions but does teach important things like asking an Asian colleague for help with a math problem could be racist and that men can become pregnant.

I just don’t get it. I debated him. I don’t like him. He’s calm, cool, smart — but strange. When we refer to Republicans as weird — he’s like the poster child of weird. He won’t go to dinner without his wife. Like old-fashioned weird.

But. He seemed like a guy of convictions. His values seemed to mean something to him. He was rigid in his beliefs. Mine —- change with the wind. I’m against fracking, I’m for fracking… I won’t take away your guns, I want to ban guns. I put people in jail and kept them there long after they should have been there for just possessing a little weed… and then publicly laughed/cackled/bragged about my own weed use. What do my handlers want me to say?? — I say it. I’m for giving illegal immigrants free health care, sex changes, abortions, phones, food, housing — whatever they want. And taking more tax from Americans to pay for that… Regardless of whether I said the opposite yesterday.

This is a binary race. Trump vs. me. Trump may have scorned him, or maybe tried to have him killed — I’m not sure — but his platform is Pence’s. And when you have a choice… do you vote for the person that shares your platform, your vision of America? Apparently not in his case.

When I have something that’s bothering me sometimes I ask questions aloud — not to anyone, just to myself, as I puzzle it over and over in my mind. It can help. But with all the secret service around me — it can get confusing like I’m actually asking them a question…like this morning:

“Why would Pence do that?”

“Why would he do what, Madame Vice President?”

“Oh nothing, I was just asking myself something aloud” and then, as if reflexes took over I said, “Why would former Vice President Pence say he cannot endorse Trump when my policies are so very opposed to his personal core values?”

“Ego over country, Madame Vice President.”

I glared at him — what did he just say!? And he coughed a bit and said, “He’s making the obvious choice, Comrade Harris.” Another glare from me, and then another cough from the obvious idiot. “I mean, surely nothing to do with ego, Madame Vice President.” And he coughed a few times again, and I swear under that cough was “Fuck Pence.”

Fuck it, some puzzles you just can’t figure out; they just have no answer.

We good.

Some guy tried to kill Trump again. Ryan someone. From out of the US this time — a country called Hawaii.

My staff said it’s interesting that even though the guy’s a Democrat, his linked in page said, “Work has never been about money rather building frameworks for people to thrive and succeed.” To me that sounds more like Trump’s platform. He donated all his salary while in office, and helped families in every class thrive. But, who’s counting?

And… and here’s the kicker.

This Ryan guy went to Ukraine to fight for Ukraine in the war against Russia. So, just boggling to me — my administration basically allowed the war to start in first place, provoked, and even forced a continuation of the war when there were plenty of chances for peace — why would he would want to kill Trump who will likely bring peace to that region? Unless, like the rest of us, he has money at stake by continued death there? Just a thought. Or he’s just dumb, like most voters? More likely.

It’s weird times. It’s almost as if the more times we call him a threat to democracy and liken him to Hitler, the more people are trying to kill him. Very strange.

Is Trump a threat to democracy? Nah. But the scary rhetoric is working. And we are going to keep it up. And if more bullets fly in his direction, that helps us — we can use that in our favor to strip away the 2nd amendment! So much fun to be had.

Oh.. and now. Pence. Trump must be uttering “Et tu, Brute?” as he walks around Mar-a-Lago.

We good.

4 days ago, debating, I said emphatically “I will not take away your guns!”

The media fact checks and writes, “Kamala is telling the truth about everything and, in fact, has never lied in her life and will not take away guns.“

Today, we post on my Twitter account “We must ban all Assault Weapons!”

Sounds great like … no one really thinks semi-automatic guns walking into children’s schools is a good thing. It’s a winning post.

The ugly hidden fact though is that the definition of assault weapon is fluid (like gender) and can basically mean any gun of any kind depending on the definition.

Of course I want to take away people’s guns. Except for mine, Tim’s, my secret service, and anyone pointing a gun at any political opponent. Those people need guns.

Look. I have the media. I say clearly I want to increase tax on everyone, take away their guns, make major infringements on free speech, and take children away from their parents if the parents use anything other than their preferred pronouns.

Trump/Vance/RFK Jr say they will end wars, make children healthy, and make the country prosper. Oh, and get Elon to stop government waste.

And all the media — they all repeat that there is only one choice for President: me.

We good.

Today is today. And yesterday was today yesterday. Tomorrow will be today tomorrow. And Trump claims Haitians are eating pets in Springfield, Ohio.

The police in Springfield say that is not happening at all in Springfield. But it probably is happening a few miles away in Canton and Columbus.

Trump crazy. None of his “conspiracy theories” have ever become “facts” later. I mean, I can think of a few, maybe a dozen or more that were called crazy conspiracy theories but ended up to be true, and maybe a few that were called Russian fake disinformation and then were true. And some that we — the government, the mainstream media, the CIA, the FBI — we all knew were true but obviously were too true to let the public know they were true so we claimed they were false. Loudly. So….

I just don’t know why everyone is upset over migrants. Or illegal immigrants. Or people in the country that broke laws to get here, jumping the line that potential legal immigrants are in. Just because my administration let in probably 21 million of them, many flown in from other countries — given money, food, places to stay, and cell phones, free legal assistance and healthcare… that’s no big deal. Our country was built by immigrants. Didn’t every single immigrant in the history of the US have the red carpet rolled out for them and US tax dollars handed to them on day one? Money that was hard-earned and taken from people legally in the USA — teachers, single mothers, plumbers, nurses, store clerks… and given to random people we don’t know from other countries — instead of veterans, instead of schools, instead of fixing roads or our own social problems including homelessness and crime.

And drugs. And sex trafficking. And actually close to around a half a million kids “missing” from the system — came over border unaccompanied or “with sponsors” and now we have no idea where they are.

