Month: October 2020

Three days.

My staff is full of negative nellies. They are now telling me that crazy Uncle Joe is fine, gaffe-filled Joe is fine, sleepy Joe is fine, confused Joe is fine…. but angry, mean Uncle Joe? Not good.

My speeches are now just me yelling. Loudly. Angrily. And calling Trump voters “chumps” and telling people I’m not crooked, I’m not going to stop fracking, I’m not a socialist, and I’m not going to raise taxes (which is true for a few people, maybe).

Not really much of a positive message going into the final days. The days of me saying, “I am running as a proud Democrat but I would be the President for all of America and bring back decency” – those days are over. I’m just angry. I still say those words. But, I just don’t say them like I mean them.

My speeches are pretty boring. I don’t write the speeches. I just read them. So, putting some energy into them seemed good. Not to these critical staffers! They tell me that I sound bitter, old, useless, mean, spiteful, angry, irritable, potentially deranged, uptight, resentful… and even went so far as to say that young people find me slightly repulsive. None of that sounds good.

I did snap a bit and told one of them they were just fat and ugly and needed to dress less like a loser. That scattered the little buggers.

Three days. The basement at the White House has got to be nice. Eye on the prize.

Come on, man.

So, one cool staffer showed me an Epic Rap Battle on YouTube between me and Trump. Really great.

My first thought, which I said out loud, was, “I don’t remember doing that.”

“It’s an impersonator, Mr. Joe,” said the staffer with an emphasis on impersonator and then a few minute explanation of what an impersonator was, what YouTube was, and that Trump is the current President and this is a parody, and also an explanation of parody. Like I’m dumb. But, yes, some of that was helpful.

They have me actually leaving my house now and going to places like Minnesota. I repeat. Minnesota. This is some kind of cruel and inhumane punishment.

And the rap battle? I wish I had the energy that impersonator had. And his hair. And some of the epic blows. Trump, on the other hand, he was just mean. I would love to take him behind the gym and beat the crap out of him.

White House soon. Eye on the prize.

Come on, man.

Sports analogies. Sometimes you have to call an audible. And sometimes the audible works. Sometimes it is a little messy.

After being given our plans, after calling a lid, after after getting every indication I could take the week off – “Joe, we can’t have you out there anymore” – they changed the play and called an audible.

They pushed me to PA where I tried to answer a question. The answer turned out to be “here’s the deal” three times in a row. I forgot the question. But, then got saved by a staffer who said, “we need to move on.” I called the person in the White House “George” twice. Jill took over the campaign stop speaking role while I shuffled back and forth on the stage. Little messy.

As far as I know now, I’m going to Wisconsin, Arizona and maybe something else. Kamala going to Texas, which seems like a waste. But I don’t want to be mean…

And, “can I change my vote” is a leading Google search. Up 500 percent in some cases.

My message: prepare for what may be the darkest winter of your lifetime. This is my campaign message. That’s gotta be a winner.

Come on, man.

The “Prevent Defense” has been one way some football teams have played when they get a lead…. With a big lead, just run out the clock – be careful not to fumble, let the other team get small runs and receptions…. when on offense, concentrate on not turning the ball over, don’t worry about scoring more. Just run out the clock.

I’m so far ahead in the polls, I am back in the basement for the next 8 days. Playing the odds. Better than me going out and maybe having to answer a tough question. No fumbles at the end of the game… but is this a winning strategy?

Warren Sapp tweeted after the Texans lost to the Saints last year, “Prevent D only prevents you from winning.”

Trump is campaigning in four states today. Someone jokingly tweeted that I was in three states today: unconscious, semi-conscious, and confused. Politics are a rough game.

Back in the basement. Good times. Warren Sapp may think he knows something about sports, but he can’t have any idea about politics and the “prevent defense” definitely will be a winning strategy for me. Fingers crossed anyway.

Come on, man.

We have election fatigue.

