Month: August 2024

I’m Kamala Fucking Harris, also known as Momala, Comrade Commala — whatever. What matters is — I’m a Kamalanomenon.

One hell of a phenomenon— taking America by storm. Mostly because I’m not the old guy; our party isn’t led by the crypt keeper sleepy Joe now. We finally have a nominee that can walk up stairs and finish sentences (sometimes), and… well, basically a candidate that is alive.

How long will the phenomenon last? Hard to tell. Right now, they figure if I can hide out until November — of course a few rallys here and there and I MIGHT have to do the debate (might not… they said … we’ll see, they said) — but the less time in front of cameras is better — and then maybe I can ride this enthusiasm wave all the way to the election.

With 65 days to go, the staff seems very very very concerned…

What’s worrying everyone? I’m a literal Kamalanomenon.

Well….

The American voter’s top three priorities are:

1. The economy and prices

2. The immigration “crisis”

3. Safety/Rising Crime

My big campaign priorities are:

1. Promising to protect women by allowing them to kill their unborn babies up until the minute before birth and

2. Allowing anyone to come across the border as I have for past years while I was in office — criminals, human traffickers— whoever wants to come in, let them come

And

3. Protecting the world from the existential threat of the “climate crisis” even if it jeopardizes people’s freedom, costs them more, requires higher taxes, takes away basic needs, travel, work, jobs, etc.

So… my priorities are slightly different but still awesome. People love me, my smile, my laugh, my whole vibe.

And when it comes time to actually vote?

Well, the polls do show that they trust Trump to manage the economy and the border and crime more than they trust me to.

And while I was up in all the polls and even with the Vegas bookmakers, this is starting to slide a bit. The Vegas bookies — they now believe we both have a 49.1% chance of winning the election.

So…. 65 days to go. Could it be a nail biter?

Just remember — I’m a Kamalanomenon, and I can keep hiding from the press, and wait this thing out. The media, Hollywood, the liberal elites —- they all have my back. We good. Right?

We had that lengthy interview and seven minutes of it were heaven. Well, if you don’t ever look at Walz. Yuck.

They ended up airing 17 1/2 minutes, but really they should have stuck to the good 7.

I only mispronounced Dana’s name three times during the interview. They kept one in the edited version, maybe to make me look a little more human.

It’s “Dan a” — not Dane a. Like it’s Comma La not Ka Mala.

When people mispronounce my name, we call them rude — obviously they are intentionally dehumanizing me — we even make up stuff about them and persecute them and sometimes playfully call them Hitler.

When I mispronounce people’s names it is cute and endearing. There’s no double standard with anything. It’s just facts. Facts all the time.

Like the “facts” I said in the interview. Inflation is down. Fact. When we took office it was 1.2% and now it’s 3.2% so it’s not down. But as long as I say it, and get the media to report that, we good.

Same with crime. I say it’s down. Most people know it’s actually up. But cities no longer have to report crimes, and we changed the rules so most shoplifting isn’t even a reportable crime anymore anyway. So while crime is way way way way way worse, we just say it’s better and that is the fact. We really should teach a class called “Liberal Math: How to Distort the Numbers and Make People Believe Them.” Basically, you make up numbers, repeat them a lot, and get the media to regurgitate it. I’m pretty sure Gavin Newsome has his Doctorate in Fake Liberal Math. But he sounds so so good. I need to work a bit on my delivery, I guess. One of the staffers said I seemed a little petrified and tired. I tried little Gen Z fucker.

Anyway, I think the highlight was my answer to fracking. I said, “When we invest in clean energy and electric vehicles and reduce population, more of our children can breathe clean air and drink clean water.” Reduce population? I didn’t mean that… I was supposed to say pollution. Freudian slip, they might say. But really, I’m pretty sure I just misspoke and was supposed to say pollution. Reducing population — that’s well, a conspiracy theory — that many “leaders” like me want to control population, or reduce it by spreading disease, by forcing unsafe vaccines, endless wars and by… well, the things. Most conspiracy theories are just theories though.

I’m taking a day off. I deserve it. I’m mean — one interview and a short bus tour with Walz was more than this future leader of the world could manage. It is a rest day or maybe a few… that would be nice.

Mai Tai me…

So the state of Peachiness, Georgia, hasn’t been all peachy. We did get bands, BBQ, and brews (thank god for the brews) and FINALLY Tim Walz left to go to NC, narrowly escaping from me stabbing him. But we also had too much time together confined on the torture bus and a lot of ass-kissing to try and gain votes in a predominantly red state we want to turn blue again… and also …the interview.

The interview. It had its few good moments, its mostly awkward moments, and then the pretty awful moments. My staff told me it would be fine after editing. “The magic of editing will make you look better”…and … “Don’t worry, the American people will not see the many times you gave pretty dumb awkward answers, Kamala.” I tried, fuckers.

By the way, they told me the Presidential ballot in Georgia will have these choices, in this order:

• Donald J. Trump 
• Kamala Harris 
• Chase Oliver 
• Jill Stein 
• Claudia De la Cruz 
• Cornel West 

Why did Trump get listed first? Because Kemp, a Republican, is the Governor. That’s not fair.

I don’t think we tried hard enough to get Trump removed from every ballot. Why should the people get to decide who they vote for? They sometimes need to be told what’s good for them.

I’m making a note to change the rules going forward. People just have too many choices. Look at the other world leaders like China and Russia. China’s opposition party lasted a day and the founder went to jail for like 8 years. Russia — well, any opposition to Putin that is still alive is probably in a Siberian prison doing hard time.

Sounds rather nice. Much better than going head to head in debates, having to do bus tours and interviews, and kissing the asses of these Georgians and the rest of the world.

Damn right. Oh — and Cornel and Claudia — they both clueless. They should get their socialist followers to vote for the leading socialist in the race — me. If I see them I’ll be sure and hold my finger and thumb in a shape of an L on my forehead — just for fun.

I still brat.

I have been in the bus only a few minutes and I am really regretting agreeing to this.

I don’t have kids. I do have incredible step-children — one of which was recently named most beautiful girl in the world on the internet (my mirror still says I’m the fairest of them all, so…) — and the other is the other one.

Anyway. I can imagine the torture it must be if you have a kid and they get a loud toy, or they scratch their little fucking fingers on a chalkboard… or are just like annoyingly annoying. I can imagine it very easily because I’m currently stuck on a torture bus with a toddler named Tim.

Ok, so he’s 60. He acts like a fucking toddler. All bouncing around, irritating voice, full of energy — irritatingly irritating, like an irritating person. He’s just…. for lack of a better word… irritating. He’s bouncing around on this bus like at any minute he may fuck the couch.

And. My staff, consultants, Obama, the “contain and control group” around me… it’s unbelievably awful. I can’t even go on an interview without Tim, the piece of annoying, irritating shit. Like what do they expect him to do — hold my hand?

I’m going to be the leader of the fucking free world. And… I CANNOT SIT DOWN for an unscripted interview in the 38 (or 39, who’s counting) days since Sleepy Joe stepped aside??! And the FIRST interview I am ALLOWED to do in 39 days and first one after becoming the official Democratic nominee by securing enough delegates 28 days ago (but who’s counting!) has to be with —— Tim!?

Well, it’s not unscripted anyway, we gave them the questions. I have the answers. The hardest thing about it will be stopping myself from picking up any sharp object and stabbing Timmy with it.

Snakes – why did it have to be snakes…?? Makes sense if you take out “snakes” and replace with “Walz”….

And I hope there is wine somewhere in this torture chamber they call the “New Way Forward” bus of fucking joy…we’re gonna need lots of drinks.

Couple of issues.

One, my staffers told me we have some basically deranged lunatic planting signs everywhere (going viral as some call it) saying crazy things like “Illegal Aliens for Harris” and “Drug Traffickers for Harris” and “Shoplifters for Harris” and of course my least favorite is “Sheep for Harris”.

Everyone knows sheep can’t vote. Of course the others are for me; they should be for me. Especially shoplifters.

I was an amazing attorney general from 2011-2017 in California and helped produce a fucking awesome cocktail of activist prosecutors, pro-crime initiatives and efforts to undermine police – all of which emboldened a culture of theft. And now — it’s an $8 billion per year industry where organized “rip crews” strip an entire store, resell the goods, and return to steal again.

I, of course, in the name of equity and wrapped in some bullshit about getting more money for schools (I’m not even sure how people believed that one) inaugurated a heyday for shoplifters. With California Prop 47 pushed and passed in my tenure, police cannot arrest anyone for shoplifting under $950 worth of goods.

Shoplifters have to love me. It’s a boon for their business.

Of course, a growing number of retailers and businesses are leaving California cities due to the losses and also unsafe conditions for customers and employees… but who’s counting?

Once I’m in the Presidency, we can make more incredible changes like that — but like — across the country. Just because it made San Francisco look like a dumpster fire, I’m sure it would be fine everywhere else.

