Month: September 2020

My team isn’t full of people who love me and tell me everything I do is great. They tell me what to do and what to say. Then, they generally pick me apart after each event. They are full of “constructive criticism” which sometimes comes off to me as just criticism, and kinda mean, too.

But they loved me at the debate. Everything I said was great. Big kudos, folks. Couldn’t have been more proud.

Ok, sure, the bar was pretty low. But they really loved the spectacle. Me, calling Trump a “clown” and telling him to stop his yapping. Didn’t come off at all like crazy Uncle Joe.

Also they love how I answered this question:

“Vice President Biden, would you pack the court?”

I took the 5th.

“I refuse to answer on the grounds that it may incriminate me.”

Exactly as I was told to do.

Why does the American public need to know my plans? They just don’t need to know. It’s not as if they are voting for me because they believe I have great plans. Or that I can accomplish anything positive for the USA. I have not in 180 years of my political career. But, the Big Orange Bad Godzilla man in the White House is bad. That’s why they are voting for me. The public is too dumb to understand. And they certainly don’t need to know.

And the results: CNN, CBS, MSNBC, LA Times, NY Times all declare me the winner. CNN and CBS declared me the winner before I showed up, actually. I don’t think they bothered to even re-poll watchers after. Why would they?

The LA Times Is encouraging the cancellation of the next two debates. Wouldn’t that be great!?

Telemundo and the Hispanics broke 66% for Trump. But, they just don’t understand, obviously. Law and Order is what they want. My team said I was confident about Law and Order. Or maybe that was Trump. I can’t remember, but who cares?

Trump was like a petulant child. He trampled on decorum. It was like a dumpster fire. A hot mess. Only 2020 could give us this shit show. Trump had a few verbal errors and they were called “lies” by the media. I lied, and my lies were fact checked to be “misleading” or “partially false“. I have the media. It’s just all great, great, great, great, great.

There was one lone voice on my team that had something that may have seemed negative. She said, “You didn’t win, sir. Trump didn’t, either, although he put up a strong and confident fight that sounded very pro-American. The statement he made that he’s done more for America in 47 months than you have done in 47 years could resonate with voters. Wallace? He was horrible. But, I know one thing. It does feel a little like America lost.”

Wallace was horrible? What a bunch of malarkey! He was unabashedly on my side. It was like 2 on 1 as Wallace started debating Trump directly… What’s wrong with that?

Come on, man.

Little confusion today here in the basement…. I was zoning out on a few meetings/zoom calls between debate prep and I caught something about getting ahold of “his taxes” and “he took $3.5 million from Russians” and “a shit ton from China” and … “seven figures from Ukraine” and something like … “stunning levels of corruption and breathtaking breaches of America’s national security” —- hearing all this, my ears perked up, I was understandably on the edge of my seat…And, I couldn’t control my excitement, either.

I said, “Are you saying we got him?! Red-handed!? I knew it. What a crook. An utter sham. Finally, we got his taxes? Wow, Trump is just the worst…with all of this reaching the news, we are sure to win now!”

However, the response I got from the team what slightly unexpected. They turned to Jill and asked her to explain.

“Joe, dear, I’m sorry. You must be confused. We were not discussing Trump. We were talking about Hunter.”

I think I responded something like, aaaa I knew exactly what you were talking about, aaaa just a joke, folks… of course – Hunter, dear Hunter…. where is Hunter?… or something like that. They smiled and looked at me like they totally believed every word.

Come on, man.

Trump. 5pm. Announcement.

What will the Democrats do?

Make up gang rape accusations? May not work this time.

We can paint her as a religious nut job? She’s Catholic. I’m Catholic also. So if she’s a nut job…. you know the thing.

We can paint her as anti-gay. Maybe anti-LBGQT Alphabet Soup, as I like to say. I met a gay lady once. It wasn’t scary. Little uncomfortable. Just so many questions swirling around in my head. But…

We could say she’s overpopulating. She has 7 kids. Two adopted, from Haiti. White saviorism? Or maybe racist? Sounds like something.

