Great day for me. Third time is the charm, as they say. I’ve basically been running for longer than most of my voters have been alive – my first run for President was in 1988. Or 87. Sometime after Footloose and before Weekend at Bernies. Funny how I can remember those things.
What’s amazing about Jill? She looks great in any color. And she helps me remember the day of the week. And.. her recorded speech was amazing. Just amazing. Sure, some of my staff said it was great until the end when I came in and made it awkward with some weird mumbling. Harsh. They’re the ones that drug me out of the basement thinking I would be a good addition to the video — so that’s on them.
If there is one thing I learned watching the DNC tonight is that John Forbes Kerry is a dead ringer for Herman Munster. Except he’s 1/2 as lively and 1/4 as interesting. Ha.
Bill Stevenson, Jill’s ex-husband says he has dirt on us. He plans to release a book soon with claims about Jill and I having an affair while they were still married. If I can find Hillary’s number (which I have tried hard to lose), I’ll see if she can help with the situation. She’s always saying she wants to be helpful and this situation seems uniquely relevant to her. I’m pretty sure “Suicide” is the third leading cause of death for people with dirt on the Clintons – eclipsing the death rate of COVID-19 even. Maybe she would have some ideas on how to shut the book down or shut him up? Once the affair is out there and picked up by the media that I don’t have bought off, I don’t think it will help our “soul of America” campaign….
Too bad I’m not a Republican. I would have picked Kim Klacik as my VP. But, I think Comma La will be fine. I know people are mostly kidding when they say she’s working on picking her VP right now because I won’t make it to the finish line … but if I have to listen to her laugh much more I really won’t make it. Seriously. I think Mark Twain said something about laughter being the best weapon men have. Well, her laughter is definitely an assault weapon on my brain. I’m not gonna make it.
Come on, man.