As a country, we have election fatigue, political fatigue in general, Portland fatigue, Coronavirus news fatigue, BLM fatigue, elitists telling us what we should think fatigue, celebrities telling is what we should think fatigue, mask fatigue, athletes telling us what to think, Chelsea Handler and Alyssa Milano in particular fatigue… I personally have basement fatigue. I think I would look good in military fatigues. And aviator glasses. That would be cool for Election Day. I’ll ask my handlers.

I’m angry. I asked for a large countdown clock for Election Day. Right now it would show something like 10 days, 13 hours 35 minutes and 12 seconds. Or 9 days plus that or something like that. And I could watch it count down. No one will get me one.

They sell on Amazon for like $50. “We don’t have the money for that, Joe.” Malarky. Offer that Amazon guy a place in my cabinet, I say! He’ll send the best one he has. Easy Peasy.

It’s like no one understands the art of how to use your office for your own good. A $50 clock for Christ’s sake. If I knew how to order online, I’d do it myself.

I personally am planning to end all oil and gas and fracking and that sort of thing. After all, we shouldn’t have companies in America making money on gas and fuel production. The workers I put out of work? Their families? They can get jobs selling insurance or something. I know, a lot of people think it’s great to be energy independent. And people will say it’s a little ironic that my son made millions (and millions) being on the board of an oil company or otherwise using my name and connections. But Americans actually working in the industry will not be able to feed their families …. little sad, but necessary, I think. Again, they can sell insurance. Or go to school to be tax attorneys. We still need a lot of those so we can help the rich and connected, my friends and family, and large corporations find loopholes and schemes to avoid paying taxes.

Does Hunter’s career shed light on the decay of American democracy and the vast social gulf that has opened up between the ruling elite and the vast majority of the population, struggling to survive from paycheck to paycheck, and, as a recent survey found, unable to afford paying an unexpected bill of $400? Who knows?

Its a good thing everyone also has Hunter fatigue.

Vegas odds are getting tighter. Could I still lose? No way, just look at the polls and listen to Alyssa Milano who says, “you can’t love Trump and love America” so I’m sure people will vote for me. Right? Was she on my fatigued of her “shit” list? Hard to keep track. Campaigning is really draining. Nap time.

Come on, man.

BLM. Biden’s Laptop Matters.

That’s just not right. Racist, I think.

Debate tonight. I “rested” for four days while I was spoon fed answers. I’m ready.

I think some of my team is near the end of their rope. Hanging by a thread. Even Jill. It’s not easy to be locked up for months on end. With me. Asking the same question over and over again.

There is always someone mulling around. Always a staffer or a secret service person around, or calling or yapping.

Jill said this morning, “I’ll be glad this is over, I would love to just be alone for a little while.” To which, some snippy staffer said, “if you want to be alone, you should show up at one of our rallies. They are like ghost towns. If we even bother to do anymore, that is. We could just stay in the basement forever.”

Great idea.

Come on, man.

Influence peddling? Unusual pictures of young girls? Drip. Drip. Drip. Where’s Hunter?

Once again, the FBI could play a big role in who wins and who loses. Clinton emails. Biden emails. FBI involved. Just seems a little deja vu ish.

Crooked Clinton. Corrupt Biden. I can barely think of Hillary without saying Crooked Hillary. Trump got that to stick. Can the corruption-type nicknames stick to me? I have the incredible smile. $1 million dollars from China for “the Big Guy” may not influence voters as much as “bleach bit” on the hard drives. I mean, who knows, really? But, I look great in aviators. So I think it should be ok.

I’m back in the basement. My winning strategy. But also a little deja vu ish? Like Hillary? She didn’t travel to battleground states and limited her interactions at the end of the election cycle. Me? I have the cover of “can’t travel because of Covid” that she didn’t have. But will that matter?

People smarter than me are picking this strategy. I’m pretty sure I will still win. More than 37 million people have already voted. Fingers crossed…

Come on, man.

Americans love the Underdog. The Cinderella story. The “against all odds” or “Bad News Bears” or “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” kind of story.

At what point do the scales tip and the country starts actually rooting for The Donald to beat me?