I think AOC said it’s not ethical to have children. Maybe we take that route. How dare she! Climate change! Everyone loves AOC. Now that’s a lady that scares me. And it reminds me of a joke about her and the New Green Deal. You know what the Green Deal is? “It’s the deal where we take all the green money from you and you have no choice but to deal with it.” Ha ha ha. The world has “dumb blonde jokes” but now, blondes can tell “dumb AOC” jokes. That is funnier when I say it out loud. Maybe too close to reality to be funny. I can’t decide, but I think I’ve written enough about it, I’ll stop now.

She hates women? That could be something if we stretch it a bit.

I certainly don’t think whatever rude, obnoxious and ugly attacks we make on ACB could backfire. People are generally very happy with the vitriol in politics. And there is no way for us to NOT have her confirmed. The Republicans have the votes. So we attack. And we lose. In every scenario. In no way would that make my base less excited. And the ugly attacks won’t turn off those in the middle or give them the thought, “what has the Democratic Party come to!” No chance.

Full steam ahead. Attack. When they go low, we kick them in the face. When they nominate a well-educated, upstanding, female conservative —- well, we go low. Sounds like a winning move.

Come on, man.

Reporters love me. I make their job easy. I don’t go many places. I don’t have a lot of events. The events I do have are small and easily covered. I rarely answer questions and sometimes, if I do, I provide them the questions. I go further and make it super easy by giving them acceptable talking points for their reporting of the events. Piece of cake.

And, I call a lot of “lids” (like today) at 9 or 9:30am and give them all the day off.

The reporters on my campaign have it easy peasy lemon squeezy… that’s why I’m so beloved. Especially in contrast to the other side…! The reporters covering the mean orange man are given a non-stop fury of events all over the place with not a moment’s rest.

Today, my lid was at 9am so we can practice for the debates. Today we are working on tone and enunciation. Sure, some of the work is on content, but most of that is like, “twist everything to be a negative to Trump — use charged words like bad, uneducated, unfit, uncouth, mean, hateful, bigoted, racist, soulless, monster, killer” — that’s the main important content I have to remember.

My team’s main complaint is that they think I have “two speeds” —

1. Slow
2. Loud

I tried saying “Loud really isn’t a speed” but I guess my team begs to differ. They rolled their eyes and said, “get back behind the podium, Grandpa.” Here were their more detailed descriptions:

1. Slow – also “mumbling, incoherent, blunder-filled, boring, charmless, appearing confused or incompetent”…. none of their descriptions sound nice.
2. Loud – also “yelling, crotchety, irritable, grumpy, lecturing, boring, odd, incoherent, nonsensical, appearing confused or incompetent”… also just not nice.

I am trying to stay calm and be more charming…. and have an open mind to their ideas. They are telling me all I have to do is stay upright for 90 mins and that should good enough to be pronounced the winner of the debates. I think I can do that! (Hopefully)

Break time over – back behind the podium, Joe.

Come on, man.

Really weird thing I found out recently. There is more than one gay conservative. I’m dumbfounded. I figure, “if you have trouble figuring out whether you’re for me or Trump, then you ain’t gay.”

Oh, sure there is Rick Grennel who says Trump is the “most pro-gay president in American History.” Rick is the first openly gay cabinet member for the US, appointed by Trump. But, I thought he was the only one.

But then there is Tammy Bruce. I just found out that she is a bisexual conservative woman, who chooses to identify as a lesbian. I would ask someone on my campaign to explain that to me but I don’t need a 30 minute lecture on sexuality and gender. Again.

Anyway, I’ve heard of her. She’s well spoken. Smart, even. And a few days ago she “got into the fray”… so to speak.

It’s all about the Supreme Court vacancy all the time. What will Trump do, what will Romney do, what would Biden do if he had the chance to sit a justice, what will the Democrats do when they don’t get their way? Again. My speeches stay on point – focus on the Coronavirus. But, everyone else on the planet…it is about SCOTUS.

It started when Richard Blumenthal posted on the Twitter: “If Republicans recklessly & reprehensibly force a SCOTUS vote before the election — nothing is off the table.”

