Month: August 2020

Day 4 finished up with an awesome firework show last night. Happy we could finish the Convention with a bang.

My staff HAS to criticize small things like the fact I never smiled, sounded angry, and kinda bungled a line and said:

“There has never been anything we’ve been able to accomplish when we’ve done it together”

Completely reasonable mixup of words. Not a gaffe. Just misspoke. Not at all a “Freudian Slip” or a subconscious belief of what I really think about my 100 years in politics.

Today was like Day 5 of the Convention. Big Hollywood fundraiser. I think we raised $7 million in one night. Katzenberg deal. Too bad Harvey Weinstein is unavailable, he was always helpful to our party – holding large scale fundraisers for Obama in 2011, 2012, and 2013. Then, a big one for Hillary in 2016. But my team says he’s busy with something, so that’s my loss.

There was one thing I thought was interesting in my speech. Can’t remember what it was right now. But there was something interesting.

Hopefully I get the weekend off. After a few hours a day of work this week, I deserve it! Right?!

Come on, man.

Ok, so I am confused. Totally confused. Little recap of some of my thoughts.

1. Cuomo – chosen to talk about Coronavirus China Flu response. And how great NY was. And how bad Trump was. Never mind that he personally ordered positive Covid cases into retirement and long term facilities that led to thousands of deaths. His own mandate. And that there are many times that he personally thanked Trump and federal government for their response. On camera. Even I know that.
   
2. Clinton – and then we get Bill “I did not have sex with that woman” Clinton to say what should or shouldn’t happen in the Oval Office. I’m pretty sure that is the best example of hypocrisy in the history of the US. Monica, anyone?
   
3. Kamala – she says something like “I’m going to protect the people and ensure justice for all”?? Really? Comma La? Who refused to look into or prosecute people who were reported numerous times to have abused and sexually battered children. Internet searches exist still, right? I never know with big tech on our side, maybe they can erase her past?
   
4. Michelle Obama – “Joe and me and Barack have empathy. Democrats have empathy.” As #wrongtrump was trending on twitter accounts the other day when Robert Trump died. Empathy? She slammed Trump for kids in cages, which actually happened under me and Barack.
   And “Trump is in over his head” said no one to me ever. “Biden is over his head” is what I hear on Zooms calls daily when they think I’m not listening. Kidding, of course. It’s more like “keep him in the basement, he really cannot do this.” Totally different.
   
5. Barack – gives us a history and constitutional lesson. Even for those, like me, who admire the guy…. he is not the President to give lectures on what the Presidential powers should be. He has been described as the “most lawless” President in history. A President who saw himself as personally and professionally above the law… time and time again ignoring the executive branch’s legal limits and disrespecting constitutional bounds like federalism and the separation of powers. Well, with Barack, he looked great and sounded great. So what came out of his mouth probably not an issue at all. I wonder if I can fit into his suit? He looked amazing.
   
6. Dr. Jill – perfect in every way. Move on. The rest of the speakers were a little iffy. But I heard people are not even watching … so it should be fine.

Maybe I’m being too picky. I mean it’s just politics. It’s like:

1. We say: “Voting by mail is great.” While New Jersey orders a new election because of mail-in ballot fraud. And 1 in 5 votes weren’t counted in NY because there were problems with mail-in ballots. Nothing to see here.
2. We say “no Democrat wants open borders” while we push to decriminalize illegal border crossing and prop up sanctuary cities, proving we want open borders. Reality isn’t reality.
3. We say, “Democrats don’t want to kill babies” while we push for and put in place laws that allow for abortions up to the minute a mother is giving birth to a viable baby in two states and push to require tax paid and insurance paid abortions at every turn. It is what it is.

I don’t know. I have my big speech tonight. Can’t wait to read what my platform is! Oh, wait, I think I recorded it already. Well, will be fun to watch it to see what my platform is! Good stuff, I’m sure. I remember wishing I could have said more about Hunter, but for some reason they said no.

Come on, man.

Great day for me. Third time is the charm, as they say. I’ve basically been running for longer than most of my voters have been alive – my first run for President was in 1988. Or 87. Sometime after Footloose and before Weekend at Bernies. Funny how I can remember those things.

What’s amazing about Jill? She looks great in any color. And she helps me remember the day of the week. And.. her recorded speech was amazing. Just amazing. Sure, some of my staff said it was great until the end when I came in and made it awkward with some weird mumbling. Harsh. They’re the ones that drug me out of the basement thinking I would be a good addition to the video — so that’s on them.

