Month: July 2020

I’m getting tired of counting the ceiling tiles in my basement so I started googling things. I figure you can find out most answers to your questions by using google. Here’s how that went:

1. Google:When will I leave my basement?
   Answer: Hmmm … lots to say on this including Obama strategists say “lock me in”, Huff Post says I have problems that staying in the basement won’t solve, and a few harsh “he’s hiding his incompetence in the basement” — but actually no answer as to when I get out. So, not all answers can be found on google.
2. Google: who is my VP pick? Answer: Apparently one of the most consequential VP picks in the modern era and I have four black women on the list still. Good to know. My team has been avoiding talking to me about my VP pick since I suggested picking Kim Kardashian a few days ago. I’m supposed to make the announcement in approximately 10 days so…. I guess I’ll know soon.
3. Google: Is a hot dog a sandwich? I think it is, but the answers I saw were very mixed. And some poll said only 32 percent of Americans think a hot dog is a sandwich. But who believes polls anyway these days!?
   

At least I have a fun virtual event with Barbra Streisand, John Legend, Mayor Pete and Jay Leno and a few others on Sunday to look forward to. Maybe there is something on the schedule before then and someone will let me know soon.

I did see some hype on Trump taunting me to do an hour interview with Chris Wallace. Ha. Fat chance. I think my team might let me do seven minutes tops (if they get the questions ahead of time).

Come on, man.

Great news! John Lewis died. No, that’s not the great news. It’s never great news when someone dies. And John was a giant on civil rights. He was only like four feet tall, but towered over everyone on being a generally great guy.

He was arrested like 50 times during the Civil Rights movement in the 60s. He even had his skull fractured on a bridge as he marched for voting or something. His actions have touched everyone. Obama even said something about John Lewis paving the way for him to be President. Great guy. A giant among mere men.

It is sad now, even after all these years, all the protesting John participated in and all the protests over the years, our peaceful protests still sometimes end with people getting severely injured. Even today. Like the policeman in LA that had his skull broken during the peaceful protests there, or the seven police officers hit with bats last week that suffered fractured eye sockets and other injuries while protecting those marching for peace in NYC. Horrific acts of violence for people just at peaceful protests.

But, I forgot what I was going to say about John. He was great. A unifier. I mean, he refused to attend the inauguration for Bush or Trump. But he didn’t want to. So, that’s fine. He was still a unifier, unless sometimes he didn’t agree with you. But, generally, mostly, really great.

John Lewis is someone we should make a statue of. It might be good to also put up giant sign on it that says “don’t tear down this one” – just in case.

The great news!? It gives me something to do. A speech for his memorial. Obviously they will make me record it, can’t go in person, can’t speak without a teleprompter. And lots of practice. But making a recorded brief statement of support for this great guy, better than doing nothing. It kinda sucks he isn’t alive to campaign for me as he promised he would, he would be a big help for the black votes. But, I’ll probably leave that out of my speech. Who am I kidding? I will have no input in this or anything else, for that matter. But, at least it gives me something to do. A 2-7 minute statement will likely take 2-7 days to record to get it right. So, I’ll have something to keep me busy, and that’s great!
RIP John Lewis! And thanks for everything.

Come on, man.

I’m trying to figure out my life. Running for President is definitely nothing like I expected. I was expecting cheers and crowds and hand-shaking and baby kissing and shoulder stroking and long hugs and hair sniffing. What do I have? Well, right now I’m stuck in my cold basement and feel like I’m in the middle of the most boring class at Junior College.

The team says I have to learn a ton before I’m allowed outside again. Here are a a few of the vocab homework words I need to learn and understand:

White Fragility:

Its not what it sounds like. It doesn’t describe me although it sounds like it: white, frail, old.
At this point I recognize that I do look frail and fragile – you can literally see through my skin now after spending 4 months in the dark basement and then worse, when I do venture out, it looks like a strong wind might blow me over and my hip would shatter.

Anyway, It’s not about me. It’s something about racism and I’m definitely not a racist and will punch anyone that says I am.

