Month: August 2024

Literally. They killed it.

But first, the First Gentleman, Dougie. He talked about me like I was there. Even pointing up at the crowd like, “there she is…” Awkward.

But I wasn’t there.

I was in Milwaukee. One of my staffers explained it’s the home of beer and cheese and high crime. And, top ten of the most dangerous cities in America. It’s also second in list of poorest cities of the largest 50 cities. A pretty bad place to be black, where the lead pipes in the black and poor neighborhoods have one in 10 kids at “dangerous” levels of lead in their bloodstream. And, abysmal education. Only about 15 percent of Milwaukee Public School third- through eighth-graders were rated proficient in English language arts (including reading), and more than half were rated as “below basic,” the lowest category on Wisconsin’s tests.

I’m making a note not to put Milwaukee on the list of “Democratic Successes.”

I could have been in Chicago.

I should have been in Chicago.

But, Obama said, “I got this. Also, can you try to smile like a regular person? Your smile is just weird.” Thanks, Obama.

Michelle came out looking like a James Bond villain, Obama with his usual swagger. I know Michelle hates me, but did I have to be banished to Siberia (Milwaukee) on the big night of the DNC!?

I could have been in Chicago where the leftist protestors are holding up signs like, “Thanos was right — except the Blip should have gotten rid of the Jews.” Not sure what that means but the staffers were in a tizzy over it.

It’s gonna be a hard road. I missed the Obama speech, but tonight I get Walz and Pelosi. Great. In a world where you can work hard and achieve your dreams I wonder if Pelosi’s dream was to look like a crazy old lady. It’s the eyebrows. So everyone else got America’s sweethearts and I get Tampon Tim and Nervous Nancy. Beautiful.

I am in no mood to be brat.

The word of the first night of the convention — “Bittersweet”. If you ask me, a lot more bitter than sweet. Or maybe “Grateful”. But for me, not in the oh, we are so grateful for all Joe’s done — more like grateful the “Big Guy” is on his way out.

A few takeaways:

– Barack says I smile too “big”, “be less scary when you smile” was the only comment he gave me. Thanks, Obama.

– Hillary finally whitened her teeth — if only she took the time to do that 8 years ago — she could have been the first woman President.

– The camera guys REALLY need to be fired. They have my family up on the Jumbotron while my step-daughter is yawning…. she’s young, it was only 8:30pm — everyone wasn’t THAT boring… although, admittedly it was funny when they caught a few people rolling their eyes during the “we love Joe” chant…

– Biden….. oh dear. That’s when the bitter hit full throttle. He yelled, at the top of his lungs, for 75 long, slurry, arduous minutes. All I could hear was, “hey kids, get off my lawn” — like a crotchety old man way past his time— and on the same day the report came out that he had sold access to the Presidency to the tune of something like “ka-Ching”$30 million dollars (?), lining his family’s pockets… bittersweet my fucking ass… (maybe for him, I guess, as the gravy train is coming to an end — the rest of us can’t wait for him to leave)

I did my job. I went to tell him I love him after his speech. And I added the word “honestly” after. “I love you, Joe. Honestly.” Because if I didn’t say honestly, he would think I was lying about it, I’m sure. I do lie a lot; he knows it. So I thought saying “honestly” was a nice touch. As if I was being honest. By the way, why do old people have bad breath?

I might need a little more wine to make this week tolerable.

Ahh, Chicago. The Windy City. Usually beautiful. Yeah, the river can be a bit murky, but still beautiful nonetheless.

If you can avoid the massive tent cities (most were cleared just in time for the convention, thankfully!), the bullets whizzing by, and the massive protestor gatherings — the city is beautiful.

Well, as we came in, I noticed nearly every store on every street had their windows boarded up with plywood. I asked why and was told it was in anticipation that the protestors … almost every single one of them democrats … that the protestors would be there to break windows, cause havoc (and loot, if possible) the stores. Well, the ones that stayed after we let the riots occur…. The staffer said Walmart closed half its stores, and countless stores just went out of business altogether. Retail vacancies hit an all time high in the Chicago Loop in 2024 after increased crime and lack of support for business in general in Chicago had most of them leave, close, or send employees to work from home “where they might be safer” — but… the remaining businesses — they have become experts at plyboarding their windows.

