Month: August 2024

I was never in charge of securing the border.

At least that’s what we are getting the media to report.

Of course I was the Border Czar, placed in charge by Sleepy Joe himself and during our administration the reality at the border has fundamentally changed and the statistics really just don’t lie. The media can twist them, maybe. They can work on insulating me from the issue, maybe. But the stunning reality is:

The Border Crisis is the Worst in American History

Ok, so I said it. It’s really fucking horrible.

But, you know, it’s just such a horrible, overwhelming issue the kind of issue that’s just horrible and overwhelming and actually horrible. And it’s an issue. It is overwhelmingly an issue that means it is an issue that’s overall overwhelming.

So, I talk about other things. Nothing good would come out of bringing it up. I mean if I do have to, I could just point my finger at someone else – a Republican, maybe – or just blame Trump (even though he was pretty close to fixing the problems at the border and we just threw all the working policies in the trash).

Speaking of Trump, that reminds me of a joke.

—-

So, this guy walks into a Barnes and Noble and says:

“Do you have that new Trump book about how to immediately deport all illegal aliens?”

The employee behind the counter says to the guy, “Get the fuck out of here and don’t ever come back!”

And the customer says, “Yeah, that’s the one. Do you have it in a paperback?”

—-

Ha ha ha ha ha. I’m not sure why that makes me laugh out loud. LOL as they say! It’s really fucking horrible. Not as bad as the crisis at the border, but who’s counting.

And, I brat.

I’m still waiting for the nickname Trumpy will use for me. Seems like he’s been trying a few out:

Incompetent Kamala (not nice, admittedly sometimes accurate, but also not nice)

Krazy Kamala (is that with a K or a C?)

Kamabla (that might have been more funny if it was Kama-BLAH but who’s counting)

Comrade Kamala

Or Comrade Harris (kind of exciting that he used my last name for once!)

But … the Comrade part I just don’t understand.

I’m a Democrat. Ok? Not a “Communist or Comrade”…Ok!? Well, maybe I’m a basically a Democratic Socialist. Or even maybe the Diet Coke of communism. Like, I’m completely in favor of Medicare for All. And I love the Green New Deal. And…

I guess I do have a pretty radical vision for the country — a vision where we would put the dysfunctional, inefficient, corrupt federal government in charge of virtually every part of the American people’s lives… from health care to the kind of cars they can drive….

Maybe go further and take away everyone’s guns and make some speech illegal and try and jail all our political rivals (more than just Trump!) …. And, enact some job-killing tax hikes… maybe get control of everyone’s bank accounts and specify how many airline flights people can take in a year, how much gas they can use in their homes… maybe electricity too — ration it like they do in CA. We could have government take control of private businesses. And… yes, totally take control of the media — definitely state-run media is the ultimate goal — although we are pretty close on that one already…

Oh, the fun we could have. I’m getting dizzy just thinking about it.

I love daydreaming. We have a future, and as the campaign says,

“We’re not going back!”

As much as people might THINK they want to go BACK to the peace and prosperity under Trump, well, they are just dumb.

And, I brat.

Today Barack called and asked me to stop laughing and also to stop talking about things I know nothing about. Or maybe stop talking altogether.

I managed to fumble out a “Whhhaatt?”

So he answers like this.

Comma. La. (He says it just like that —- he kinda drags out my name) — I’ll give you a recent example. When you tried talking about AI… you said, “AI is kind of a fancy thing — first of all, it’s two letters — it means artificial intelligence.”

So sometimes, a lot of times…. (He continued)… when you open your mouth—- you just seem really, really, really dumb.

So what I say to him — brilliantly—is “Uh, ok Mr. President. Thank you.”

I don’t think he watches much TikTok. What I wanted to tell him is —- I’m a Femininomenon! I brat! I’m supposed to get wacky and say dumb things!

It’s true. I know nothing about most things and stumble around and talk in circles. But what does a President need to know anyway!?

But… I just said thank you. I don’t want to cross him — or I’m sure they will take me out of the race and replace me with, oh, I don’t know. Maybe Michelle.

I brat.

So Trumpy may not be brat, but I gotta admit — he is brilliant at one thing — nicknames.