I would write the definition of white fragility here in my diary so that I could refer back to it, but I did zone out when the team described it to me for what seemed like the 50th time. I wanted to say, “look, I didn’t get it the first 49 times you explained to me and I’m not listening anymore” but instead I nodded my head and looked off into space and hoped they wouldn’t ask me to ever discuss or explain my feelings on whatever this is.

Micro aggression –

Another doozy. I wrote this one down as:

Quotidian racial slights that make a person feel marginalized

From the definition, I was slightly confused, but then they went through the top 100 things I have said that would count as microagressions like:

“Dr. Jill will do the dishes – that’s women’s work”

or when I laughed at the idea of taking a female VP until the pollsters went through the positive voting ramifications

or when I called my campaign manager “girl” and asked her to get us some coffee so the boys could get down to business

or some of the more famous things I have said in public like “poor kids are just as bright as white kids” or that Obama is the first black “articulate and clean” candidate… or … well, there was a long list.

After more time to think about this – I have to say that I think they marginalize me all the time. I’m going to have to complain of ageism. First, they direct most questions at anyone but me. They assume I will forget where I am or stumble through my answers incoherently if left to my own thoughts without a ton of rehearsing. They go so far as to tell me what to think. All the time. It’s not just my team. Google even is mocking me. When I googled white fragility to try to understand it, I got a “pop-up” for a 3 minute Dementia self-assessment test. It’s just crazy and mean.

I took the test and got “moderate” indication of dementia, so I probably won’t mention that to anyone. But, that’s not the point.

I’m tired of being marginalized. I’m not going to study the rest of their dumb list like anthropogenic, white privilege, climate change, defund, umami, canceled, ACAB, peaceful, Karen, socioeconomic politics, DM, Tweet, Retweet, WiFi, voting rights, women’s rights, equality, entrepreneurs, business, freedom, government overreach, economic stagnation, listening to AOC: when radical becomes too radical —- just a long list of stuff they think I don’t understand.

I’m not going to learn any of it. I’m going to yell upstairs for Dr. Jill to bring me lunch and a blanket for my lap and then binge watch Veep; it’s hilarious. I have nothing else going on. My schedule is pretty clear. I would think that as the next President of the US, I should be much more busy. But I actually feel like the most non-essential person on the planet and very marginalized.

I assume my team will eventually reach out and tell me what to do next. Until then? More TV in the basement. Dr. Jill will have to help me there, too, I can’t figure out how to use the remote or where to find recorded programs on my tablet. That’s normal, right?

Come on, man.

Seems like using children as political props isn’t the way to go. A true medical pandemic has now been hijacked to play politics to the detriment of the children.

I have already said that my administration would be “teacher focused” – never mind that common sense would say that education should be “student focused” and that we are failing children across the country by continuing to waste more and more money on large school bureaucracy and less and less on teachers and students. “Teacher focused” gets me the teacher union support I need. No matter what, every word I say should get me votes. My administration isn’t concerned about results or actions we will take right now. It’s concerned about rhetoric that will sound good to voters.

My admin won’t likely be concerned about actions or results after I’m elected either. Or about the voters who came out to vote for me – but that’s a topic for another time.

So. We are back to politics. We value truth over facts. Our truth. Not the facts.

Facts would support getting children back to school. But we prefer the truth that fear is a giant motivator and the more we push fear and hide me in the basement, the better my campaign is. So, I’m for teachers ….but against school for kids. That’s what the focus group said would play the best.

But what would actually BE best? Well, depends on who you ask. Harvard Global Health Institute, Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Health – they say students should be back in school in the fall with minor modifications. The great people at CNN, MSNBC, NY Times – they say “no way should we allow the precious children go back to the scary world especially since Trump says they should.”

What’s Trump good at? Getting people to push for exact opposite of what he wants. And for coming up with catchy nicknames or slogans. The one I heard yesterday was great:

Jobs not Mobs.

Obviously implying that he and the Republicans are for Jobs while me and the Democrats are for Mobs. Brilliant. I’ve honestly forgotten more about politics than Trump has learned, but gotta admit he’s good with the short and memorable nicknames and such.