I don’t understand what is the big deal about the border!? And now that Trump is spouting craziness like some of them eating pets? We can sit back and eat popcorn and let everyone call him nuts while we just keep funding these border crossings.

Don’t concentrate on the approximate 1 in 5 hotel room in NYC that is now occupied by undocumented immigrants (paid for by tax dollars from US citizens) … don’t worry about the weapon of mass destruction— fentanyl— coming across the border in record amounts killing our youth…. Don’t worry that is was recently reported that migrant crime has skyrocket in past three years — debunking the theory that migrants “commit less crimes than US born people” — better keep that under wraps.

Trump says they are eating pets. So we can laugh and say “he cray cray” and drink some wine and go to bed, knowing the election is in the bag.

As long as the people stay uniformed, or “look at the shiny object (Trump and his craziness) — but not at the problem and who caused it” .. then we good.

We good.

Somber day yesterday … 9/11 — the day “some people did something” — as our good friend Ilhan Omar from Walz’s state famously described it.

My brain was so full of things to say at the debate I couldn’t really say anything yesterday at all. My brain just didn’t work. Like the SpongeBob episode where he learns so much about French food to be a classy French waiter that he forgets his own name — that’s how I was yesterday.

No one noticed, as it was more of a day for photo ops… sure, I had to shake Trump’s hand, and even smile as Biden wore a MAGA hat for some period of the day… like “we all are one on this day.” And… yeah… pretend like I cared for the people and the country. Not as easy as it looks!

Now — back to politics. Fuck Trump. I’m now favored in Vegas. And now that another rich elite Hollywood/singer/songwriter has told everyone how to vote… we probably have it in the bag. Except that Taylor’s post told people to do their own research. That could pose a problem.

We were “bleeding young people” but that has stopped. We would be “bleeding people with brains” if they “do their research” as Swift suggests and take a long hard look at my plans. But, that’s probably not going to happen….

Everyone too busy looking at my slick hair and beautiful fucking smile. We good.

More like a 3 on one at the debate. Reminds me of the old days back in San Francisco — but I digress. I’m writing about the moderators and me all on one side and Trumpy on the other. 3 on 1.

And I had my Hollywood lines prepared. And all positivity and no plans. But still, glowing makeup — slick hair — that’s all that matters. People can vote for me and see what the plan is.

Trump, on the other hand… he said, “We’re a fading nation . . . in serious decline…laughed at all over the world. We’re not a leader . . . We’re going to end up in a third world war” —- maybe true, our administration is laughed at and wars… well, they are good for our side deals — but Trump — so full of negativity. The people won’t have it.

I have no plan for peace or for Israel. But great plans for America — sure, the people will own nothing and lose most of their freedoms, not be able to afford much, but I’ll make sure they can get abortions!!! We good.

Oh yes, and Taylor finally told everyone how to vote. We have been waiting for this. Trump may have the truth — but I have the Swifties.

You can make me a drink —- ONE, TWO, THREE! LET’S GO BITCH”

Status meeting today. Still “bleeding young voters” and now they are concerned about the “Black” vote, mostly in Georgia and Pennsylvania — two states which could make a difference in the — will I be in White House or on a cooking show come November? — race.

Hillary tried to seem hip and appeal to young voters by using a Pokemon Go reference in her speeches. At the time, young people were overwhelmingly playing some Pokemon Go game on their phones — and, to appeal to these voters, Hillary famously said, “Pokemon go to the Polls.” Which made no sense but I guess she tried. It obviously didn’t work, but she tried.

Now these young ones are playing Marvel Snap on their phones. 22 million downloads. Most in the voting demographic, 18 plus. There is some character called Wiccan and apparently “I brat” is out (old news) and a “I Just Wiccan’t” is trending. I’m quite confused, but at some point people used to say, “I just can’t” so if I somehow can fit “I just Wiccan’t” into the debate — when Trump says something — then it is possible these Marvel Snap voters would think I’m cool and vote for me.

Probably won’t help with the black vote. The seriousness of this issue is obvious in the furrowed brows of the staff. I’m far behind where Obama, Clinton, and Biden were in percentage of black votes that are likely to vote for me. In states like Georgia and Pennsylvania this could be the difference.

Of course, I’m trying — with my weird southern accent finding its way into normal speech and talking about how I make collard greens (in my bathtub) so hopefully some of that will pay off with the black demographic. Probably not — staff says I need to keep spouting “Trump is racist” as many times as I can in the debate — that’s a winner they claim.

I just Wiccan’t. I guess if it doesn’t help with the young voters, it could get me the vote of the witches… That could help.

Back to the podium! Debate is tonight!! Ugh.

For the third day in a row the “status” meeting included complaints that we are “bleeding” young voters and high fives that both Cheneys have endorsed me.

Neither seem that interesting to me. Fuck the kids and no shit about the Cheneys.

I’m not good at math, but it seems like I would be the obvious choice for the Cheneys. A Trump presidency could bring more stability and peace through strength. Our administration has allowed the new beginnings of the “forever wars” of the past, like Dick “the Dick” Cheney had in his White House days…

Cheney’s war profiteering over the years is obvious. Cheney gained $$ through war — with stock options and an extra $1 million a year from Halliburton while he served as vice president. The largest corporation by far to profit from the Middle East instability during the Bush/Cheney admin was KBR, a subsidiary of the Halliburton corporation, of which the Dick had been the CEO before entering the White House. In the first year of the Iraq War alone, then-President Bush and Vice President the Dick Cheney handed over $39.5 billion over 10 years in noncompetitive contracts to KBR.

Follow the money. We should make some new campaign signs, “Warmongers for Harris” — that would be pretty good I think.

Back to the podium. Debate is tomorrow!