So she posted, in response:

“Or what, you’re gonna burn the cities down? Or what, you’re going to call POTUS a treasonous spy for Russia? Or what, you’re gonna hold up Coronavirus relief? Or what, you’re gonna keep major cities shut down economically? Or what, you’re going to keep schools closed?
OR WHAT? You’re gonna defund the police? Or what, you’re gonna impeach Trump? Or what, you’re gonna call Trump supporters nazis? Or what, you’re gonna smear the SCOTUS as a gang rapist drug dealer? OR WHAT?”

In defense Richard said, “Shut up, I went to Harvard and Yale. I know what you should think, and it’s not that. Why are women allowed to have opinions at all? Especially conservative women? Did you get your opinion from your husband? Why didn’t Twitter censor that? I’m pretty sure someone is going to get fired for not immediately censoring that!” Or maybe that’s not what he actually said, but I’m 99 percent sure that is what went through his mind.

Which made sense. Until someone on my staff told me she’s gay. Pretty sure that means she doesn’t have a husband. But who knows these days?

Maybe we have played all our cards, or maybe we have more arrows in our quiver? Again, who knows? Have you heard of this pandemic thing? That is my general go to for everything.

Do I look like a socialist? I beat the socialist.

Come on, man.

And now. I just don’t believe it. Fact Checking? My campaign?

I really am flabbergasted. I don’t really get it.

First, I thought I could read a teleprompter. My team thought, for sure, I could be good enough to stumble through for 43 more days with a teleprompter. And pretty ok without a teleprompter. I’ve memorized a few decent answers. Without a teleprompter, I can string together some words and my team stands backstage and crosses their fingers and holds their breaths and prays that the words strung together are somewhat coherent.

And… Trump has played into our plan. He portrays me as a drooling incompetent. So, if I can say a few things and get a few good sound bites, the media will continue to prop me up. We will be ok.

But, Houston, we have a problem. The media has begun a witch hunt. They are fact checking me.

Yesterday, I said 200 million people would be dead by the time I finished my speech. So what if I’m bad at numbers? It’s not the first time I’ve made that mistake. 200k or 200 million – does it really matter how many deaths? It’s a dumb mistake … but a lie? I haven’t left my house much in months. Give me a break.

But this week….. the media picked up the torch and shined it on my campaign and came up with a long list of my “lies” from last few days, like:

• Bill Barr: I lied about what Bill Barr said about the lockdown. I should really be careful with that… he might charge me with sedition.
• White supremacists: I lied about what Trump said about white supremacists after the Charlottesville deal. He clearly said, “Racism is evil. And those who cause violence in its name are criminals and thugs, including the KKK, neo-Nazis, white supremacists, and other hate groups that are repugnant to everything we hold dear as Americans.” But I keep saying he never denounced the white supremacists. It’s my favorite lie. The media uses it, too! I should be fine. I’m going to just keep using that.
• Supreme Court potential nominee list: I lied yesterday about Trump never asking for my Supreme Court list until AFTER RBG died…. knowing full well that when Trump released his latest list on September 9, the Trump campaign’s statement said in its title that “Biden must do the same.” 
• Last week on Military deaths: I’m trying to win the military vote. And I’m trying to garner fear from Coronavirus. So I “mistakenly” said there have been 6,114 Military deaths from Covid. There have been seven. I “accidentally” used the state of Michigan numbers instead of Military numbers. Convenient accident!

Those were just a few from the past week. I’m sure I’m forgetting a bunch like lies about my education, my thoughts on Coronavirus response, my thoughts on blacks, my part in the surveillance of the Trump campaign, my family’s situation and how much money they have made off my political career, etc.

Maybe it’s better that the media focuses on my “blunders” or “lies” instead of some of the most divisive parts of our future plans.

