Month: July 2020

No one is telling me who my VP pick will be so I started Google searching my short list here in the basement to try to figure it out.

If know my team, they are probably using some cool way to make the final decision.

Let’s see what I know. Those on the list have to be women. They also need to be black, I think. Maybe African-American. Or some POC. I don’t think Liz’s 1/2000 portion of American Native is enough to count, but who knows?

Anyway, I’m sure they are deliberating. Or maybe they know who I’m picking but haven’t gotten around to telling me.

Maybe they will pick the VP based on the nickname Trump might use? That’s actually not a bad idea.

Kamala Harris – love her hair. Very sniffable. She never actually got a nickname that I know of from Trump. She might be a difficult choice for me because her first name is tricky. I can imagine Trump might just recycle some of the Beto nicknames like “Flake” or “Stone Cold Phony” but he could easily just use Crazy Kamala. Head scratcher.

Karen Bass – total commie, pretty sure she was very, very radical left until a few weeks ago and now has moved a little more to the center to try and get on my ticket. She is now just considered very radical not very, very, I think. I mean, no one knows her so the media will just spin it. When Trump pulls the “radical left” card, we will just call him “a racist” thereby stopping all debate. But, her hair isn’t quite as lovely as Kamala’s, so, probably not my first choice. Oh wait… I think Trump once called Kamala “very nasty” but who knows – from Trump, maybe it was a compliment? I’ll have to look that up later.

Susan Rice – smart cookie. Trump‘s nickname “Lyin’ Ted” for Ted Cruz might work for Susan. In fact, when you google “Susan Rice” it always comes up as “Disgraced Liar Susan Rice” – so who knows, that might actually be her legal full name – it does sounds about right. We could make some folksy jokes out of it and just normalize her predisposition to lies by saying stuff like … she lies like a dog with no legs or hey, she would piss on your leg and tell you it’s raining…. seems like fun.

Stacey Abrams – well. I think I had a whole diary entry a while back about her. Just makes me tired thinking of it. And her. And dealing with her. Super model comes to mind. I think that’s what Vanity Fair called her. Trump would probably pull out the “Lightweight” nickname like he used to use on Liz. But….That would backfire for obvious reasons. So it would be like “checkmate” from us. Ha ha. Body shaming, never a good idea. He could just use some negative “S” word like Sour Susan or Sourpuss Susan – wait, her name is Stacey. Well, whatever. I forgot what year it was yesterday on my broadcast, I can’t be expected to remember this chick’s name all the time.

Tammy Duckworth – Ducky duckworth? Is Ducky an insult?

This is just wearing me out and I still need enough energy for my next nap and the walk up the stairs…. I’ll quit now and wait for someone to give me the VP pick name when they are ready… She will be the next President so I do hope she’s good. And hope enjoys longer than normal hugs, too.

Come on, man.

Yikes. I must have been in a bad mood yesterday. I reread my diary post on Barr and it sounded like I hated my own party. Bad day, I guess. Thank goodness it’s private.

Back in the basement, I have more time to reflect and write with more thoughtful intention.

The fact is, I do privately agree with much of what Barr said like:

“This is a hearing, I thought that I was the one who was supposed to be heard.”

“We should all be able to agree that there is no place in this country for armed mobs…”

“The threat to black lives posed by crime on the streets is massively greater than any threat posed by police misconduct. The leading cause of death for young black males is homicide. Each of those lives matter.”

“The most basic responsibility of government is to ensure the rule of law, so that people can live their lives safely and without fear.”

“As elected officials of the federal government, every Member of this Committee – regardless of your political views or your feelings about the Trump Administration – should condemn violence against federal officers and destruction of federal property.”

“To tacitly condone destruction and anarchy is to abandon the basic rule-of-law principles that should unite us even in a politically divisive time.”

And, the best one….the thing Barr said to Nadler:

“You’re a real class act.”

Nadler. He’s a class act alright. I mean, it’s hard to find his neck, he is kind of short and dumpy – if he was an inch taller he would be round – and you would think that as the Chair of the House Judiciary Committee that he might actually be concerned about rising crime, lawlessness and stuff. He was pretty amazingly non-self aware about how bad it would look when he yelled at people for not wearing masks while he wasn’t wearing a mask… but such a class act. Amazing Democratic leader. Might not be far enough left to win his own district, but then again, who is these days?

