Month: May 2020

I can’t believe I’ve been relegated to the basement. I’m the future leader of the free world — stuck in my own basement. Meanwhile, Ted Cruz is getting his hair cut in Dallas, the senators are back to work (and they hardly ever work), Trump hit the road this week and even tauntingly said he’d provide my campaign with rapid tests so I could emerge from the basement.

It seems that the only news coverage me or my campaign is getting right now is on how the Tara Reade allegations against Biden seem credible and how my IT geeks can’t get the basics right for my virtual events.

I was hoping the Coronavirus scare would keep me in the basement through the debates. I figured it would have been a great excuse to get out of debating Trump. But, with states opening up and people going back to work, how can I refuse to debate?? They could probably just use Trump’s more competent IT staff and get a good virtual debate going. I just don’t see how I get out of it. Unless, by then, I’ve been replaced my another candidate. Who knows!?

I keep hearing that I’m a hero for sheltering in place. I’m a warrior. Well, I didn’t serve in the military because I received a diagnosis of Asthma. A good excuse now for me to stay in the basement. Asthma, my age, and the severe lack of Vitamin D now after living in the basement for so long – none of those are great during a Coronavirus outbreak.

So, I guess it’s another day of faking crossword puzzles, then putting on my blazer and tie (no pants, what’s the point)…. and hanging in the basement like the cool people are doing. Right? How long can I keep this up?

Come on, man.

My town halls have been technical nightmares.

Then, Tampa. It was supposed to be a fun virtual rally. “It wasn’t great” was how it was described by most. It was supposed to be a cool foray into a battleground state. The blunders, blank screens, poor audio…glitchy video…. “not great“ was a nice way to describe it. Is that worse or better than “just ok”?

I had warm and thoughtful things to say. I practiced them a billion times. I was ready – but then I guess the viewers could only hear every other word.

Is there a point when the American voters start to think that if me and my team cannot even pull off a virtual town hall or virtual rally — then how could we be trusted to run America? No one could possibly think that. Could they?

Come on, man.

I can’t figure out the polls. Or if we should trust them. All of them have me trouncing Trump. That’s a cool book title: Trouncing Trump.

Trump kind of sounds like a swear work. Like “You’ve been Trumping Trounced” — that might be a good book title, too,

Where was I? The polls.

The polls are always accurate. Except when they aren’t. They weren’t that great in 2016. But this isn’t 2016. I’m not Hillary. There are no comparisons between then and now.. Except maybe… Hillary was underwater in favorability throughout 2016. Same with me. But they said she was going to win. Same as me. But she didn’t. That’s where the comparisons must end.

The people didn’t love her, weren’t excited by her, and didn’t really even like her. I get it, but I’m likeable. Loveable even. So, I don’t bring excitement to the party. So what?! People love me. The polls say the people love me, they have me beating Trump in everything. Except when you ask if they trust me to handle the economy, or jobs, or if I could lead in a pandemic. But who can trust polls?

I did get high numbers on a question about if I would be likely to fall asleep in my salad bowl at a state dinner. That’s cool, and yeah, probably accurate.

And some whipper-snapper told me today that there is a rumor that there is less than a 25 percent chance that I end up as the Democratic Party nominee for President… really? I’m all that’s left.

The polls have me trouncing Trump – and I’m all that is left. I’m the presumptive nominee. Right?

Come on, man.

Ok. I know I often get described as confused, as not being able to have a coherent thought… there is such a thing as “Bidenisms” … that’s just some dumb stuff I said or maybe gaffes. Gaffes kinda sound like giraffes but less letters. And two completely different things. See, I’m not confused. I’m not always confused. But, tonight I am.

I even asked the group here. No one could really explain it well enough to make a lot of sense.

Texas. You can carry a gun. It’s full of Republicans. Pro business. No state tax.
Little out of character – They have been letting criminals out of jail, because of Coronavirus. But, that is understandable. Unprecedented times and all.

Then today, I saw that a woman – a salon owner – Shelly something – was arrested and sentenced to a week in jail for opening her salon a little earlier than recommended.