I thought the right wing was concluded to be the gravest terror threat to the US!? Why is it that the leftest protestors scare the businesses? That’s a conundrum. A conundrum is a big word people use when their brain is trying to figure out something and the conundrum is they can’t. God Bless America. Another conundrum is making people show photo IDs to get into the convention but not to vote — but who’s counting? We need to know who’s coming into the convention. Getting IDs to ensure the correct people are voting? That is just ludicrous.

And God Bless democrats for helping at least one kind of business— the ones that sell plywood.

And, I brat.

Chicago. One of America’s greatest cities. Home of big steaks, Chicago dogs, deep-dish pizza, great blues music, the Cubbies, corrupt Democratic politicians…. Good stuff.

And what else? Crime.

Violent crimes in Chicago grew to its highest level in a decade last year, jumping 11 percent. Robbery and vehicle theft both rose by over 30%; carjackings are more than double pre-pandemic levels. Overall, there are concerning spikes in robberies and assaults — and only about 10 percent of crimes resulting in an arrest.

There is a website called www.Heyjackass.com that reports on shootings in Chicago. To date this year, 1985 people have been shot, 340 of those people died from their wounds. I’m not great at math, but the site says that’s a person shot every 2 hours and 48 minutes.

At that rate, we should give Chicago the new name of North Columbia. Or Little Bogota. Or “Democrats Can Fuck up a Great Cityville” although that last one is just funny and not at all flattering.

Nearly 3 in 4 Chicago voters want more police officers, but who cares what the people want!? Generally not me; I know what’s best. We need reimagined police, right?!

Oh, yeah, also black folks — I’m black so this should concern me — black Chicagoans represent 77% of the city’s homicide victims while making up just 29% of the overall population. Ugh. Even I can see that math is not great.

But how about education? According to a study from UChicago’s Consortium, damn that’s a weird word, Chicago’s public schools are a disaster — half of the district’s high schools ranked in the bottom 1 percent nationwide; nearly half of the students dropped out before graduating.

I think there is a shortage of teachers, a shortage of money, a shortage of classrooms — and maybe politicians who love to spend money on wasteful shit. Yeah and over $400 million in past two years on housing for “migrants” or on companies that said they were helping migrants… something like that.

What was the point of this diary entry? I get lost sometimes in my own ramblings. Oh yeah, Chicago. It’s a great city. Can’t wait to get to the DNC.

Fingers crossed that they will let me talk! Where did that fucking staffer put my water bottle full of wine anyway?

The Democratic National Convention starts tomorrow.

Ok, so, predictably the Democratic leaders are not letting the pro-Israel groups protest in Chicago. I get it — freedom of speech is great until someone wants to be pro-Israel — or conservative… or a parent… or… well, freedom of speech is great if I agree with it.

Generally, I have spoken out in favor of the pro-Hamas/anti-Israel protests. But now, I’m a little concerned.

Chicago seems to be transformed into a hotbed of pro-Hamas/Gaza voices.

And, now… supposedly 100,000 are going to show up and protest. At the DNC! Wtf. Why aren’t they stopping this? I don’t think we need the distraction.

And, smart voters know that this is not a spontaneous expression of freedom of speech — the people organizing the march and protests are mostly NGOs with deep ties to extremist programs and links to known terrorist networks. These NGOs have received millions of dollars in funding, yet generally push an agenda that is actively contributing to antisemitism and hate in the United States. Their actions have serious implications for Jewish-American communities and pose a significant threat to American society and national security.

A prime example is an arm of the Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine (PFLP), a designated terrorist organization in the U.S., and has been banned by Germany, France, and Israel. They actively advocate for armed resistance against Israel, and have publicly praised the Oct. 7 attacks

Chicago will be allowing distribution of propaganda that celebrates violence against Jews and Israelis.

Generally, this would be ok – but not during

MY WEEK!

Again, wtf. Well, it is just the smart voters that know all this. So, probably we will be fine. And, the media will likely make these guys out to be saints or something close to that.

