Month: August 2020

Just sitting here in the basement, waiting to hear who my VP will be.

I started watching television and became immensely and extremely concerned for the people of Beirut. The videos of what is happening in the streets is unreal. Unlike the US, their protests were violent – the “protestors” were soon “rioters” — they attacked buildings, burning and destroying them….they burnt flags and books — there appeared to be many, many injured. Elderly women were harassed and attacked on the streets. It was horrific to see. I was overwhelmed with sadness for the people.

Jill walked by and I said to her, “Honey, just look at these thugs calling themselves protestors. Beirut looks like a horrible place to live. We are lucky to be in America.”

Jill turned to me and said, “Joe, dear, that’s Portland.”

Portland, Lebanon? Never heard of it. That can’t be correct.

Come on, man.

My team is on high alert – ready to jump in at any second to write a clarification or apology tweet when I have a misstep.

But, does anyone alive think Peter Doocy of Fox News was really my VP pick? It’s a joke, folks. Find me one person alive that believes he’s a black woman.

And, do people really think I’ll announce it when I said I would? Today? Not gonna happen.

The tweet my team sent to clarify – that’s the height of going overboard in this hypersensitive world we find ourselves in.

Random question for the day. States are “closing their borders” to people from other states because they don’t want the “visitors” to bring in Coronavirus. However, we are letting people into the USA with no quarantine, no testing. The border is like a sieve. Should we better enforce our borders? Build a wall? The hospitals near the borders are overloaded with non-USA citizens. Any concerns? I know I can’t say any of this out loud. But…

Come on, man.

I was informed today that we needed to hire ANOTHER staffer to apologize for my gaffes and write Tweets that start with “What Joe meant to say….”

It is just nearly impossible to keep my statements to only those that can be pre-recorded, unfortunately. So, when I leave the basement, it’s a crapshoot.

Yesterday I got in trouble for saying this:

“What you all know, but most people don’t know, unlike the African American community, with notable exceptions, the Latino community is an incredibly diverse community with incredibly different attitudes about different things.”

Well, I didn’t think it would make such a big hubbub. I believe African-American people are pretty much a monolithic voting block for me and the Democrats. I know it seems unbelievable after the way the Dem leaders seem to only care about them every four years… Pretty much every election cycle. Sure, there are a few that leave the Democratic plantation, but those are very notable exceptions, as I said. Like 5. Candace Owens, Leo Terrell, Thomas Sowell, Larry Elder … well, maybe there is only four. Oh, there is that Scott fellow from South Carolina. Ok, yeah, 5 then. But, they aren’t really black. Or they would be voting for me.

So I said it out loud, who cares? I don’t think black people have a diversity of thought. I’m not a racist, though. I have one black friend – Barack. I would like to say Michelle is my friend, too, but I am pretty sure she hates me. But I’ll soon have a black VP so maybe my VP will be my friend.

I mean I could see a big hubbub if I said something like, “you tortillas are here to listen to me pander to you.” You know, the truth. The truth will set you free. Or get you in trouble. And that’s why my team is hiring another tweeter to be on the ready. “What Joe really meant is…you know soul of America and blah blah..”

The best news is the media still all in for me because they were quick to say that what I said never happened. Team Joe all the way.

Come on, man.

The four kooks known as the Beatles said once, “you can’t buy people’s love” or something like that.

I’ve been thinking about this and want to jot down a few random thoughts.

It is hard to get people to like you if your platform is simply “whatever a group of unknown people put in front of you”. Money seems like a great way to get whatever my message is out to the people, though.

In politics, people usually give you money because they love you. Or they hate your opponent. Or, often, to gain access or favors. Or maybe they give it to a family member of a politician and not to the crooked politician directly. For some reason as I write that, Hunter comes to mind. Anyway…. or they give money to Super Pacs or is that super Pac-Man or Superman pac or … whatever – they give to some “completely other group” in order to get around campaign finance laws — but the money usually gets to you somehow. Or pays for stuff you would have had to pay for if they didn’t. And I think people can give unlimited amounts maybe. Even a gazillion.

What an amazing racket.

There is so much money in campaigns and so many loopholes, you can even do outrageous things like pay people or lawyers to make up completely ridiculous stuff about your competition. Happens all the time. Hillary told me that.