Restful day today. I decided to start a puzzle and finished it in one day! On the box it said for 2-4 years! And I completed it in one day! I think I’ll show my team so they can use it as an example of my abilities the next time someone questions my mental prowess. One day! Genius.

Anyway – Barr yesterday? Like watching a debate – an adult versus a bunch of toddlers. I need someone like that on my team.

Come on, man.

I tried to give a speech about my plans today but the Democrats ugly and pathetic attacks on Barr just took the oxygen out of anything I wanted to say. They got the coverage and I got a big fat zero. My team said I was slow and boring. But i am pretty sure that was just in comparison to the putrid and vile attacks on Barr.

I watched a little of the Barr deal. It was like Barr was playing chess against 50 and beating them all. Seriously made me sad to watch. Hopefully Barr will work for me when I take over the White House. He’s kind of a badass.

The Democrats? They actually made me embarrassed to be a Democrat. Very sad. I’m no longer part of the party of Bill Clinton or even Obama. I’m hostage to the rioters, to the commies…I believe this is the future – far left policies that may ruin the United States as we know it. But that is where I am. From the basement. I’m too far gone to stop this.

Oh – on a positive note – there were a bunch of front line doctors that gave science information about kids returning to school and positive messages on cures for the China Virus. Good news for America but bad news for me trying to win an election. I need everyone to be home, alone, afraid, with no jobs. This will only help me!

So, no one should know there is positive news on the Virus! Thank goodness Google and other website people are censoring these videos of the doctors talking. We certainly don’t want anyone to know. I mean, if the electorate tries to google Dr. Stella Immanuel who says she has treated 350+ Covid patients with no casualties, they just get a bunch of stuff discrediting her and don’t see the actual videos. America is truly great because we can stifle science to help win elections. Awesome. The kids? Keeping them at home even though we all know they should be in school?!

They should suffer at home so the Democrats can win.

At least that’s what my team keeps telling me. I’m too tired to try and argue or rationalize. I had to actually take a few questions from the media (that I had in advance, and practiced – but still wore me out) today…

Come on, man.

Last night, the “Celebration of Change” fundraiser for my campaign for President was perfect. There was music, singing and some “Trump is the worst” stuff from Streisand. Great times. I decided not to go – 8pm was just too late. But I heard it was great.

I heard Kristin Chenoweth did sing a song where the lyrics implied I should come out of the basement but I should realize I won’t be that popular. Hmmm.

I’m rambling a little. I started out to write about my latest endorsement from Bernie’s former campaign co-chair Nina Turner that came out today. It sounded not as favorable as I would have liked. I think it was something like:

“It’s like saying to somebody, ‘You have a bowl of shit in front of you, and all you have to do is eat half of it instead of the whole thing.‘ It’s still shit.”

And, apparently another of Sanders’ surrogates, Cornel West, said, “We have to be true to ourselves and acknowledge that Biden is a mediocre, milquetoast, neoliberal centrist that we’ve been fighting against in the Democratic establishment.”

Neither seem like glowing endorsements. And Kristen’s song at my fundraiser? Not exactly a glowing endorsement either. What’s up, folks? I’m so far ahead in the polls! When will they fall in line and get excited for me and my POC woman VP?

Come on, man.

It’s 100 days until the election.

Tonight is my big “Celebration of Change” event. It’s hosted by Jay Leno and there will be celebrities and singers and stuff. Half my team (and nearly all the young voters I’m trying to win over) have no idea who Jay Leno is, but that’s not what I’m here to write about.

I had the worst dream. A nightmare really. It’s gotta just be all this time holed up in this basement. A person can only take so much of this. Yesterday I watched the classic movie, “China Town” – I think it’s ranked in one of the top 10 movies of all time. Jack Nicholson is so cool. But, I think it caused my nightmare.

Anyway, I want to jot this down here before I completely forget the dream. So, there I was, it was dark, I was seated in the back of a car with a gun pointed at me. I had this overwhelming fear that I was trying to get somewhere and help someone. Like I had solved a great mystery and everything was riding on me. The guy with the gun was creepy, the driver was driving erratically and I was being tossed around. It was an old car, and it was making noises like gun shots out of the back, and every noise would make me flinch like the gun pointed at me had went off…And then I was on the street. And it was horrible. And ugly. There were dirty and dying people around everywhere. The streets were full of trash, buildings had been burnt and graffitied. An American Flag was at my feet completely ripped and almost burnt to ashes. I saw a sign that said “Any Town USA” and the guy with the gun said, “Forget it, Joe, it’s Biden Town.”