I’m definitely not for opening up schools since Trump is for it. Obama did tease me once that I thought a school we visited was a petting zoo since I couldn’t keep my hands off the kids. But, really, kids’ hair is so smooth and buttery. Who could blame me? Not sure how I got the “Creepy Joe” nickname anyway.

Come on, man.

I may have become a little obsessed with that guy running against me – Kanye. It’s a weird thing to admit, so I won’t. But I knew nothing about him a few days ago. Now, it’s like watching a train wreck and I cannot stop learning about Kanye. So many massive rabbit holes to fall down as I read, listen, and watch stuff about Kanye Omari West. He’s 40 and seems to have lived 100 lives.

Not really about Kanye, but in my massive undertaking trying to figure the guy out (note to self to figure out if he’s eligible to be President if he’s from Wakanda) I found something interesting….

www.heyjackass.com

I’m not entirely sure how I found it – but some perfect storm of google searches. Obama called Kanye jackass, some kid named Chance from Chicago likes Kanye, blah blah… and wham www.heyjackass.com

It’s this amazing website that is all about the gun shootings in Chicago. I had no idea that someone is shot every 2 hours and 22 minutes in Chicago. And someone is killed in a gun incident every 12 hours. It shows where they were shot both geographically and also where on their body. I think I’ll ask my team if we can go to Chicago for, what I’m assuming has to be massive protests about this horrific number of deaths. The numbers are much larger than last year and 77 percent of the victims – Black! BLM. I’m sure there will be protests! Right?

I gotta get back to my searches on this Kanye guy and his friend Yeazy. Lots to learn.

17 days until I announce my VP pick. If it has to be a woman, I’m leaning towards Kim Kardashian. Which one of my team will have an aneurism when I suggest her? It’s brilliant but I have the feeling they might not agree.

Come on, man.

Brilliant. Simply brilliant.

Everyone knows the story of the boy who cried wolf. The shepherd boy tricks the townsfolk into thinking a wolf was coming. After a few times of this, they just ignored him when an actual wolf came. The moral? In a nutshell… don’t lie because then when you tell the truth no one will believe you. I guess.

But in my case, I think it’s like when you do something bad enough times, people just ignore it like it’s totally normal and acceptable.

Take plagiarism. Me or someone in my campaigns over the years have seemed to have a big problem with plagiarism. Maybe we are lazy, or don’t have ideas of our own. Maybe people in my circle just like using other people’s words. Who knows?

It started in law school where I “had trouble citing sources” with law papers. It appeared from time to time in speeches or ideas throughout my life. At one point, it was the reason I dropped out of a race. Over the years, though, I’ve “normalized” it so much that it’s just brilliantly acceptable that I have no ideas of my own and just “steal” ideas from others.

Take the new cornerstone of my agenda that I announced:

“Build Back Better”

Never mind that it was first used as a “slogan” by the UN in 2015. And then a number of times after including in a large climate change UN event in April of this year.

Never mind that it’s basically the same thing Trump has been saying for 5 years. Invest in America business, America first agenda. We can have the same or similar agendas sometime. People like it.

Some people say actions are more important that words. But, I’m pretty sure at this point no one wants to remember the hundreds of thousands of jobs lost overseas because of the actions we had the 8 years we were in White House. Our agenda that was NOT America first. They just want to hear the powerful rhetoric of the amazing slogan we stole:

Build Back Better

Sounds great! If the UN didn’t want us to use it then they should have Trademarked it.

Come on, man.

Lots going on this week. I think Slim Tim Walz asked for money from the federal government to help them with issues in MN. The peaceful protests have been estimated to cause about $500 million worth of damage in Minneapolis. It seems to make sense that the federal government would need to take money from people all over the country – Arizona, Florida, Mississippi, Louisiana – Taxpayers from EVERYWHERE to help Minnesota. Because Minnesota did nothing to stop the damage. And so, the rest of the people should pay. But apparently the guy usurping the throne in the White House said no, or I think that is how it was explained to me.