If there is one thing I learned watching the DNC tonight is that John Forbes Kerry is a dead ringer for Herman Munster. Except he’s 1/2 as lively and 1/4 as interesting. Ha.

Bill Stevenson, Jill’s ex-husband says he has dirt on us. He plans to release a book soon with claims about Jill and I having an affair while they were still married. If I can find Hillary’s number (which I have tried hard to lose), I’ll see if she can help with the situation. She’s always saying she wants to be helpful and this situation seems uniquely relevant to her. I’m pretty sure “Suicide” is the third leading cause of death for people with dirt on the Clintons – eclipsing the death rate of COVID-19 even. Maybe she would have some ideas on how to shut the book down or shut him up? Once the affair is out there and picked up by the media that I don’t have bought off, I don’t think it will help our “soul of America” campaign….

Too bad I’m not a Republican. I would have picked Kim Klacik as my VP. But, I think Comma La will be fine. I know people are mostly kidding when they say she’s working on picking her VP right now because I won’t make it to the finish line … but if I have to listen to her laugh much more I really won’t make it. Seriously. I think Mark Twain said something about laughter being the best weapon men have. Well, her laughter is definitely an assault weapon on my brain. I’m not gonna make it.

Come on, man.

I know that I’m not that smart, but I know what I know.

Few recaps.

1. Michelle Obama. Beautiful. Excellent speech. Except she says nothing about historic Black woman VP. I guess she recorded her speech a week ago and then couldn’t be bothered to record an update after Comma La got the nod. What? First black woman to be on a Presidential ticket. And nothing? A busy schedule … couldn’t miss her nail appointment? “She hates politics” – well guess what, folks, tonight she made me hate politics, too.
   
2. Why does everyone hate America? Does that really play with the moderates we are trying to win? The swing states? If so, then I’m dumber than I think I am.
   
3. John Kasich is a bore. Who cares what he thinks anyway? Guy from Ohio, if that really is the name of a state —- he actually looks like a potato if a potato suddenly became a boring human. And people say I’m boring. Crap. I fell asleep twice during his speech.
   
4. Couldn’t tell if Bernie was upset or happy. He’s animated. Kind of reminds me of the comedian Larry David. Little socialist for my taste, but my team thinks he’s a moderate…. and I guess I will be the most progressive President ever. If they say so. They are making all my decisions, after all. I’m lucky I get to pick my own breakfast. Sometimes.

Day 2 tomorrow. How many days is this thing? How many speeches do we need that say nothing but “Orange Man Bad”? Does anyone care?

I don’t know. Literally, I’m just worn out. I had Saturday and Sunday off and have been trying to get my recorded acceptance speech done and it’s nearly been the death of me. Who could have imagined that campaigning from home would be this taxing?

Come on, folks.

I’m 77 years old. I have good days and bad days. In my more lucid moments, I enjoy reading my daily briefing, playing solitaire on my tablet, and talking to the ducks in the pond.

On these good days, I ask my team to let me out of the freaking basement already. But, they continually say “no” because of the threat of COVID-19 or the China Communist Party Virus. Usually, I agree. But…. I also know that they think it’s a good strategy to keep me hidden. So what is the biggest factor in the decision to keep me in the basement? How bad is this killer virus rampaging the world?

I know I’m not super great at math, but I checked the math on this virus thing from the briefing this morning. And it was alarming. But not in the way I thought. Here is what I started with, in rough numbers:

Global population: 7,800,000,000
Global Covid cases: 21,600,000
Global Covid deaths: 769,000

Now, these numbers were too big for me to conceptualize and understand. Kinda like the stimulus packages or current US Debt. So, I simply drew a line through five zeros in each example, across the board, so I could visualize the carnage occurring that is keeping me locked in the basement. This is what I got which is much easier to understand:

Global population: 78,000

Global cases: 216

Global deaths: 8 (rounded up)

So 8 out of every 78,000 people on earth have died …. that’s one in every 10,000 people… ish. I really truly think that it is horrible to have ANY deaths, of course. But, it doesn’t really sound like it’s ravaging and raging through the Global population.

What about the good ole’ USA?

I got confused trying the same trick. So I just used a plain calculator. So far, it appears that we have had 0.05% of the US population die because of Covid or while having Covid… That is a little less than a half of a half of a half of a half of one percent.