I mean. I think it’s cool. I can’t wait to be President and then I can tell everyone to do, just ignore campaign promises and make people follow my orders. I can get a bunch of executive orders in place and push the limits of the power of the office. That sounds great.

But Texas? I hear some Uber-liberal judge got a boner asking her to apologize but she refused. So, he threw the book at her I guess. He’s the hero of the story, of course. She wanted to feed her kids!? Let them eat cake, I always say.

Come on, man.

Just cannot sleep. Rough day. Never would I imagine that my strategy team would sit me in front of a TV to watch Trump at an event to show me what a good politician is like.

It was simple. A positive message from the Honeywell plant where they are making face masks for hospital and frontline workers. Very positive message. Hand-picked minorities thanking Trump for being such a great leader through the pandemic. Trump gracious and able to string sentences together without stumbling. Everything my team wishes I was – Trump was today.

Before or after the event he didn’t have an expletive laced run-in with voters like the ones that seem to be the norm at my events.

I’m stuck in my house and Trump now out an about looking like a gracious leader with a great message of hope and positive words about the future of the economy. He even sounded genuine about the sad events and many losses of friends and family from the invisible villain. I think he was talking about Coronavirus, but I drifted off at some point. His voice was like a soft pillow. Maybe like a My Pillow, but Jill won’t let me try one. His voice gave me a little hug and made me feel safe and happy. Until I remembered I was watching my mortal enemy.

I heard one of the team in my basement mumble something to the effect of “how can we possibly beat that?!”

Come on, man.

Busy weekend. Murder She Wrote reruns, pretending to complete a crossword puzzle by writing in any letters in the boxes, and an interview with Al Sharpton. I wanted to ask him how he got away with paying himself over a million dollars in one year from his “charity” or when he planned on paying his IRS tax debt … or even why people mess up his network name and call it MSDNC instead of MSNBC – but he’s the professional so I let him ask the questions. I may have messed up a few answers, as the advisors mentioned today about a million time, but I think it went well overall.

Michelle Obama still hasn’t endorsed me. I know David Axelrod hates me and bends her ear frequently – but she should really endorse me soon. I don’t think she forgives me for that time I gave her a 6 minute hug. Too much?

Come on, man.

The website displays our clear vision:
OUR BEST DAYS STILL LIE AHEAD.

Well, I hope that holds true for fundraising. March was great, but April numbers coming together — and it’s not great. And even if we raise $1 a day from now until November (seriously no chance) – we still won’t catch Trump in money raised. Overall, Trump and GOP have such a large insurmountable lead in dollars raised. Small dollar donations, too. Which shows some excitement for the candidate.

And the coronavirus isn’t helping. Neither is the fact that I really can’t be described as invoking excitement in the electorate. We are in a large fundraising hole.

I’m optimistic. Maybe the early numbers are missing a zero at the end.

Come on, man!

Ok, so it didn’t go as well as I would have liked. I’m trying to restore the soul of America, for God’s sake. And, I gotta answer questions about sexual harassment. It was the early nineties for Christ’s sake. Try and find one man alive in business or politics who didn’t fondle or inappropriately touch a woman then. I just don’t want my records searched. There’s a lot to unpack there. Let them do it after I’m dead.

The thrill of power. It affects us all. Maybe I did some stuff to some women while I was in a position of power. I’m sure most loved it. A little hand squeeze, shoulder squeeze, a really exceptionally long uncomfortable hug, a pat on the behind, a sniff of the hair, a quiet and lingering invasion of social distance norms, a harmless reach under a skirt….

Power is thrilling. The best thing about the Coronavirus is the amazing power of government. People, who have done nothing wrong, nothing at all, have been forced to stay home – tantamount to being placed under house arrest. By government decree. People walking in parks or leaving their home can be arrested or fined. It’s an incredible amount of power. Governors and local politicians, some who received only a handful or very small amount of votes, have the power to tell their cities, counties or states — which people can work, which businesses can succeed and which can fail. And what people can and cannot do 24 hours a day. You want to garden? Nope. You want to go to the beach? Nope. You want to go to a park? