Month: September 2024

So.

How many times have I complained about this fucking X that Elon has? And still nothing can be done about shutting down that shit?

They wake me up way too early to travel. And on the plane we have a bit of an impromptu status update. Apparently RFK Jr. held a rally on the Washington mall yesterday called “Rescue the Republic” with quite a diverse crowd and diverse line-up of speakers. My staff is basically giddy because the Wall Street Journal has finally fallen in line and wrote an article calling the event “weird” and all the speakers “weird” and the crowd “weird”. And, in general, just a great job by the main stream media denigrating the group, their thoughts and dreams, their science, their little “resistance” movement. There were a few other articles shoved in my face with quotes like “the tens of hundreds that came to see the weird event” and some other dismissive stuff. And, they were giddy on the lack of coverage by most news outlets on the event in general.

So, I ask about X and Musk.

And there was a long pause, like super long. I’ve kinda gotten used to this — the longer the pause, the worse the news will be after.

We have deemed Musk to be Public Enemy number 2. Trump is chiseled in granite as Public Enemy number 1. But, Musk. He’s just, at this point, really fucking bad.

So they tell me the smut.

He allowed a live stream, then picked specific very powerful moments of the rally —- all against me, against big pharma, against my dream of complete government control — to post on his own account. And the hashtag #rescuetherepublic is now trending. Also #jointheresistance…

The tall staffer pointed out that this is just another “Tea Party” and probably won’t get traction. The “Tea Party” did get traction, but that was basically some rag tag moms and random people. This new movement is led by RFK Jr., and propped up by the person who has the biggest reach to voters of anyone.

Yes, bigger than Taylor Swift, says one staffer who looks like they might faint.

She goes on further.

“Elon. Public Enemy number 2. Even as he tries to lift up the world, save free speech…. Even as his business ventures have sparked a renaissance in space exploration, a rise in the sales of electric vehicles and renewable energy, even if he has ignited a broader discourse on humanity…” she trailed off, seemingly mad at herself for saying anything nice about him at all. In a huff.. she just walked to the back of the plane and slammed the door to the bathroom.

We good, right?

No cap, this sucks. Cool…I learned a new word. Or two words, whatever. “No cap” means I ain’t playing or I ain’t lying. No cap, this sucks means, I’m not lying — this actually sucks.

Who goes to Vegas to do a dumb rally? Vegas is for gambling, getting shit-faced drunk and partying all night. What happens in Vegas… stays in Vegas. I wish that was how San Francisco worked also so I could stop answering all those questions about my affair with Willie Brown and if that’s the reason I got my first government positions…

No. This trip is not at all fun. Outside the convention hall there were protestors with signs like “No More Kamalanomics” and “Stop Kamunism” and, even worse, “Just Say No to the Kommie Ho” …oh and a few others — just simple ones like — “She Sucks – Literally – ask Willie” and “MAGA” and “MAHA” and “I’m with Kamala — Just Kidding, I’m not Stupid”…

Damn. And the “status meeting” today was basically about what NOT to say and questions NOT to answer no matter what.

First and foremost— do not talk about the crazy increase in crime in Nevada — potentially due to a mix of inflation and the influx of illegal immigrants in the state — both linked easily to me. As they explained it — it’s easy to say crime is down across the country because we just don’t include the crime in NY, for example, the largest population in the country. Or we tweak the numbers in other ways. So, we basically lie. And the media says the Republicans are crazy to point out the flaws in our numbers — and that they are racist — so it’s fine. And people would have to do way too much digging into our numbers to understand. But … here in Nevada… they report their crimes. And the numbers are bad. Depending on how you slice it, it’s either the most unsafe to the 5th most unsafe state. In 2023, car thefts rose by 36 percent.

Oh shit. Gotta go schmooze the crowd and go on stage soon. I’ll have time to write more later.

I’ll just go out and read the teleprompter and maybe throw in a few honorable mentions to the women who made history throughout history.

We good. I hope.

Ok. Take that haters! I went to border yesterday. Kind of a bad day to go… but I fucking went! Take that. I’m very proud of myself.

But, yeah it was a bad day to go… Turned out to be the SAME day our fucking brilliant government released these numbers:

Of the 7 million migrants (yes, seven million was the actual number, that’s not a typo) that ICE caught and released while their cases are being processed (these are OUR numbers — of the illegal immigrants we KNOW about, the ones that WE PROCESSED and WE LET IN to go WHEREVER they want in the USA) —- 663,000 have criminal histories, 13,000 were convicted of homicide, 16,000 of sexual assault, and 1,845 face homicide charges. We have no idea about the millions of so called “got aways” which could be, percentage wise, chocked full of criminals and people who want to do America and Americans harm, allegedly. (According to my own administration, if you can trust that…)

Sometimes my mind wanders to conspiracy theories. I mean most are from complete nut jobs. And even the ones that are “true” — we do a pretty good job of just claiming them to be false or lumping them in with the crazy ones — and completely discounting them.

Like that “conspiracy theory” that Trump keeps bringing up (and we just keep calling him racist for it) — the claim that we are letting in “criminals, murderers, and rapists.”

Shit, that looks like it turned out to be true. Fuck. And our administration released the numbers…. What a crazy coincidence… I’m at the border, and they release the numbers… almost as if some people in the government aren’t happy about what we are doing? Letting people in intentionally to destroy the country from within? What a crazy conspiracy theory. Fucking nut job.

Most of the media will still report glowingly on my visit and what a great job I will do securing the border ONCE I am elected. They would never report on the shitty job we did the past four years —- most won’t even report on these numbers released. The voters are oblivious.

We are a campaign ticket full of joy!! I’m Kamala fucking Harris, wearing a tan blazer with black pants and a cream shirt and my pronouns are she her.

We good. I think.

Freedom. Is anything really free? Free used to be my favorite four letter word.

But now? The really pesky freedom — freedom of speech — it’s just gotta go. And maybe also … freedom of the press?? I mean, most of the press has fallen in line… but there are still a few who have intellectual curiosity and the will to report facts instead of calling Trump the devil like they should…!!!

I hate when people have conspiracy theories and then they find out later that they are true and not conspiracy theories at all. (Like 1/2 the shit Trump says)

For example, our good pal, Soros. It has been said, time and again something to the effect of:

“Americans beware. The Soros network is coming after your free speech just in time for the U.S. elections — again.”

Oh so scary. And also so crazy. What will these conspiracy theorists come up with next?

Status meeting today.

Tampon Tim was hanging out with Alex Soros. And there is a picture of Tim actually bowing down to him. Not a great look. And our administration allowed Soros to buy over 200 radio stations. And, some reports claim Soros, our ultra liberal billionaire friend has spent $80 million to ‘silence’ Americans, and plans to continue to do this.

And then the rest of the meeting sounded like blah blah blah. I did a good job pretending to listen. But inside my head I was making that noise…. “Bwahahaha”

We good.

I just got the “Pants on Fire” award (again) from some pesky media outlet.

So…. Here’s the deal. I was with Oprah, touting my great economic plans… and I said UPenn Wharton School of Business found my economic plan to be positive. And way better than Trumpys. And … here… is ….the … kicker … some media outlets, instead of glorifying every single word I said (like they should), actually checked up on that.

And found that I lied.

What’s the big deal? What did they expect? My lips were moving.

What does Wharton actually think of my economic plan? Well, when asked by some fucking reporter who, for some reason thought their job is to be fair and accurate (loser —- wtf) … when they asked a representative from Wharton about my plan the response was:

“We did not find a positive impact on the economy from her plan in any future year.”

Come on.

The status meeting today… little update on how other people feel about my plan. Apparently another media outlet polled the CEOs of the major companies and reported that only 17 percent of the CEOs thought my plan was better than Trump’s plan. And only around 35 percent of voters think I would leave them better off at end of my Presidency.

What’s that old saying? You can fool 35 percent of the population some of the time but not all of the time?

The press really should be doing a better job at promoting me and my plan. I’m not a brain surgeon but I know the media is a propaganda machine… and they need to do their jobs better!

Just a side note. I’d love to look at banning Elon’s X and Fox News (and any other outlet that questions me) — wonder how easy that would be when I’m on the throne(?). I mean, when I’m President. There’s no throne. But, maybe we add one. Kinda jazz it up a bit.

We good. I think.

Jesus Christ on a popsicle. They won’t let me go out for interviews, but they let the Crypt Keeper Joe out?

He goes on The View and makes a fool of himself and then —- ties me to the Biden policies!! I’m trying my best to distance myself from the mess he/me have created. Like, “if you give me a chance — I’ll fix everything.” Not “you gave me a chance for past 4 years and I fucked it up, but now on DAY 1 I’ll fix it all.”

My vision for the economy…

To be very frank, I will never apologize for forcing businesses to bow to my will. We must raise corporate taxes. I’ve spent time with CEOs and the engines of Americas economy, and they want to pay more tax. That’s a fact, just ask me.

And going forward, I must be serious and have a plan, not just talking points ending in an exclamation. I’m not sure how to explain but I’m from a middle class family. I’m a middle class kid. We should look holistically and inspirationally for holistic ways to work people to death so they can afford eggs; the successful Bidenomics is doing this.

We good. But, f*ck Joe. His appearance on The View was like an early Christmas present for Trump.

Oh wait. That’s not entirely fair. I did an interview today where I said the American Dream is gone. The staff said that’s not a good look. Like I was in charge of the government when the American Dream died. No no no. Not me. Joe was President. But then he tied us together, that mother f*ucker. But, to be fair, I was at least drinking, so I have an excuse. Biden — he just old and dumb.

Oh well, no one cares.

I’m not Trump. I may be the devil, I may ruin America, I may not give a shit if people can walk down their streets without being mugged — or if they have money to buy gas…. but I’m not Trump. And the media is working overtime to make me look like we want the best for America.

And… Polls are getting closer.

We good?

MAHA – Make America Healthy Again —- is RFK Jr. crazy? Hard to tell.

It’s like he thinks the government and me and Biden and people like Fauci are rubbing our hands together in the dark making noises like supervillains —- bwahahaha or muahahaha—— and thinking of ways to make people sick.

Like we would invest in crazy labs inventing experimental crazy bat viruses or something equally horrific — maybe in foreign countries to perhaps hide our involvement — and then what? Mandate an experimental vaccine no one wants but we force them to take — one that causes all kinds of new medical problems?

What kind of crazy person thinks this would ever happen. In America!?

And … then his concern for the “kids” and “obesity”??

I mean – I think I heard nearly 70 percent of the foods kids eat are ultra processed shit. And adult and childhood obesity has never been higher.

But does JFK Jr think the government is allowing global foes like China and other large businesses that make money off the pharmaceutical industry (that need people to be sick) — to buy up farmland? And that we are investing in highly genetically modifying crops and growing fake meat for people in labs? I mean…

Or overlooking possibly 1000s of additives in our foods — known to cause cancer, brain issues, etc. — much of our food that is banned in Europe for those very reasons…who actually believes that this is happening? Crazy. He’s gotta be crazy. Seriously.

I mentioned these exact thoughts to the staffer that looks like a raccoon and she looked at me with one eyebrow raised. She looked at me for a while. The look on her face bewildered me. Maybe a mix of confusion and what? — what was it? — amusement? Disgust? Hard to tell.

Then … she asked me if I lived under a rock … and if I would like some more wine….

Yes. Fuck, I thought she would never ask… more wine for me. Finally. It’s gotta be five o’clock somewhere.

I think we good.

Status meeting today. They promised me wine.

Apparently, the IRS endorsed me. That adds to a long list of endorsements like Cheney, Putin, Iran, Hamas… really key endorsements.