Seriously. A half of a half of a half of a half of one percent.

Which is GREAT news. Again, HORRIBLE that there have been ANY deaths, of course. But, seems to me like it’s not a CRAZY killer taking people out like wildfire racing through a dry field. (That’s exactly the description from CNN, for example).

And there are ways to minimize risks. Like mask wearing, washing hands, hand sanitizing, and social distancing.

If you watch TV, you would think that stepping outside would mean sheer and instant death. And that this China flu meant we were all close to guaranteed death.

But, even looking into the percentage of number of deaths in the US, Covid is only attributed to about 1/2 a percent of all deaths. And, only 6% of these deaths list Covid as the only cause. 94% of the people who have died had comorbidities listed on their death certificates. So, I think that this means death by Coronavirus alone in percentage of all deaths is really small. About a half of a half of a half of a half of a half of a percent. I think I got that math right….

At age 77, it’s not a virus I want to catch. Obviously. And, I don’t want to make light of this virus. People do die from it every day.

But if the team wanted me out there campaigning, there are plenty of ways to keep me safe. Trump offered rapid test machines to me and my team. We can do testing. We can have socially distanced events. The media can stay on one side of the room and I’ll be on the other. We could have town halls with limited people in person and a bunch calling in on one of those Zoom thingys. My campaign could be much more connected to people. I could be.

The President of the US needs to be prepared to solve major issues — poverty, problems in the education system, immigration, DACA, healthcare, the environment, global issues, peace …. literally the most demanding and challenging position on Earth. And I’m asking the American people to trust me with these problems. And I can’t even figure out how to leave my basement. Because of something that is a half of a half of a half of a half of a half of one percent of all the deaths in the US this year.

Meanwhile Trump is hanging with his friends with no masks on at what he described as a “peaceful protest” at his Bedminster Golf Club. And brokering Middle East peace deals, and negotiating stimulus packages, and meeting with the press, and giving press conferences, and meeting with different constituent groups. All in one day, sometimes.

So the “alarming” takeaway from this data? That it’s possible that the ONLY reason I’m stuck in my basement is that they think I’m a horrible candidate and need to be hidden from the voters as much as possible. That is alarming to me and, furthermore….. I don’t think that it is possible that I’m the only one that has figured this all out, right?

Come on, man.

So New York, every year, has a tribute for 9/11 by reading the names of the victims and shining two blue lights where the Towers were. It’s normally a somber and powerful tribute, something that unifies NYC and our country. A quick reminder of our togetherness – that no matter what our personal beliefs or race or religion or sex or political side – we are all Americans. Resilient. We are a melting pot. We can hold hands together and remember that we are one. We have a common interest and common thread. We can help each other and love each other – in spite of our difference – and also because of our differences. It is what truly makes America great. We do. The people do. In all sizes, colors, and in all areas. When one of us hurts, we all do. But we persevere and help our neighbors, we support our neighbors, we pray for our neighbors and we cry for our neighbors. It’s who we are.

Except this year. “It’s not safe,” DeBozzo Blasio says. “It’s not safe for a crew of 40 to set up some lights.” Even though he himself had a crowd of 100+ a number of recent times painting slogans on streets or together for one cause or another. “It’s not safe,” he says as he opens bars, restaurants, schools, gyms…

What does he really mean? He doesn’t want to. And that’s good for me and him and the divisive rhetoric of the campaigns. He thinks that remembering people who sacrifice for others and taking time to figure out the way it would be possible to continue the tribute safely – for first responders who died or who are still suffering – it’s not on his political agenda. It’s not divisive enough. It would paint police in too good of a light. It might bring people together. As Americans.

Even the numbers 9 1 1. Those number themselves might make people think of the police. Positively. Like a safety net. 1000-2000 calls every 30 minutes are going to 911 in Chicago right now. If you dial 911 anywhere – help is on the way. We all know it. We know there are a few bad apples or human mistakes that cause horrific tragedies within the police. But we also all know, without exception, that largely, police are saving Americans daily. And risking their own lives to do it. They are catching sex traffickers, murderers, rapists, they are investigating people that take advantage of the weak, the frail, the elderly and the young children. The police are good. We know it. But that’s not a message we can say out loud.

A little bit of me dies every day watching America and our collective values crumble ….and knowing my party’s part in all of this … some days it is like getting slapped in the face.