Would I win the Presidency if some of the plans of my team were highlighted instead of my gaffes? Like:

1. Completely changing the numbers of justices and the make-up of the Supreme Court? Packing it with at least 4 more uber-Liberal justices to garner a majority on any issue. The Constitution be damned.
2. Granting statehood to Washington, DC and Puerto Rico thus securing 4 additional Senate seats and a majority in perpetuity…. Taking away the small state voice in the future affairs and actions of the US.
3. Eliminating the filibuster rule in the Senate and enabling the simple majority passage of any bill passed by a Democrat-controlled House. Anything. Literally. The Dems stick together. We could do anything.
4. Granting citizenship and voting rights to 20+ million illegal aliens. As soon as possible.
5. Eliminating or neutralizing the electoral college for Election – really two states – California and New York would control the Presidency. Perfect.
6. Eliminating the 2nd Amendment or severely restricting gun and ammo ownership. Except for people protecting politicians.
7. Restricting 1st Amendment right of free speech and freedom of assembly. Who needs conservative voices to be heard? This is already happening on college campuses. Let’s make it across the board!
8. Continuing taxpayer funded abortion to the moment of birth (or after?)…
9. Aggressively prosecuting political enemies to the fullest extent possible by a hyper-partisan DOJ. Sounds good.
10. Pushing for Globalism instead of America First or the cute slogan we have “Build Back Better”. The definition of our Build Back Better would be, at least as simple as it is now – decriminalize illegal border crossings and allow and prop up Sanctuary cities. Or just open the border. Why not?
11. And just for fun, destroying Donald Trump, his family, business associates and supporters to send a message that no outsider shall ever dare run for President of the United States ever again.
    

I’m sure I’m leaving some off the list. Hard to keep up with everything and some of it sounds down right crazy, actually. Socialism. Communism. Dictatorship. Marxism. Fascism. Those words all seem to swirl around in my head when I’m lucky and my team actually lets me listen to them in one of their “The Future” planning sessions.

In other words, Freedom and Liberty for OUR voice, a liberal and better future for all. Republicans, conservatives, libertarians, capitalists …. be damned.

Come on, man.

Ok, some media people just can’t seem to grasp the idea that whatever I do is fine, good, perfect even.

Trump bad. Joe good. It’s not that freaking hard to get right. A few of them don’t have the sense God gave a goose! They get it wrong, wrong. Chicken manure wrong.

Trump’s vaccination distribution plan would be to make the vaccination available to the MOST VULNERABLE POPULATION FIRST?! That makes no sense.

My most trusted COVID-19 adviser, Ezekiel Emanuel, wants to reverse the Trump administration’s intent to offer the vaccine to those over 65 ahead of the general population. Who cares if people over 65 are at highest risk from COVID-19?! The “elderly” shouldn’t be given priority — because they don’t have as long to live anyway. We choose truth over facts, after all.

I guess I’ll count my chicken blessings. I know I’ll be able to get the vaccine because of who I am. Also, most media are bright enough and have enough leather in their brains to make a saddle for a June bug. Few are poking holes in Emanuel’s plans. No one really reporting about my opposition to closing the borders with China or Europe. “It’s not who we are, man.” Or my other blunders and mistakes about my Coronavirus plans in general. Like most of what I said I would do had already been done, with success. Or that I trusted, unequivocally, the WHO who, at best were wrong a lot, or at worst have definitely lied to us a few times…

No one also really reporting the positives on Trump or the Virus … like that an infected patient’s chance of survival has quadrupled since April. (Because of better controls put in place and more therapeutics?)

No one reporting that the total number of flu-like (Corona Virus plus any other similar illness) outpatients across all US hospital networks remains below the baseline for 22nd consecutive week and is currently at or below normal levels for this time of year.

No one reporting that the numbers of total patients in outpatient AND Emergency Rooms for Covid-19 symptoms has decreased for the 9th consecutive week. Even as most states are partially or fully reopening.

No one really reporting anything positive. I mean, people are dying, man. What’s positive? Why be positive? Why have any optimism at all about people’s ability to stay safe or minimize their risks? Buckle up. Fear motivates voters. We will continue to peddle fear. Makes sense. And attack Trump if he says anything remotely positive…

And, no one is reporting that we have reached a point in the pandemic that expected deaths are pretty much exactly in line with the averages for the past five years’ deaths.