Of course the IRS had no choice — if Trump gets elected and brings in Elon Musk to be the efficiency guy — 90 to 95 percent of the IRS agents will be cut (and the place will probably be run better).

The current IRS budget is over $12 billion. Average salary for IRS agents is over $70k. By 2029 this will balloon as they plan to add a shit ton of agents and likely increase costs to over $15 billion a year.

Elon. Pesky Elon. What would the IRS agents do if he comes in and cuts all their jobs?

Efficiency expert in Government? That’s gonna hurt.

One of our illustrious staffers said that Thomas Jefferson once proclaimed, “The government which governs best, governs least.”

But, they continued: that’s not how we work anymore. Now it’s like, the government that governs best, well, we just don’t know — government protects government. Spending increases and less gets done. California just spent $24 billion to reduce homelessness and their homeless population skyrocketed.

Why? Because government gave the money to private companies, mostly connected to the government individuals somehow, and realized homelessness was an effective money maker for them. As long as government was budgeting money to help homeless people, and they offered services, they could make more money by not ENDING homelessness but by ensuring it continued. And government workers had their pockets lined. And everyone’s fat and happy. Well, except businesses and taxpayers in CA who are fleeing the state because of homelessness and other crime issues —- hmmm.

I have no idea, they lost my attention at the beginning when I heard that wine would be served and I couldn’t take my eyes off the door thinking when exactly will someone be coming in with it?

And still no wine, what the fuck!

We good? No, we are not. Not until that wine they promised me gets here.

But who’s really counting?

So, I was given control of a $42 billion plan to give internet access to communities that are “underserved.” Rural.

1040 days later. Not one person has been given internet access. 1040 days.

That pesky Elon said he could do it overnight for pennies. Me — if I really wanted to solve the issue — I could have ordered Skylinks for each community and had everyone on the internet in 30 days or less (some in a day or two) for basically a minuscule portion of the budget. That’s what Elon would have done, given the task, apparently.

And Trump wants that guy — Elon Musk — in charge of stopping government waste? I’m not a brain surgeon — but who really cares about government waste? We do it all the time. We are just wasting hard earned money for tax-paying citizens. Who cares?

Hmmm. Maybe a tax payer could care? Oh… but we have them convinced that Trump is a true threat. They’re even trying to shoot the guy almost daily now.

Hopefully no voter starts to connect the dots here. And.. and see that perhaps Trump, Elon, and RFK could have some good points about saving America. I’m not a brain surgeon, but pesky Elon seems to have some good tricks up his sleeve. He’s even got Gavin’s panties in a bunch.

We good? Maybe.

Ok. So the event — the major event with Oprah happened. In Michigan. I think there were a little over 10,000 people watching. Major.

Oprah had many of her friends there or calling in virtually to support. I guess a lot of her friends actually couldn’t make it — I think they are serving time for raping women, and maybe a few paedofiles — but who’s counting?

I thought I did brilliantly.

And, all my staff could do is yell at me after.

They’re all like —- “No unscripted questions — that was the plan!! No word salads!! 11 seconds of talking!! What part of that didn’t you understand Kamala?”

Well…We kinda got off script. I answered a few basic questions. And they claimed it was like the horrendous, horrible ramblings of a brainless idiot. And they further claimed that even Oprah gave me the “what the fuck did you just say????” look.

After a few more pretty unfavorable comments, they replayed their favorite moment for me where I said:

“If somebody breaks into my house, they’re getting shot. I probably should not have said that. My staff will deal with that later.”

And I also cackled.

The staff is so upset. It’s almost as if I ran over their dog in the driveway. I didn’t — I don’t even drive.

And after some more yelling they tell me they absolutely going to deal with it. Best thing for all of us is to ensure I keep my mouth shut going forward. And they will work with media to make sure the reporting of the event is all completely glowing.

They are not happy, but we still have the media, I think. We good? I think. Maybe.

Just hope I don’t have to live in the basement like they made Joe……..