Especially now knowing those videos I thought were filmed in Beirut were actually Chicago and Portland.

I know I have no say. I have no input. I once thought I did. But I finally have figured that out. I didn’t understand why I was in the basement and not allowed to to talk to the press. But, today I know. Maybe I’ll forget tomorrow, but I will have this lucid post to look back on.

I have a purpose. I’m a known name. I was VP to Obama. I can read a teleprompter, for the most part. I can stay in the basement.

I’ve resigned myself to my part. Maybe Hunter or some friends or family can get some money out of my Presidential run. Maybe Comma La will be a good President. I know my place. I have a big week at the Democratic Convention coming up. I’ll read those teleprompters and try and look like I know what I’m saying. Or that I believe what I’m saying. And I’ll hope for the best. I have a feeling, deep and scary, that I am helping lead to the downfall of America and all the values I really believe in.

But at least I’ll be President. And that’s something. Maybe all that matters. Not the people. Not what’s right, not being a positive force – not even for the soul of America. Just for my legacy. And that’s my thoughts for this moment. Screw everybody. Sounds about right.

Come on, man.

I google myself and check my Twitter feed now and then and today I saw that someone impersonating me tweeted “82 days” which confused me because my birthday is in 98 days so I’m not sure what’s up with that tweet.

I have some random thoughts today. Like most days.

I get a lot of my news from the New York Times so I didn’t hear about the 5 year old Cameron Hinnant who was shot in the head by his neighbor. In front of his sisters. While riding his bike. Sad story.

But I did see in the Times how I helped broker a diplomatic deal with Israel and UAE. I absolutely had nothing to do with it. But, I read that I released a statement saying I personally met with the UAE and Israel to do this apparently during the Obama-Biden administration. So, even though UAE and Israel thanked Trump publicly, the Times says they should have been thanking me. Or at least that’s how I read it. Nice to have friends in the media. Or the media fully backing me. Or the media as just an extension of my campaign team.

Oh, another thing I didn’t read in the New York Times? Anything about Ibrahim Bouaichi. He’s some guy that was let out of prison because of Covid fears then went and killed the woman he was accused of raping.
Or about Alphonso Washington. He apparently stabbed a hotel guest and stomped on his throat and robbed him. Alphonso was a convicted murderer and homeless man the tax payers were paying to stay in the hotel before he attacked this guest on his way to visit his family who stopped in the hotel for a little shuteye and respite from tough weather conditions.

Well, those things didn’t actually happen in New York, maybe that’s why?

But I also have yet to see anything about the homeless convicted sex offenders — pedophiles — being moved into luxury hotels very near playgrounds and schools in New York, all funded by the tax payers – the tax payers that send their kids to those schools. This endangering of children, which I’m pretty sure is illegal, is in New York. But not a mention in the Times? I think one of the men overpowered and raped a four year old girl and one, a 6 year old boy. But, I’m sure placing them next to the elementary school was the best option and not newsworthy at all.

I’m not sure how The NY Times picks their stories. But the front page today had stories about the Tea Party being a “fringe right wing group” and how Trump is planning to undercut the election by refusing to give the post office a shit ton of increased funding and how my search for Kamala forged new stars and friends. Seems like very objective reporting. I’ve heard they pick stories that fit a certain narrative, but that can’t be correct. They are a respective NEWS outlet, not a partisan group of leftists as Trump and the former executive editor or the former opinion editor or a few former columnists would have you believe.

Come on, man.

All my scripts have been changed to say “Comma La for my VP” not Kamala so I can pronounce her name correctly. So, I only got it wrong 7 times today and only 1 time on camera.

I did forget my wife’s name a few times. It’s like that SpongeBob episode where he has to clear his mind of everything but fine dining and breathing, and he forgets his own name. I focused so much on pronouncing Comma La’s name right, I forgot a lot. Like the day, the year, my wife’s name and why I was out of the basement. But, I read the teleprompter ok. Just ok? Just ok. “Ok, see you in there.” I love those commercials. “Guess who just got reinstated. Well not officially.”

I wonder how Planned Parenthood can tell the pimps of sex trafficked child sex workers who are age 14 how to lie to get their child victims abortions — and have no issues. Just go pick up more checks from the tax payers and keep performing the abortions….Nothing to see here.

However, if a couple of guys try to keep their gym open in New Jersey, they go to jail, have their business license stripped and face fines, penalties…

Things remain very confusing to me. Like how to use a phone. Mind boggling.