Pointing out that we don’t want to give the Virus Vaccine to the most vulnerable population (even if true) reminds me of 2009’s lies about Death Panels for Obamacare. True, we originally provided pay to doctors to discuss end-of-life plans with anyone over 65 during routine physicals. But we took that out after the general public had some concerns about that. And, generally speaking, government controlled health care can mean that government panels can make decisions on medical necessity. Sure, most countries allow for ombudsmen for individuals to fight for care they want or need. That makes sense. Want cancer care? Prove you need it and would survive if you got it. Or that you are young enough to have it worth the costs. Of course, some countries are better than others. And some are more transparent than others. Italy, for example, publicly states that it allocates resources based on the patients’ chance of therapeutic success. That seems right. UK national healthcare system gets more than 500 complaints a day. But, everything is free. You get what you pay for? The good, bad, and ugly of National Healthcare. You can look at it lots of different ways. But, seriously, do older people need hip replacements or new heart valves? I’m not saying they don’t. Just that all of it just costs money. And should maybe be considered in the overall scheme of things. See why saying there are “Death Panels” is, at best, a gross overstatement and at worst a big fat lie? Certainly don’t google Alfie Evans. That’s a hoax.

I can’t remember if I’m for or against universal healthcare truthfully.

I do think we have some dysfunctional stuff in our healthcare systems. But, who doesn’t?

I forgot where I was headed. But, to sum it up – vaccinations for the people who need it? That’s just more crazy talk from a bad, crazy orange Godzilla occupying the White House.

Come on, man.

Great woman. Trailblazer. She died yesterday after an amazing life. A woman who could be friends with people with completely different political ideologies. She never compromised her beliefs, but also never let her strong, deep-set and unwavering beliefs get in the way of friendships.

Oh, how wonderful the country would be if more people thought like her. Seems like political opinions are tearing the country — family, friends, neighbors, congregations — apart.

And, my job is to divide it further. In my first statement about her death, after a few platitudes, I went straight to politics. “No one has ever been confirmed in 46 days!” — knowing full well that RBG herself was confirmed in 42 days…. I said “the people should pick the President and he should pick the Supreme Court.” Which I meant – me, Joe Biden. But, which also actually makes it pretty clear that Donald Trump is able to pick the replacement since he actually was voted in to be the President. You know, the Constitution is pretty clear. “The President shall nominate, and by and with the Advice and Consent of the Senate, shall appoint… Judges of the Supreme Court.” That’s it. No ifs, ands, or buts. But, it just isn’t fair.

I believe Ginsburg, John Paul Stevens, and Sandra Day O’Connor were all confirmed in a short period of time. If I recall correctly, Stevens’s confirmation in 1975 took 19 days, O’Connor’s confirmation in 1981 took 33 days, and Ginsburg’s confirmation in 1993 took 42 days.

So there really is nothing stopping Trump. He already has a lengthy list. And he has it narrowed down to a few strong choices already. I wouldn’t be surprised if he officially nominated one by Monday! That sneaky guy…. it’s just not fair!

Oh, sure. We have threats of more violence. Looting, harassment, rioting. That’s pretty powerful. We have got that started already.

We can take to the streets in Democratic cities and burn whatever we haven’t already burned down over the past few months. Or start more wildfires. We would try it in Red states, but our activists are arrested there and then we can’t get them out of jail quickly and send them to other cities. So, maybe we will just stick to the blue ones. Just spit-balling.

We have the media on our side that will constantly cry “FOUL” because of the Merrick Garland situation. (Sounds like a made-up name, maybe I have that wrong). The celebrities — they will likely start tirades which will take off like wildfire on Social Media! We will change “No Justice, No Peace” to “Pick a Justice and there will be No Peace” or something equally intimidating.

We will have Romney. We could torture other Senators by making them listen to the answer I gave the potato farmer from Sacramento, Pennsylvania from my town hall on loop. After a few plays they will grab their ears and scream, “stop that nonsense, I’ll do whatever you want!”

