Lots going on this week. I think Slim Tim Walz asked for money from the federal government to help them with issues in MN. The peaceful protests have been estimated to cause about $500 million worth of damage in Minneapolis. It seems to make sense that the federal government would need to take money from people all over the country – Arizona, Florida, Mississippi, Louisiana – Taxpayers from EVERYWHERE to help Minnesota. Because Minnesota did nothing to stop the damage. And so, the rest of the people should pay. But apparently the guy usurping the throne in the White House said no, or I think that is how it was explained to me.
Realistically, I’m not sure even how long Minnesotans can hold their heads up without changing a lot about their state. I’ve been learning about racist words and cultural appropriation and harmful idioms. First, it’s not “the land of 10,000 lakes” – there are about 12,000 lakes. Shameful to lie like that. The name Minnesota was taken from a Sioux word for the major tributary – can they use a Native American word? Did they get permission? The state capitol is St. Paul and that is a name that has to go – a city named after an Apostle? It should go back to its original name “Pig’s Eye” if that’s not too offensive. Or go with Paul McCartney and they could just cross off the St. on most signs and glue on a McCartney easily. Or just replace St. with Sir! Sir Paul. Everyone loves the Beatles. A lot of people don’t like Paul, but it’s likely not as offensive as an actual Saint is. Pig’s Eye sounds appropriate. But, whatever. I win that state even if I stay in my basement so it really matters very little.
Speaking of racism and offending people – my team has been giving me lessons regarding things I have said recently:
- Master Bedroom — I often talk about my Peloton in the Master Bedroom. I must learn to replace Master with Priority. Or I could just say “the room I sleep in.”
- Genders – when asked about how many genders there are I should not just say “there are at least three” – just don’t answer, pretend I don’t hear the question. There is no right answer.
- Accents – I’m not supposed to make fun of people with accents like when I said, “You cannot go to a 7-Eleven unless you have a slight Indian accent. I’m not joking” – apparently that’s pretty racist.
- I shouldn’t make claims out loud that black people just “don’t know quite what to do,” when it comes to raising their children. Especially on a televised debate. Even if I believe that.
- I should avoid idioms and jokes. I’m not good at either. And most of my jokes are racist. Like my favorite: How many stars did the Mexican restaurant get on Yelp? Answer: Only Juan.
- Avoid saying pretty much anything unscripted. If I have to think for myself to answer a question just say “Thank you, I have to go.”
I don’t know why I get all the heat. Like I’m the only one that says offensive stuff or makes gaffes. Obama called Kanye a “jackass” and now Kanye’s running for President. Who’s the jackass now? It really makes you wonder how many pancakes fit in a canoe or why the birds keep following me. The ducks in my yard were loud and I kinda became friends with them. But this week at a campaign stop – all I could hear was chirp chirp chirp? Kinda strange. Birdsarentreal.com
I’m definitely being spied on.
Come on, man.