Is it finding out the next debate moderator completely changed the agreed debate theme from foreign policy to Covid and race relations? The only two areas I consistently lead in the polls.

Robert Gates, who served as the defense secretary in the Obama-Biden administration said I had been wrong on nearly every major foreign policy and national security issue over the past four decades. So, foreign policy is not my strong suit.

How about the media not even hiding that they are in my corner. After breathless years of “Russia Russia Russia”, with every moment a bombshell, and Pulitzers handed out like candy …all based on a nothing to the story… then, my own corrupt China dealings or Ukraine issues – nothing. Nothing.

Or more than nothing. Facebook and Twitter has allowed every negative Trump story including leaks and stolen info, but blocked legitimate news stories from the Washington Post and NY Post that were negative to me. Idiot Chuck Schumer is peddling the theory that this is a Russian disinformation hoax. Which it isn’t. Don’t the voters eventually get disappointed or even disgusted with this?

How about the polls themselves? They all say I have no chance of losing. No chance. But self-identified Democrats outnumber Republicans in most polls, sometimes by a wide margin. A Gallop poll that is taken every month since 2004 asking party affiliation of Americans shows that more people are identifying as Republicans right now. That’s only happened 9 times out of the last 100 surveys. The RNC reports that they knock on a million doors a week. The DNC isn’t knocking on any. There is a huge divide in number of new registered voters in favor of the Republicans – especially in the key states of Florida, Pennsylvania, and North Carolina.

Are the polls correct? Are they manipulated? Are they trying to dissuade Republican voters by making them feel they have no chance? Could they have the opposite effect and motivate Republican voters to prove them wrong? Like in 2016?

This isn’t a David vs. Goliath story where I am David. I saw a post that described this as a fight between a bloated, corrupt cockroach, a career politician, propped up by a staff of elitists versus an orange evil Godzilla. And, when do the people start rooting for Godzilla to squash the bug?

It’s in our DNA as Americans. We all believe we have it in us, to overcome obstacles. We tend to root for the guy who has everyone against him.

Yikes. Did they really call me bloated? Not fair. I have been working out…

Come on, man.

I swear Trump is the Energizer Bunny.

He’s crisscrossing the country doing 2, 3, 4 events a day. People line the street with flags and signs shouting, “Four More Years!”

I’m averaging more like 2, 3, 4 … a week. There are more Biden signs in Animal Crossing than in real life.

We got Kamala off the campaign trail after it was disclosed that her cackle was driving off voters. We are trying to get Maya Rudolph to stand in for her for the next two weeks.

I watched some of the clips from Trump’s Town Hall last week. I was shocked when McKinnon picked up her folding chair and hit Trump with it, but politics is a dangerous game right now.

The final debate is this Thursday. We got the questions today. One of them, during the “COVID-19” segment is, “Joe, how do you keep your skin looking so good with all the mask wearing? The nation wants to know.”

The question for Trump during the Covid segment will be, “You bastard, how do you sleep at night when you singlehandedly have snuffed out the lives of old people dying alone on ventilators from the virus you personally made in your basement laboratory and released into the USA as a sick joke and can you denounce white supremacists for the 100th time for me while I ask you snidely like you never have?”

Gonna be a fun debate.

Come on, man.

There seems to be a few “last minute” or “October surprises” in each election.

Surprise is supposed to be a positive word. “Surprise” is usually followed by a fun party, a bouquet of flowers, a gift, or good news.

Not, “Surprise”we have emails linking you to Ukraine and pictures of Hunter smoking a crack pipe.

Me, I love my son. That’s what you do. Even if you have to call a lid at 10am during a campaign to avoid questions from the media. Hey, that’s a day off for me, I’ll take it. I need it.

You love your son. Even if allegations surrounding him cost me the Presidency. You love your son. That’s just what normal parents do.

I can avoid press questions. I have been doing it for six months, I’ve gotten good at it. Where’s Hunter?

Kamala Harris cancels all campaigning after close contact with positive Coronavirus people. I have a town hall tonight. Just keep the surprises coming. We will make it through.

Come on, man.