It’s about to get ugly. Well, I should say “uglier.”

Come on, man.

I’m on what they call a “break” right now after my so-so Town Hall yesterday. So, I thought I would take a few hours to type in the body of a weird and hilarious letter I received. That way, I will have it in my diary to look back on later. Just for fun.

Here it is:

Dear Joe,

I know you and your followers despise Trump, and cannot possibly fathom why anyone would ever vote for him, so let me fill you in.

I don’t think it’s that everyone loves Donald Trump so much. It’s that most people will do whatever it takes to vote for Trump because the only one most people find more dangerous to this nation than Trump, is you.

How is that possible, you might ask? 

Well, we can see with our own eyes the actions you and the left are doing to destroy our country…from tearing down the police, to tearing down our history, to tearing down our borders. 

The left seems focused on systematically destroying our schools, normalizing sexualization of children, and brainwashing our kids into believing socialism is the answer to everything (despite being an unmitigated failure everywhere).

Your party seems hell bent on demonizing religion and faith, and glorifying abortion, violence, drugs, and thug culture.

The Democrats throw around the name “racists” every time we expect everyone of all skin colors to follow our laws equally. Democrats all too easily call conservatives like Tim Scott, Herman Cain, Larry Elder and others—  “Uncle Toms” or “tokens” —ironically, while lecturing us on hate speech. 

Your party seems to love to ridicule us for having the audacity to hang a flag on the 4th of July, stand for the national anthem, or (horror of horrors) wear a MAGA hat in public …. while claiming to be the party of tolerance. Do you see why most people think the Democrats are the party of hypocrites??

The left doesn’t seem to care about free speech – on the contrary – you show us in your actions every day that your party feels free speech should be allowed only for those on the left and tossed out the window for those who disagree with your opinions. And furthermore, that harassment and violence against those that disagree with you … is fine.

The left seems to support those who destroy cities and people’s livelihoods without repercussions. The message? That chaos, and lawlessness, and disrespect for authority should be the norm? This seems to be the agenda on the left. Based on your words and your actions. 

The left’s narrative is a constant drone of race-baiting and “victim-hood” sold to people of color every chance you get because it’s such an easy sell, compared to actually teaching people to stand on their own two feet and helping them take personal responsibility for their own lives, their own communities, and their own futures. “The left will save you” is the message during each election, but quickly, the “saviors” forget that promise when the election cycle is over. 

This is why we will vote for Donald Trump. It is not because he is the most polite politician to have ever graced the oval office. 

It is because we have eyes and ears and brains and values. We are tired of the destructive crap you and the left are doing to this beautiful country we love.

We will not vote for your destructive, ignorant, and intolerant behaviors and beliefs — parading as “wokeness and tolerance.” 

The left seems constantly overtly disrespectful while making zero contributions of anything positive to our society. There is no working with the other side to get Coronavirus relief out to people. There is no movement for good — only attempts to vilify someone else. 

The Republicans are not just using rhetoric and false promises to win voters. They have used actions to improve the lot of regular Americans. Trump and the Republicans have led progress on health care, tax reform, national security, and education. They have leveled the playing field on trade, invested in medical research, lowered drug prices, beefed up the VA, made it possible for widows of soldiers to keep the benefits they were promised, provided tax relief, signed the FUTURE act into law to provide permanent funding to the historically black colleges, initiated Operation Legend to crack down on violent crime, set up and expanded Opportunity Zones to improve impoverished areas across the country, improved USA Cyber Security, worked to reform the criminal justice system and signed The First Step Act into law (the first major legislation to address mass incarceration at the federal level in decades), worked to provide assistance to all states during the pandemic and to help safely reopen states, put conservative judges on the bench, established the Space Force, defeated ISIS, took out Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, strengthened the border and followed and upheld the laws on the books, oversaw the public-private partnership in SpaceX that got America sending astronauts into space again for the first time in nearly 20 years, got us out of the horrific deal with Iran, and set up normalization and Peace deals between Israelis and large mostly Muslim nations with more countries promised to come. Trump has been tough on China and our adversaries while enacting changes to help America and Americans. When congress couldn’t extended Coronavirus relief to US workers that were out of work through no fault of the own because of the Virus, Trump unilaterally extended federal benefits. Prior to the pandemic, Trump had set up an economy that had the lowest unemployment rates EVER for blacks, Hispanics, and women. Under Trump, the United States’ lowest-paid workers saw their paychecks rise at the fastest pace in over a decade, women’s wages started rising faster than men’s resulting in a narrowing of the pay gap, the overall poverty rate declined to the lowest in nearly 20 years, the home ownership rate jumped to the highest level since 2008… people across the board were doing better in the Trump economy before the pandemic — and, because of that, we know he can bring it back after the pandemic. It’s not words. It’s actions and results that are important. 