Realistically, I’m not sure even how long Minnesotans can hold their heads up without changing a lot about their state. I’ve been learning about racist words and cultural appropriation and harmful idioms. First, it’s not “the land of 10,000 lakes” – there are about 12,000 lakes. Shameful to lie like that. The name Minnesota was taken from a Sioux word for the major tributary – can they use a Native American word? Did they get permission? The state capitol is St. Paul and that is a name that has to go – a city named after an Apostle? It should go back to its original name “Pig’s Eye” if that’s not too offensive. Or go with Paul McCartney and they could just cross off the St. on most signs and glue on a McCartney easily. Or just replace St. with Sir! Sir Paul. Everyone loves the Beatles. A lot of people don’t like Paul, but it’s likely not as offensive as an actual Saint is. Pig’s Eye sounds appropriate. But, whatever. I win that state even if I stay in my basement so it really matters very little.

Speaking of racism and offending people – my team has been giving me lessons regarding things I have said recently:

1. Master Bedroom — I often talk about my Peloton in the Master Bedroom. I must learn to replace Master with Priority. Or I could just say “the room I sleep in.”
2. Genders – when asked about how many genders there are I should not just say “there are at least three” – just don’t answer, pretend I don’t hear the question. There is no right answer.
3. Accents – I’m not supposed to make fun of people with accents like when I said, “You cannot go to a 7-Eleven unless you have a slight Indian accent. I’m not joking” – apparently that’s pretty racist.
4. I shouldn’t make claims out loud that black people just “don’t know quite what to do,” when it comes to raising their children. Especially on a televised debate. Even if I believe that.
5. I should avoid idioms and jokes. I’m not good at either. And most of my jokes are racist. Like my favorite: How many stars did the Mexican restaurant get on Yelp? Answer: Only Juan.
6. Avoid saying pretty much anything unscripted. If I have to think for myself to answer a question just say “Thank you, I have to go.”

I don’t know why I get all the heat. Like I’m the only one that says offensive stuff or makes gaffes. Obama called Kanye a “jackass” and now Kanye’s running for President. Who’s the jackass now? It really makes you wonder how many pancakes fit in a canoe or why the birds keep following me. The ducks in my yard were loud and I kinda became friends with them. But this week at a campaign stop – all I could hear was chirp chirp chirp? Kinda strange. Birdsarentreal.com

I’m definitely being spied on.

Come on, man.

Dr. Jill is a great cook. Her best dish is Chicken Parmesan, and she makes a mean fried egg sandwich – but anything she makes, she makes with love.

She’s been trying to get me to eat healthier. I’m easy to please – will eat anything. But, all these months locked in my basement – she has made me try a lot of things.

Don’t tell the meat lobby or dairy lobby but I have really started to like these Goya Black Bean burgers. Kind of an acquired taste, but I love them. I put them on the shopping list and today was told, “sorry, Joe, they are all sold out. Weirdly, all Goya products were nearly sold out at the store.”

I thought it may be something still to do with the hoarding and the spike in positive Covid cases. But, they said it was actually because AOC has some tweet about Adobo and so a ton of people went out to buy Goya products who makes a great Adobo seasoning.

That girl is amazingly popular. One tweet and everyone rushes out to buy what she tweets about. Loved and followed by so many. I have her as an advisor, but I should really listen to her more.

I mean …. folks, she’s got something. She has more people watching her make soup live than I get to show up to my major campaign events. Not sure why. I don’t get it, wasn’t she just a bartender a few weeks ago? She doesn’t speak like she understands economics or has much common sense.

I feel like I saw her marching with a sign that said “Stop killing ducks to make duck tape.” I think they don’t kill ducks, I hope that’s not true!!? Probably not.

And she moves her arms around a lot – kinda freaks me out – like watching an octopus on an excessive amount of cocaine.

She does have more Twitter followers than me, the future President of the United States. Which is crazy. More people want to know what she is thinking and saying than me.