And now that the peaceful protestors (that look very violent) have looted all the stores in Chicago, can I take reparations off my platform? Surely the Gucci and Chanel purses have to count for something. Or maybe that’s a stimulus check to help them eat? Gucci purses taste great, I’ve heard.

Thank goodness I have this private diary to write in. Also, it was nice to have Comma La here in person. Wherever I was, I kinda forgot now. Does it matter? Maybe it was the moon. I should’ve made the VP announcement on the moon. Now that would have been cool. Maybe that’s somewhere Comma La would be popular.

Come on, man.

After mispronouncing Kamala 172 times, we decided to scrap the recorded VP announcement for now and just release some texts and a press release that say Kamala is the VP pick.

I’m still a little unsure why I need to pick and announce a VP. I thought I was the VP.

But…. At this point I should focus on my platform…. we just need to teach more Islam in school. And make 11 million illegal immigrants citizens. And raise taxes. And listen to AOC more. And kick the Orange man out of the White House. This is a winning ticket! Biden Harris 2016.

Come on, man.

After Jill explained that Portland was in Oregon and not Lebanon, she had to explain that the video clips I was watching of the rioting in Chicago – that those were in Illinois and not in Lebanon also. Little hard for me to believe that these Democratic mayors and governors would let this rioting and looting continue. Don’t they know that this could hurt my Presidential run?

Then there is California. A Democrat is assured a victory in CA. But why? The Democrats running the place don’t exactly instill confidence in the party. Let’s look at the facts, folks:

California has the largest economy in the US. If it was its own country, it would be the fifth largest economy in the world. Sounds good, right?

But what do they do with all the money? What do they accomplish?

Well, US News and World Report ranks California as #49 out of 50 in Opportunity.

California has four cities that are on the list of the ten the worst cities in America for homelessness. San Francisco’s homeless situation has been called a human rights violation and has seen homeless numbers rise by over 30 percent in past few years.

According to Safteywise, violent crimes in CA are 21% worse than the US average.

Governor Newsome admitted recently that they spent near the bottom of the pack of all the states on education. And it shows. CA public education is often ranked very low in terms of quality and safety.

Outdated computer systems and incompetence has ranked California amongst the worst in processing Unemployment claims. The computer system apparently hasn’t been updated since the Eisenhower administration.

Prior to the pandemic, during historically low unemployment across the US, major cities in CA still had double digit unemployment numbers.

In June 2020, CA had the 5th worst unemployment.

California road infrastructure ranks 7th worst in the country. The infrastructure in CA is often described as “crumbing”.

According to Forbes, the state’s debt is so large, it’s hard to calculate and may be well over $2 trillion.

CA has the highest personal tax rate in the country and has a bill in the works to increase the top rate by 54%. The current rate has prompted companies and individuals to flee the state in record numbers. The new hike may send even more out to more favorable tax states like Texas or Florida.

CA has a very high cost of living and the largest personal debt to income ratio in the country.

The 2018 ranking in US News and World Report had CA ranked dead last in quality of life.

Healthcare? California is ranked 34th by wallethub. The Agency for Healthcare Research and Quality ranked CA in the bottom 10 in US.

Los Angeles recently received the nickname of “City of Rats” – not sure if that’s from the number of rats or describing the politicians. But, seriously, only Chicago has more rats than Los Angeles. Again, I’m pretty sure they were talking about rodents, but is about the same with the politicians in Chicago and LA.

I believe the nickname for San Francisco is officially changing from “The Golden City” to “The Glistening Poop and Shining Needle Lined Streets City with a Ton of Crime”. Doesn’t have the same ring to it, but sounds more accurate.

California – the most Democrats in the nation. The Democrats run everything. They have a Super Majority in both houses of the State Legislature. They have a Democratic Governor and most of the mayors in the state are Democrats. You would think with all these Democrats and such a large economy that they would be doing a little better in some of these. Not the bottom 10 in almost everything….!

California stats make Democrats look pretty, pretty bad. Democrats are in total charge and the state is run into to ground. Like a microcosm of what would happen to America? With stats like these, who needs enemies?

But, no one seems to understand, which is great for me. Count those 55 Electoral College votes – the most of any state – for me.

The TV is back to showing clips from Chicago last night. No way that is in the US. It’s definitely video clips from Beirut and not Chicago. What is this, fake news?

Come on, man.