Trump is the first President in my lifetime to not sign up the USA for a new war, and he gave the military much needed money for pay raises and modernization. 

Joe, your party’s entire focus is on ripping things down… never ever on building anything up. This is not the American way. 

Most people I know will vote for Donald J. Trump. And when he is reelected, and you wonder why? Look in the mirror. And look to your campaign staff who are so out of touch with reality that they convinced you to build a platform that is boiled down to nothing but hate and vitriol. 

You, complain — endlessly about Trump — and tell the public to pick you to solve the woes of society, yet you have failed to solve a single social problem anywhere. In fact, all you have done is create more of them while in office.

Meanwhile, Trump’s actions to help America and Americans have made him worthy of reelection.

So, when you wake up on the morning of November 4th (or more likely December 29 by the time the Supreme Court weighs in on the mail-in ballot fiasco we are headed towards) and find that Donald J. Trump is reelected, you will be one of the few who is surprised.

Signed, 

Your Average Patriotic American 

Whew…. that was a lot. I’m going to take a nap now. I just had to get that in here to look back on later. But what a bunch of malarkey!

Come on, man.

I think I finally figured out the Harris-Biden Administration platform.

My team has been getting me ready for my televised “town hall” tonight in Pennsylvania where I’ve been told that a live audience, socially distanced and wearing masks, will ask prearranged questions and I am practicing the answers.

I used the think all of the answers were just “we have to get the Bad Orange Godzilla Hitler” out of office. He’s misogynistic, racist, anti-immigrant, and “ruining” America.

Now I think I’ve figured out the entire platform in a nutshell. It is easy.

We just need to, with the media’s unwavering commitment, make everyone in America believe that up is down, black is white, left is right, right is left, good is bad, bad is good…. that is my basic platform.

Like take yesterday… My team tweets out that we don’t have a “minute to lose” to put together a plan for safe distribution of the Coronavirus vaccine. NOT A MINUTE TO LOSE, but I’m a hour and a half late to the meeting where I’m meeting with experts to come up with the plan (it’s so hard to put on my socks!), Trump ALREADY has a plan that was put together by experts and the military leaders, I’ve been telling everyone the vaccine isn’t safe, but I need a plan to distribute the “unsafe drug” immediately…. it’s all spin, up is down, black is white.

Criminals are Heros

Heros are villains

Or … “Trust the Experts” … unless they tell you something that brings hope or normality or is in conflict with our own narrative – like, kids should be in school, or the economy is rushing back, or Trump is surging in the polls, or sports can be managed safely, or that blue states are doing worse with coronavirus and economic recovery than red states or whatever. If you don’t like the experts’ take on a situation then they are wrong, and should be suspended on Twitter or hidden in Facebook or Google searches – if their expert opinion is something that might conflict with your narrative. Freedom of speech is great and all, of course. But, we should silence those that disagree. Like conservatives and Li-Ming Yan.

It’s simple, really. Pretend the electorate is dumb and has no way to investigate situations on their own. Make them believe it is nighttime in the middle of the day. The Democratic platform.

Yikes. Better stop piddlin’ around with all this deep thought. Gotta start putting on my socks and in a hurry this time!! We have to leave in an hour for Pennsylvania….!

Come on, man.