Also, apparently, there is some video of her dancing that has gotten more views than all my videos combined. I don’t get it, but maybe I’m just out of touch!? I gotta get my shoppers to buy more Goya products and let her know I followed her advice…. need her on my side. She’s got something. I need something.

Come on, man.

Weird polls out. My team says “don’t believe most of them” except they really like the one that says I’m 13 points ahead of Trump. Except they say it has nothing to do with me, more about Trump and the polls are mostly skewed to liberal responders.

However some of the polls that they were talking about were quite interesting:

1. More than 1/2 of the people polled say they would vote for anyone besides Trump, they don’t care who’s running against him
2. Almost everyone loves Mt. Rushmore and believes it is fine as is
3. 61 percent of minorities believe All Lives Matter most when asked which statement better reflected their point of view: All Lives Matter or Black Lives Matter
4. 40% of those polled think I have dementia
5. 70% of America worried about cop shortage and public safety, the most worried demographic is blacks
6. Most voters in Blue States say their finances are worsening
7. 28% of voters feel that media platforms treat and edit content in a fair and balanced way
8. 30% of blacks say a black voter who chooses me over Trump is not black
9. Most Republicans want to work through the Corona Virus while most Democrats would rather stay home and have the government send them checks for doing nothing
10. 60 percent are likely to get Anti-Covid Vaccine
11. Most voters do not trust the media, and the number of responders saying they trust that government will do what is right is in the teens

Interesting polls. They talked about some other ones, too. But the one they seemed to really enjoy was that more than 1/2 the people would vote for anyone besides Trump. They were even joking, “we could replace Joe with a sack of flour and still beat Trump” or “as long as we keep Biden from talking, we are good” or “we are stuck with Joe, but maybe we will be ok” or “get on the phone and cancel the next month of events, we got it made” or “is there any way we can get one of those face changing thingys you see on Mission Impossible – you know – with a voice box under latex or something that makes someone else look exactly like Joe and sound exactly like Joe so we can have someone else debate for Joe because that’s the only possible way he makes it 2 hours in a debate against Trump” ….

Kinda sounded like they want to keep me bunkered in the basement. I guess the plan is to keep the media going crazy about the Corona Virus as a deflection to why Biden won’t talk or leave the basement. Not a bad plan, but kinda sucks. It’s cold in here.

Come on, man.

I keep asking what “woke” means. I always get a bunch of mumbo jumbo from my team on what it means to be woke. I looked it up, on the line, too. What I found was simple and made sense to me – “Woke” means “alert to injustice in society, especially racism.”

I think I’m finally “woke.” I looked up the definition for injustice just to make sure. Besides the very cool-looking DC comics game called “Injustice” (and Injustice II) — I found this simple definition: injustice – lack of fairness.

Fairness. Equality. I get it. I’m woke.

Too many people of color have less opportunity for the education they deserve. That’s not fair. Who’s fault is it? Trump, of course.

Tearing down statues is a problem, says the “right,” because it’s erasing our history. But, likewise, I need to “erase” my history. Erase my 100 years as a public servant where I put in little effort to improve schools. Tear down that Biden history!! Produce a revisionist Biden history that credits me with any positive thing we can scrape up of stuff that I may have been in the room for…Anything…?

America is a great country. Free. But, maybe it is a little better for white people. When you are white, you can be a Democrat, a Republican, an independent, and even one of the looney Libertarians. Yes super silly Libertarians who seek to maximize individual freedom and promote “less government not more.” But that’s not my point. My point is white people can be whatever they want, as long as they never say “All Lives Matter.” Holy cow.

Black people – well, they have to be Democrats. Definitely not equal – but they just don’t have the same choices white people have. They can’t be for less government, then they would be traitors to their race. They can’t want MORE police for their neighborhoods – because that would make them pro-police and anti-BLM. Terry Crews – getting death threats for having an opinion. Crazy stuff. And on and on and on.

Really the only thing better for blacks is that they can hire body builders to pretend to attack them, then file a police report on the fake hate crime – then gets lots of media attention – then have zero consequences….

Come on, man.