But … It’s the other issues I need to worry about.

1. Freedom of speech should not apply to that guy with the signs. Good thing I got Walz as my VP who doesn’t even believe in freedom of speech. Maybe he can help figure a solution to that and other pesky “hate speech” (the criticism of me)?

2. I have to take the torture bus with Walz again. I almost poked my eyes out when we were together on it in Pennsylvania. And this time – through Georgia!? I can’t imagine anything worse.

And

3. I promised a sit-down interview before the end of August. So. That’s gotta happen. Fuck. Need practice answers. Need practice answers. Say freedom a lot. Probably throw around “the Republicans worship a convicted felon” a few times or something like “MAGA extremism is the devil’s playground” or … as they all keep telling me — stick to the script we give you.

It’s harder than it looks.

Trump just can’t stop. He loves using nicknames. To be fair, he has come up with some great ones that have stuck… like Crooked Hillary, Sleepy Joe, Hiden’ Biden etc etc etc. If I didn’t hate him, I’d say he was brilliantly funny and spot on most of the time.

He hasn’t found one to stick on me yet. Yeah, he’s got kooky Kamala, crazy Kamala, comrade Kamala… nothing too earth shattering.

But his newest one. Sly mala. It seems almost like a compliment. Isn’t “sly” like smart, cunning? Crafty? Isn’t that good to have in a President. Maybe deceitful, secretive. But that can’t be all bad. Every politician is a little bit deceitful. I mean, we couldn’t count on the voters to like my policies and vote for me if we told them the real ones. Gotta be a little “sly” — Slymala — I kinda like it.

More in a minute. The staffer that looks like a raccoon just came in.

Well. That’s shitty. Raccoon face just told me the nickname isn’t “Sly” Mala. It’s “Slime” Ala. I mean, kinda sounds the same, but I’m sure the meaning is pretty different. Fucking Orange Bad Man. If I was guessing, he’s using slimy slimeala as is — nefarious, insincere — a bad liar.

Joke’s on him. I’m not a bad liar. I got people saying I’m for freedom, the economy, safety… I’m not a bad liar. I’m very good at it.

Bad Orange Man.

People are so dumb. Literally. Everyone in a tizzy that I “rolled out a new tax plan” when in reality I just said I am in favor of the plan put out by the Sleepy Joe administration. Kinda my administration too, but… it’s just, I don’t have any policies of my own. Yet. I might. But also…might not. Someone will probably eventually let me know. And, maybe let me talk. But also, maybe not.

But the plan? I’m not great at math, but $5 trillion in new taxes sounds like a lot.

Tax on unrealized gains? I don’t even know what that means, but my phone been ringing off the hook from my Silicon Valley buddies saying that one just ain’t gonna fly. It’s a pipe dream anyway.

The media is already spinning the plan — like this is “only tax on the rich” and “those making less than $400,000” won’t have more taxes… The masses of voters will see that I’m penalizing the rich people — YAY! —- and vote for me.

I overheard two secret service agents say these new taxes including large raises on corporations are going to hurt everyone, more inflation, less jobs, less investment… and when we let the Trump tax cuts expire that helped middle class and lower income people, it’s gonna be real bad for everyone.

I don’t normally listen to what they say, and generally feel like they should be seen and not heard (and definitely never look me in the eyes)… but here, I generally just don’t know. If it was up to me, I’d probably just nationalize the businesses, and grab most everyone’s money and assets…kinda Marxist of me, but who’s counting?

I’ll be the first to admit, I cast the tie-breaking vote in 2022 in favor of the enormously fantastic Inflation Reduction Act. So what if inflation rates quadrupled or octupled or whatever? The act had a great name, even if it didn’t work well. I just point my finger at the Republicans — must be their fault. That’s what we do with everything. Republicans evil. Trump equals Hitler. Maga equals terrorists. Orange man bad. Look over there, don’t look at me. Media runs with that and… we good. I don’t need policies — I have the media.

And. Coffee tastes better with vodka. Way way way better. Coffee is a drink we drink in a cup in the morning and we drink coffee in the morning as a drink and sometimes it’s a morning drink for people in the morning. And vodka — makes it better.

And, now that I’ve been told I will be taking a bus around Georgia (or the armpit of America as I like to call it) with creepy Tim next week, I’m gonna keep my flask close.

What happened? It’s baffling.

The media message was supposed to be “Kamala is amazing, unbeatable, brilliant, loved by all…” etc.