Who can say Hillary without thinking “Crooked Hillary”? Same is true for Sleepy Joe, Little Marco, Hidin’ Biden, No Energy Jeb, and my personal favorite “Pencil Neck Schiff”.

There are others…. Nervous Nancy, Cryin’ Chuck, Mini Mike (Bloomberg), Shifty Schiff, Pocahontas, Crazy Bernie…. This list goes on.

These nicknames tend to stick, too. Amazingly.

I really didn’t understand this new “Tampon Tim” nickname for my running mate though. Does he look like a tampon a little? I was kinda confused until a staffer explained that Walz infamously prioritized tax payer dollars to be spent on tampons and feminine hygiene products in the public school MALE bathrooms….

…EVEN THOUGH Minnesota education testing numbers are in a rapid decline under Walz and:

• The percentage of Minnesota fourth graders not proficient in reading is about 70 percent
• The number of eighth-graders not proficient in math is also about 70%
• Nearly a third of all Minnesota students are chronically absent

And, Minnesota is in the lowest half of states in teacher salaries. They also have a higher student to teacher average than most states. I can imagine that it might seem to regular Americans that putting money into teachers and educational outcomes would make more sense than on tampons in boys bathrooms.

But, I will work my magic with Venn diagrams to explain the logic of tax dollars spent on tampons rather than teachers for most of the country. And, the media will help too, I’m sure.

I wish I could pick my own nickname. It seems like Trump is leaning towards incompetent Kamala. There are so many better ones he could use. I’ll have to think, but Kick-Ass Kamala has a nice ring to it. Better than “one her knees Kamala” certainly.

I brat.

A “friend” from California just texted me to tell me she’s voting for Trump. (%#+!$&)

Here is the text:

I’m sorry Kamala, but I’m voting for Trump. It’s really actually not about voting for Trump – the person – but I feel strongly that a vote for Trump/Vance is a vote for:
– the First Amendment and freedom of speech
– the Second Amendment and my right to defend my life and my family
– the next Supreme Court Justice(s) to protect the Constitution and the Bill of Rights
– the continued growth of my retirement and a reduction in inflation
– the Police to be respected once again and to ensure Law & Order
– the securing of our borders (I can’t believe we have actually flown close to a half million illegal immigrants into our country on our taxpayers dime!)
– doing away with all of the freebies given to all of the illegals while not looking after the needs of the American citizens and veterans.
– peace progress in the Middle East

and ….

– the return of teaching vital curriculum such as math, history, English and science instead of indoctrination of our children and focus on pronouns

– the protection of women’s sports — I do not want our girls forced to compete unfairly against athletes born as males….

Kamala, I’m sorry but I’m not just voting for one person, I’m voting for the future of my Country. And I want that future in Trump’s hands. Not yours.

Omg.

I can’t believe the nerve on this chick. She must not have watched all the TikToks saying how brat I am!

I brat.

Little tortuous. Full day with Walz.

He’s just a little too folksy. Like folksy, “trust me, I’m a good guy” — then you find out he’s got 11 bodies buried in the back yard … and you’re like “yeah, I can see that.” He was a teacher. So again, like that folksy, I am nice, trust me yet kinda creepy teacher — and then you find out he been making clothes out of people’s skin and you’re like, “yeah, that tracks.”

And that voice…. I had a staffer that sounded like him once. So annoying — then I threw my coffee mug at him and he’s not working for me anymore.

Walz … reminds me a little bit of Tim Caine. Hillary’s pick. Yikes.

He also… well, he looks like an albino clown. Hard to look at for long. Ughhhhhh.

It’s gotta work though. We were good partners once, even if I had no idea who he was. For example, he let Minneapolis burn, then I helped bail out all the arsonists, looters, violent criminals — all of them. Partners.

I have a little bit of buyer’s remorse, though. And, it’s really just been one day with him. But, we tied up those 10 electoral college votes from the predictable blue state. The ones we probably would have gotten even if I shot someone in the street. So….

He’s pretty far left. Little too far left, maybe. Radically left is perhaps best way to put it. He’s like “squad” left. And two squad members have just lost their primaries. Perhaps a more moderate pick would have been better…

If only Shapiro wasn’t Jewish.

Oh well. Let’s brat. 90 days.

Ok. So we got the old white guy, finally.

He’s just a normal average guy. From Nebraska. Governor of a state called Minnesota which borders other states in a place with many states and one is called Minnesota.