Even then, with a zillion loopholes, most candidates end up with campaign finance violation issues. Like my pal, the first clean, bright, articulate African American, Obama.

I wonder what we could fix if we had all that money working for our communities and not going to multi-gazillion dollar companies like google and Facebook and ABC and Fox and MSDNC for …. and let me be clear … for advertising.

So it’s disappointing to hear Trump raised $165 million dollars in July. So many people dislike him I just can’t wrap my head around it. I raised $140 million and I’m for sure gonna be the next President; people love me. Just look at the polls…. what could have possibly caused people to give more money to Trump this month? It’s obvious, by looking at the polls, that I am the favorite. So why aren’t I having giant amounts of money and jewels thrown at my feet while girls feed me grapes?

Hmmmm. Why do I seem to have so many questions but no answers?

What the hell, man? Are you a junkie? I’m not a junkie.

Or, things seem to have gone to hell. Well, especially in Democratic cities. But, we have locked everyone down so they can’t get jobs and said Trump is deranged, morally unfit, morbidly obese, a lunatic, stupid. We told the people that. And, we have been allowing them to burn shit (books, buildings, minority owned businesses, courthouses, cars, police vehicles, restaurants and stores that service minority communities, bibles, police cars, Wendy’s, etc.) — so why don’t they love me by sending money to me? People love to burn shit. Well, unless maybe you don’t like to, or don’t think others should to do that and damn, where am I going to pick up my prescription now that my walgreens got burnt to the ground, and why are my tax dollars now going to fix stuff that people burnt down instead of helping to fix my school?

We have told them not to like Trump. They should do what we say.

I need money. Lots.

Come on, man.

These days, probably anyone non-essential should try and stay home and work from home. I know that ESSENTIAL workers, on the other hand, should leave their homes and follow precautions like washing their hands, social distancing, and mask wearing. These include: construction workers, first responders, 7-11 workers, flight attendants, chiropractors, McDonald’s employees, garbage men, plumbers, valet attendants, and about a million other jobs.

Apparently, NON-essential workers are people like me and the nation’s teachers.

Teachers? I am very surprised they made the list of non-essentials. The children that they teach are our future.

But, I had a bunch of time today between naps so I did a little digging. Here is what I found:

1. Baltimore: in 13 High Schools they could not find one student that was proficient in math.
2. Philadelphia: only 17 percent of 4th graders could read at grade level. Throughout all grades, at least two-thirds read below grade level.
3. Detroit: less than 12% of 3rd and 4th graders could read at or above grade level.
4. California: Large education gap between races. 50 percent of white students were proficient in math but only 20 percent of black students and 25 percent of Hispanic students. Similar in reading proficiency- whites 65 percent while blacks were at 20 percent and Hispanics were 28 percent.
5. Georgia: The highly regarded Michelle and Barack Academy announced that 81 percent of their third graders couldn’t read at grade level, and the school itself received an F in 4 of the past 5 years from the state. The school scored worse than nearly 85 percent of public schools across the country.
   

Hmmm…. legitimately the teachers are doing such a poor job in most of the cities and states, maybe they are non-essential after all.

Wait. My wife is a teacher. What’s wrong? Is it the teachers? The bloated school district offices suck up the money that should go to the kids? The person the school is named after? The bad spending and priorities of the Democratic cities? Is it a grand plan to keep the minorities uneducated and voting Democratic? Democratic States? Dead Democrats voting? Does my dog vote? Where’s Hunter? Did someone tell me today that I am taking disgraced liar Susan Rice as VP? When do I get out of this basement?

What was my point? Teachers are not essential. That’s good. That way people have to stay home and help their children with online learning, and they can’t go back to work and the economy stays in the tank and I win race I’m in. An important race. Something I’m trying to win. Yes. I had a teacher that had a nickname for me once. I forget what she called me. Joe? Joey? Joey B? Joey Buttafuoco? That doesn’t seem right. Slow Joe? No, I’m pretty sure that was what a campaign staffer called me yesterday. Hmm.

So many questions.

Come on, man.

I have a history of throwing some colorful four letter words out from time to time. But, now that I’m running “for the soul of America” I have been told to cut that out.

I could not help it though, when I was told that Kamala looked like the front runner in the VP pick process, to throw out the “F” along with the rest that rhymes with the only true friends I have right now that live out in my pond.

I wanted someone “Simpatico” with me. But, let’s talk obvious problems here:

1. She was a very tough prosecutor. My side is embracing lawlessness, getting rid of police, letting criminals out of jail. One of her slogans was actually “Justice is on the Ballot” which would be a huge vote killer… Not good.
2. She reportedly treated her staff very poorly. These claims aren’t going well with Ellen now, really don’t think they will help us, either.
3. She is from a state that I’m already going to win. CA is going Democrat. No matter what. I could be a serial killer or have full dementia and CA will vote for me. I don’t need a Californian on my ticket.
4. Her campaign slogan was something like, “We need Truth” or “Let’s Talk Truth” — I just can’t think of anything worse than that in politics. Yuck. Not gonna work.
5. Money. She is coming from CA and had trouble rubbing two nickels together on her own campaign. Even highly incompetent Pelosi never had trouble raising money in CA. No good.
6. She muddled her message throughout the campaign as if she really had no ideologies or platform. It was if she would tailor her answer for each group she was talking to. Or that she needed to wait for someone to tell her what to think. While this may sound like a positive as a VP – I just think it’s too similar to me. Simpatico is one thing, but identical – not great.
   

I could go on and on. I stated my objections to her with my team. Maybe they will listen. She does seem to have strokable hair, but I’m not sure that one positive outweighs the many negatives.

Come on, man.

I think as President, you sometimes have to make tough decisions, sometimes quickly, and sometimes with less info than you would like. It takes charisma, wit, leadership, intelligence, and a ton of energy amongst other traits be the most powerful person on the planet.

I’m not really pretending I have any of those things. I was near the bottom of my class at college and Sleepy Joe is a pretty accurate nickname – both because I put my audiences to sleep and because I am a little slower than I used to be and enjoy naps. From time to time I have what’s known as bluster – I lie about my class rank in college, number of degrees I have… but I think everyone, at this point, knows I’m not running the show and won’t be when I’m in office either.

That’s one of the reasons the voters are very concerned about the VP pick. Take Karen Bass, for example.

She got pretty unlucky with her first name. The internet is full of “don’t be a Karen” memes so she is a sitting duck for jokes about her.

But there is also some concern over her love for Fidel Castro.

Fidel Castro. During his five decades of rule, he set up a repressive society for virtually everyone in Cuba. He indiscriminately denied people basic freedom, dissidents were beaten, jailed or killed – including journalists – and the poor medical and economic conditions for his people were never a concern. It was a complete dictatorship that pushed people to risk their lives to defect or traverse difficult waters to escape to the USA.

Four years ago Karen Bass said Fidel’s death was an incredible loss for the Cuban people. That would be like telling a woman with a black eye and broken arm seeking help at a battered women’s shelter that it’s too bad her husband wasn’t around to help her.

At the time, Karen didn’t live under a rock. She had been to Cuba many, many times. She had seen first hand the conditions of the people.

So, while most saw Castro’s death as a glimmer of hope – the possibility of the end to the repression and fear that Fidel wielded… the news of his death was met with sadness by Bass? For the Cuban people? She knew the situation there for forty years, intimately. And, she chose to Tweet that his death was a great loss to the people of Cuba anyway.

But now, four years later, she says she wouldn’t make the same post again. She understands that it was hurtful to the Cuban-Americans (now that she needs their votes) and understands that the human rights violations perpetrated on the Cuban citizens were probably bad and that glorifying Fidel probably wasn’t the right thing to do.

That took her forty years of study. To decide that Fidel’s death wasn’t a “great loss.”

Not exactly quick on her feet. And Cuban-Americans make up a lot of votes in the swing state of Florida. My guess? My team won’t pick her.

Because she’s a Karen. I think I used that right.

Come on, man.

I once said I would announce my VP pick BY August 1. Then I said ON August 1st. Then I said by August 8. Now, my team says “sometime” in August, probably by end of the second week.

Trump has the motto, “Promise Made, Promises Kept.” I think my motto should be something like, “Government as Usual. We work at any speed we want to, no matter what promises we make, or what the people need or want, because we will tell you what you need or want and you’ll just probably get NEITHER what you REALLY need or want.”