We good.

Holy fuck. Ok. So. Often the secret service comes up with nicknames they call everyone on the radio/coms.

For example, Ronald Reagan was Rawhide and Clinton was Eagle. Barack – Renegade. Trump – Mogul. Jill Biden – Capri.

One word code names. All very cool. And then I find out mine. Ugly Bear Harris!?

First of all, it’s supposed to be one word. Secondly, it’s supposed to be semi-flattering, easy to say, and meaningful for the person.

Apparently, however, there was a wrestler named James Arthur Harris that went by Kamala in the ring. He also went by Bad News Harris, The Mississippi Mauler, Giant Kamala, and Ugly Bear Harris.

Giant would have been a great one for me, and I think it was floated a bit by the White House. But some idiot got ahold of Ugly Bear Harris and it stuck.

So those mother fuckers who also somehow let Trump walk away in Pennsylvania are using Ugly Bear Harris on the coms.

I gotta get that changed to Giant. Or anything else.

Could be Comrade.

I definitely brat, fuckers.

I made a plan to write in this diary every day. But without being able to write down the cackle, the stuff I have to say is pretty boring.

Hugging Biden and saying a bunch of nice things about him also took the life out of me yesterday. Good riddance crypt keeper!

Although this is the only place I really get to talk contemporaneously, I was still just too blahhh to write yesterday. And, at this point, if it’s not written on a teleprompter, it can’t come out of my mouth. Thanks, Obama.

And, at this point, I am losing the bratness I was counting on to keep the kids interested. Fuck ‘em. I can read polls, I’m killing it. Well, Killary was at this point, too. But who’s counting.

I brat? Kinda. Come on, media, I’m counting on you to keep propping me up!

Someone left an anonymous joke in my folder today.

It read:

What’s the difference between Joe Biden and Kamala Harris? Joe leads with charm, Kamala leads with “Harris-ment.”

Wtf. I think they are possibly trying to insinuate that I harass the staff. Just to be clear, I can be a little bitchy at times. But I don’t think kicking them, spitting cherry pits at them, screaming obscenities, and asking them to never look me in the eyes really constitutes harassment.

We are like family. Maybe a dysfunctional communist type of family, but still family. My actions show them I’m in charge. And if they don’t like it, I just say, “don’t let the doorknob hit you on the ass on your way out.” That seems to work.

Also that’s a shitty joke.

And. I brat.

Ok, so kind of a slow day. I mean, all of them have been kind of easy —- go somewhere, smile, wave …DO NOT talk to or answer questions from the media. I have been instructed to NOT go “off script” under any circumstance.

But today… just too much celebrating last night as the demon (or angels!) hackers caused all sorts of problems for Elon Musk and Trump interview.

So, I celebrated another win. Some pretty serious wine drinking last night!

I think I heard once that a hang over is just your body telling you that you’re an idiot.

My head hurts. Wait, does that mean I was an idiot for drinking too much last night, or just an idiot in general? Hmm. That’s quite a riddle. Let’s see, my staff won’t let me talk. Barack won’t let me talk. Makes me wonder.

I’ll have to think about it later…my head hurts, I’m dizzy, and that staffer putting out my tweets or x posts changed my profile picture to one that makes me look like I’m staring into space with a pretty dumb smile like I’m a complete fucking clueless airhead. I need to save up the energy to swear at her, maybe throw a few things at her… just another day on the brat campaign trail.

I am really having fun trolling Trumpy about my crowd sizes. I mean — we are getting pretty good turn outs at the rallies and airport hanger stops — and a few of the dumb bastards even show up without being paid!!

Oh. Michigan. I love that place. I got to try one of their favorite pastimes — cherry pit spitting. So fun. I lined up my staff and spit cherry pits at them. Best thing I’ve done on the campaign trail so far.

I think the staff had fun, too. I let them look at me while I spit at them so I think they enjoyed that novelty. And only one of them quit, which I believe is kind of a slow day for resignations amongst my staff. So all good, and since it’s a swing state — I’ll be back and we can do it again! Yay.

Oh yeah I brat baby.