The media message now is something like… “that kooky crazy RFK Jr. has now gone off the deep end BUT he’s also super cool, likable, brilliant, loved by the hip youngsters, makes some great points, loves the country, wants unity…and is a game-changer for the election.”

A game-changer?

How could anyone possibly like the guy? He questions government control, wants freedom for Americans… he makes bold statements like wanting to make America healthy again — kids healthy again — stop chronic diseases… he is concerned about the politicization (is that a word?) and weaponization of the justice system… he wants to stop forever wars and he keeps droning on and on about freedom of speech. Blah blah blah.

Oh and vaccines. He’s pretty anti-vax. I mean, I have been told that, but I’m not sure why. Vaccines are completely safe. 100 percent. I’m not great at math but I also was told recently that:

– the UK has paid out over $25 million to individuals with vaccine injuries to date (from the Covid vaccine)

– Australia has paid over $20 million (and budgeted to pay another $50 million)

– Canada payouts expected to go over $30 million soon

– Italy recently set aside over $150 million euro to pay out their claims for injuries from a completely 100 percent safe vaccine

-and oh.. the CDC was forced to release data that shows approximately 8 percent of USA Covid vaccine recipients that were tracked required medical attention or hospitalizations… and complications including seizures, Bell’s palsy, tinnitus, myocarditis, autoimmune disorders, and drastic suicidal thoughts and/or issues with brain function

But back to Robert Fucking Kennedy. That’s what the F is for, right? Fucking.

Most of his siblings immediately discounted the move to support Trump saying he was clinically “coo coo for Cocoa Puffs”, or something like that. Of course one of them was married to Andrew Cuomo so I would discount her opinion on people — but the others probably know what they are talking about (?) — don’t they?

The media will pick up the “he’s crazy” mantra and dehumanize him; we will attack him vehemently. It will be fine.

I mean his message, “Unity, Freedom, Liberty” —- ugh. Couldn’t possibly be popular with anyone. He cray cray.

And, I brat.

Couldn’t I have one 24 hour period where I felt like this campaign was over?!!

I mean, I gave a brilliant speech where I pretended to be pro-American, pro-business, pro-peace, pro-law and order, pro-border protection…. Brilliant. I should have gotten an academy award right fucking after I got off the stage. No one could even tell I am pretty far far far left and couldn’t give a shit about those things. It was brilliant. I had Trump in my crosshairs… is that ok to say so soon after… whatever. I even got the “perfect smile” in there a couple of times…

And then that little B – RFK Jr. – announces he is pulling out and endorsing Trump. WT serious F.

I mean, he’s for freedom of speech, peace, prosperity… kinda like Trump. I guess it makes some sense… that …and the democrats didn’t just try to beat him at the ballot box like it should be or would be in a free and fair election — instead we sued him, silenced him, banned him — tried to force him off ballots. A full-court press to deny his opportunity to just run and let the people decide.

And…when he called to talk to me? Numerous times. I mean. Why would I take the time to talk to him? Only the son of Bobby Kennedy… Nephew of Robert F. Kennedy… Some of the best democrats in history of US… and he potentially could have joined us but…. well, we are not the party of Kennedy anymore anyway. Hated to break it to him.

And… well, fuck it. I am drinking. I deserve it.

I didn’t want to sit at the convention. I wanted to practice my big speech. The one speech that would rule them all.

But these fucking staffers and political consultants. They forced me into some social learning seminar to go over how faces should and shouldn’t look, how people look when they are happy or bored or mad. As if I need this shit.

First they show a picture of me—- “forced, fake smile,” they say. The ideal smile is called a Duchenne smile — it’s one that comes from the eyes — not just lots of teeth like mine. It’s sincere. It exudes sincerity and elicits trust. We worked on it until I started throwing things at them when it just became tedious.

They also wanted to me understand the “Resting Bitch Face” look so I could be careful when just sitting there in the convention — to work on tiny smile at all times in order to avoid the resting bitch face. And they showed me a picture of Gwen Walz — to see what NOT to look like. Yikes… sweet, socialist woman, but serious RBF.

I did catch a bit of the convention on TV. I saw a little of the Tim Walz speech. And the jury is no longer deliberating on that one — it’s official, I hate him. Creepy. And annoying.

I saw a little of the crowd, too. One of my faves was a chick wearing a “Hotties for Harris” tee-shirt. Fake news, is what it immediately made me think… I mean she was hardly a “hottie” — maybe a 7.5 in Chicago, but in CA, more like a 6.

And, I brat. Fuck the Duchenne Smile. And the stupid know-it-all consultants.