2020 — the infamous comb that took Amy Klobuchar down… she got caught eating a salad with a plastic comb. And then she was eviscerated and left the race. It didn’t help that she had a very annoying voice…. but really, it was the comb, everyone knows that. You cannot have the leader of the free world known for eating with combs. It’s something you just can’t get out of your thoughts when you look at her— to this day.
But me? I’m the darling of the press. Literally… unable to do anything wrong in their eyes. I’m the best thing that’s come around since sliced bread.
Take the recent revelation that I used to wash my greens in the bathtub. I said I made so many greens for a party that I had to use my bathtub to wash them. I said that myself. At an event. The media was there.
Ok so maybe to 99.9 percent of the world— that’s a disqualifying incident — like very weird. Like strapping your dog to the roof of your car. Or eating salad with a comb. You don’t eat with a comb and you don’t wash food in the same place you’re standing to take a shower. The place you wash your body. No. People apparently don’t do that — my staff told me it’s just weird.
And what is reported by the media….Well, that I’m a culinary genius. Bacon and Tabasco in her greens! What other secrets can this amazing chef teach us? Some food and wine magazine just named me “chef of the decade” and Netflix offered me a big payout for a cooking show if I’m not busy after November 5.
My “Cooking with Kamala” YouTube channel has gotten like a gazilion billion views in last few days. I’m thinking about taking some time off of this debate practice to film a new video where I make spaghetti and meatballs for the staff.
I’ll just clean out this cat litter box here and use it for the serving dish. That’s not weird.
Still working on a diary “sign off” — how about … does Tim Walz really think it’s ok to be a “military impersonator”? Nah, that one just doesn’t seem right either. Will have to keep searching for something now that “I brat” is off the table.
For now … Back to the podium!