His brother died from being hit by a tree, he plays basketball in the evenings in his driveway with his son. Just normal ex-geography teacher from the Midwest.

He gets me the 10 electoral college votes from Minnesota! Yay! So, just have to finagle my way to 270 only 260 more.

The media, they will help. They are already remaking my history. LFG.

I brat.

So let’s try and get this straight. Shapiro says Palestinians are too “war minded” to have a two-state solution. Then he says he wants two-state solution if the Palestinians don’t fuck it up. Then he says he’s a Zionist.

Zionist. Them’s fighting words at the New Democratic Party. Imagine the squad getting ahold of that. No good.

Then he apologizes for his pro-Israel stance. I mean, that’s good —- but I think he was also in the IDF (?) — I have a bunch of papers here that clearly outline his background. Which I don’t want to read. Brain ouch. So which is it?

He hates Netanyahu — but also is called Genocide Josh by the younger group. Would we force Genocide Joe out just to get Genocide Josh? Hell no.

He pressured college campuses to dismantle encampments and take down all the perfectly protected speech signs that said “from the river to the sea” (death to the Jews). I don’t think it’s going to work out. No matter how much back-peddling he’s trying to do now. Apologies for pro-Israel comments… still not enough. And also, he’s little too East Coast Jewish person-ish.

Walz? We need the Midwest. I know, the Midwest is a place in the middle of the US and we like the middle west and its middle ness. And people vote in the middle. And middle people live in the middle. And it’s also west. But just mainly mid, in general.

Oh and I don’t think they like Californians generally, or me generally, so maybe Walz could help the ticket there. They seem to like him for some reason. For the life of me, I can’t figure out why. But…

I brat. Comma La.

Who cares that Doug got the nanny pregnant? No one. Well, she was really a teacher at his kids’ school, but she also babysat. So not officially the nanny, but still not a great look…

But instead of writing about how great I am, or about my VP choice (announcing tomorrow!!) the press seems obsessed about the indiscretions of my husband years and years ago. They should be concerned about Trumpy not Dougy. That’s their JOB — to make Trump look bad. Not me. Not my family. Fuckers.

Back to something about Mayor Pete… really interesting that his husband won a ribbon for cherry PIT spitting! That’s pretty cool. I would like to try that sometime. Pretty much I just spit at my staff. But cherry pits could make it much more fun.

Yes, and back to —— the press writing about the Second Gentleman. So upsetting. Truly. The nerve.

Us liberals have been super successful (with big tech) at pushing many conservative voices out. Banning them from platforms, censoring their posts….threatening them, taking away their livelihoods… etc.

We have raised the cost of speaking freely so high that many conservative voices are keeping their mouths shut to avoid all the hassle and penalties.

Excellent.

But some media outlets still need to fall in line a bit. I’m off limits. My family … off limits. Back the fuck off. I am a once in a generation, once in a galaxy candidate. That’s the message. Period.

So, as I so famously have said.. It is a time for us to do what we have been doing, and that time is every day. Every day, it is time for us to agree that there are things and tools that are available to us.

Shut the fucking media down if they keep going after Doug is what I will do when I use the tools that we agree is a time for with the every day tasks that are here for us every day to have every day.

I brat.

It’s getting a little heated here. Trump says I’m dumb as a rock. How could he possibly think that?

Ok, so I didn’t pass the bar exam when approximately 80% of the people taking it did pass. So, that maybe makes me in bottom 20 percent of that group.

But really how dumb can a rock be? It’s a rock in the community with rocks, maybe we know a rock, maybe the community has rocks and some are actually rocks that are known. Are they dumb, or do they just exist and in reality are existing as rocks? Who really knows at this time?

My team says I need to follow the Biden approach to campaigning – like hide out in the basement. With Biden, the less we all saw of him the better it was for the campaign. That can’t be the same as me? Can it? People love my laugh, I know that!

One staffer even said, “It’s better that people think that you are stupid, than opening your mouth and proving it.” Of course, I then kicked her and told her not to look me directly in the eyes for next six months. We will see if she lasts.

I’m Kamala. I’m in a green t-shirt with a small hole on the side of it, my pronouns are she/her and sometimes I identify as a rock. But who’s counting?