That seems like kind of a long motto. Maybe I can get one of the team members to sweeten that up a little for marketing purposes.

There were a few successful online fundraisers in past few weeks. Trump had his first virtual fundraiser on July 20 and raised $20 million. Wow. But I had my share of a bunch of fundraisers. This past week, one with two potential VP picks – comrade Karen Bass (raised $2 mill) and Pocahontas Elizabeth’s yesterday ($1.6 mill). Not bad. We also had the big Streisand extravaganza with John Legend, Jay Leno and others, the one I wasn’t awake to attend, which raised about $750k.

When someone tells me who the pick will be and when I can announce it, I hope they let me out of the basement for it. And make sure the video actually works this time, not like a few of the mishaps last week. Who am I kidding?! Something this important I’ll have to record in advance so I can have multiple attempts to get it right and/or highly edit it to look good…. and not try to competently do the announcement live. That could be iffy.

$20 million on one Trump online fundraiser? I’m sure that doesn’t show enthusiasm or that people really want him back another four years. That would be impossible. Right?

Come on, man.

Shucky Ducky. I think that was Herman Cain’s favorite thing to say. The guy was unapologetically happy, positive, and full of energy all the time.

Cain was an American success story. His mother was a cleaning woman and his dad worked three jobs to buy their house. They grew up poor but happy. After graduating with a math degree he went on to get a computer science degree and then took the business world by storm.

He was fun to watch as a candidate in the 2000 and 2012 Presidential election cycles.

I still have an autographed book by the guy. And a T-Shirt Jill sometimes wears for Pajamas that says 9-9-9.

I can’t say much bad about the guy except that he was black. Black isn’t bad, folks. But, he was educated and a businessman and a Tea Party guy. A black conservative. The worst kind. A black voter for the bad Orange man. It’s as if he was never told the simple truth. Government will help you get a better life. You can’t, as a black man, do it on your own. Blame your inability to get ahead on everyone around you. You are in an impossible situation because you are black; there is nothing you can do. Look to the Government to provide.

Herman? The guy used his own two hands, his own brain, his own common sense, hard work, and spirituality to get ahead in life. He refused to be a victim, and he never was. He didn’t back down from a fight, but he didn’t fight dirty either.

He was given only a 30 percent chance to live a few years ago with cancer – and beat that. He was a fighter. But, in the end he died while fighting COVID-19.

Of course my team, the media, my supporters are trying to make him out as some kind of crazy person, a COVID-19 “denier”. They have posted stuff about Trump killing him and a picture of him not wearing a mask.

This guy? Cain started off most of his own broadcasts over the past few months like this:

“Social distance. Wash your hands. It works. Use hand sanitizer. Wear a mask. It works. Take the Coronavirus seriously. Help stop the spread of this disease.”

But, the media is amazing. They can take a guy who was in jail for felony child abuse or that punched a pregnant woman or used a gun and other violence towards others including children and women – they can take people like that and hold them in high regard, erase their horrific pasts. Make them saints. No one is even allowed to ask about their checkered pasts or mistakes because that would be racist. Pointing out facts? Racist.

And then, here, they can take a good guy, a happy man loved by most people, who had a positive and uplifting story, a positive and truthful message at all times – they can take this good man and make him out to be a demon. Or politicize his death because it helps their side. They also can bring up that he was one of the first #metoo casualties after he was reported to drop out of one of his races for sexual harassment or an affair.

He was a positive, black leader. A cancer surviver. An great guy. I certainly wouldn’t have wanted to run against a guy like him. But, the media spin is incredible. Just so powerful. You would think the guy was a complete moron, a goof, a science denier, and a sexual predator. Amazing.

His was in a high risk category – cancer, age, etc. (like me) but chose to travel the county doing what he loved: spreading his strong voice, no-nonsense approach, and just being with people. In the end, he chose to live his life and it is very sad that Herman became a victim to this Corona pandemic. Except for those, like me, who can use his death, twist it, and use that against Trump. We are gleeful. Another nail in the coffin for Trump; one less vote for Trump.

It is an amazing thing to own the media! Brilliant. Little sad, but….

Come on, man.