And then, I woke up. Very disturbing. Horrible.

I just really need to nap today to stay awake for the Celebration of Change crap tonight that starts at 8pm EST. (I asked for 5pm start, so it could be done in time for my usual bedtime, but they listened to me on that suggestion about the same way they listen to me on policy suggestions. They didn’t.)

Now I’m a little afraid to nap, I don’t want another nightmare, certainly.

Biden Town. Really? Just feels overwhelmingly depressing and horrific.

Come on, man.

I think Warren was named my “Key Policy Advisor” which apparently means, “Liz can go out in public and talk more about me and my plans than I can.”

I get it, play nice with the Radical Left. As it is, I moved SUPER left to win the primaries. And now, I’m kind of stuck there, but on the plus side – now she’s an advisor.

Her latest communist manifesto or whatever the cool kids are calling her ideas these days (progressive?) is to make forgiving student loan debt a part of the next stimulus package.

I followed her logic and I think it does make sense. Let’s see….pandemic shuts the economy…. millions out of work. Food pantries having trouble servicing all the people who need it… families having trouble paying mortgages, feeding their kids …. businesses shutting doors for good…. People suffering mental anguish, loneliness, dying alone…. kids not able to go to school, many losing their food source with schools closed… black marine vet who tried to stop flag from being burned is beaten badly… hospitals can’t keep PPE on the shelves, people are fed up with the lockdowns, protestors are using their mothers as human shields in Portland … and there are Covid spikes in so many areas of the country..

AND thinking of all those China Virus casualties … the thing that made the list of MUST HAVES on next stimulus package is to forgive the debt of the kids who got Art degrees from Yale or whatever.

Yep. So smart – brilliant, really – and completely easy to follow the logic. I’m really looking forward to all the stuff she helps us with once I’m in the White House. She’s a peach.

Come on, man.

Wednesday the House voted to remove 11 Statues from the capital building and donate them to Smithsonian or throw them in the river or something.

The 11 Statues — including Chief Justice Roger B. Taney and a bunch of Vice Presidents, Senators, and Governors that voluntarily fought for the Confederacy or did something else bad — I’m pretty sure all of them were Democrats.

So maybe it’s not that surprising that yesterday, Louie Gohmert came in with his cowboy hat and spurs and introduced a bill to ban the Democratic Party and any other groups that historically supported the Confederacy or slavery.

He made this statement, “Since people are demanding we rid themselves of the entities, symbols and reminders of the repugnant aspects of our past, then the time has come for Democrats to acknowledge their party’s loathsome and bigoted past, and consider changing their party name to something that isn’t so blatantly and offensively tied to slavery, Jim Crow, and the Ku Klux Klan.”

So what if the Democrats largely supported slavery before, during, and after the US Civil War? That was a long time ago. And, who cares that the KKK was founded by a bunch of Democrats? And, does anyone really care that it was the Democratic Party who largely opposed the Civil Rights movement. In fact, they held the nation’s longest filibuster – for 60 days – to attempt to prevent the passing of the 1964 Civil Rights Act. Only 60 percent of Democrats voted in favor of the Civil Rights Act – while 80 percent of Republicans did.

What else? The Jim Crow laws, which legalized segregation- Democratic.

More? First black man to eat at White House with a President – Booker T. Washington with Theodore Roosevelt, a Republican.

First black Senator – Republican. Today, Tim Scott is a black Republican Senator that gave a speech a few weeks ago where he implied that the reason the Democrats refused to work with him on the Police Reform bill he wrote was not because of “what” the bill was – but because of “who” presented it. A black man? Worse – a black Republican man. How dare he!? Scott said he would have allowed amendments. Would have worked with anything they wanted. The Dems? They said no. Why? We can say we are for communities of color, but if we have to work with a black Republican to get a police reform bill passed, we say nope, apparently.

Frederick Douglass and Sojourner Truth were received at the White House by Presidents Lincoln, Grant, Hayes – all Republicans. I could go on, but I am boring even myself, which I guess I do often so … who cares?

If we do have to change our Party name, maybe an appropriate name would be the Retirement Party. Seems appropriate for me, at least. I wish I could use The Birthday Party, but Kanye already took that name. Too bad! I could have gone to events in my birthday suit. Ha ha. With a mask, of course. I’m not feeble minded.

Come on, man.

Some things just make you cringe, or maybe chuckle. Like “holy cow, what just happened?” Today – we got one of those things.

I’m not talking about the highly edited “Obama Biden Socially Distanced Conversation” that we released today. I mean I guess watching that could cause a slight cringe or maybe a chuckle – it did look like Obama was boring me most of the time, once maybe I even looked a little like I was going to nod off. I also had a few rambling answers that, even after editing, I can’t even figure out exactly what I was trying to say. And wow, Obama has really grey hair.

No, not that. Holy cow. It was Fauci. It had to be the

WORST

first pitch in baseball history. Ever.

I felt such a mix of emotions. Embarrassed for him, surprised, shocked. I’ve seen so many replays on the news – at first it was like a bad train wreck and you really can’t look away, now it just completely cracks me up.

Juuuuussst a bit outside.

Just when I thought I couldn’t bear to see him for one more second…now I want to watch that pitch over and over again and belly laugh.

Makes me think, folks….. Could it be possible that his science and advice on the Covid stuff and his baseball prowess are both terrible?

Come on, man.

Little tired after the Build Back Better speech yesterday. They let me out of my house and I read the speech pretty well. I still have some questions about how getting tax payers to hire and pay for three million new government workers helps the economy, but I just read it – I didn’t write it. Maybe there is a plan I just don’t understand.

I have to admit, it’s a little exhausting to leave the basement and travel and speak and get in and out of a car and up the stairs from the basement and talk to people. And they wouldn’t even let me pet the little boy I had to speak with. Pretty depressing.

And now, back in the basement – I’m hearing about some new virus – the “Trump Virus” that Nervous Nancy is talking about. Sounds horrible. Listening to Trump’s 5pm briefing yesterday it seemed like the Corona Virus was under control – with therapeutics available and vaccinations imminent. Trump even said he would wear a mask – and that it is patriotic to do so when social distancing wasn’t possible.

So, I guess it’s good that we have a new virus to deal with. The Trump Virus? Named after a hotel? But, if it hurts the country and the economy, it’s good for me. Fingers crossed! Widespread devastation is what we are all hoping for.

Come on, man.

My team sends out multiple different texts a day to donors and potential donors. Most say something like, “hey, folks, I know it’s a pandemic and you are probably having trouble feeding your family, but if you could just chip in $2 we can get the Orange Terror out of the White House this November” or something similar. Technically Trump won’t leave until January, if he leaves at all. But, close enough.

Anyway, occasionally, people text back like they think they are talking to me. Yesterday we got a text from a total nut job.

The text read:
Dear Basement Biden:

Here is some INTERESTING DATA-
The US Population is 330,000,000 and in 5 months the number of deaths from Covid-19 was 130,000. The number of deaths as a percent of the population is 0.03939 %, compared to the number of cancer cases diagnosed in 2019 (1,762,450) and 607,000 deaths.

This doesn’t seem far fetched because it is happening before our eyes.

A very well orchestrated plan, or an unimaginable set of events that just fell into place?!

Scare people with a virus, force them to wear masks and place them in quarantine.

Count the number of dead every second of every day, in every News Headline. By the way, ninety-nine and eight-tenths percent of the people who get the virus recover. About one to two tenths of one percent who get the virus, die – less than 1/2 of a percent die. And most have another comorbidity. Never mention that.

Close businesses = 35,000,000+ instantly unemployed.

Remove entertainment and prohibit recreation; close schools, beaches, parks, gyms, bars, restaurants, sports.

No dating. No touching. Isolate people. Dehumanize them.

Close Temples and Churches, prohibit worship. Create a vacuum and let depression, anxiety, hopelessness and desperation set in.

Then… ignite hatred and civil unrest, creating Civil War.

Empty the prisons because of the virus and fill the streets with criminals.

Send in Antifa to vandalize property, and glorify them. Undermine the law, allow rioting and looting. Attack all Law Enforcement and tell government to order a stand-down while chaos ensues.

Then… Defund Law Enforcement and abolish Police.

This is how you destroy a nation from within, and in very short order. Will it work? I guess your team, Joe, is betting that it will. And you know it’s your only chance to win in November. But we are on to you and your allies in the media. Sincerely, the Silent Majority.

Wow!

That’s the ramblings of a total nutso. Mr. Majority!? Sounds made up.

Come on, man.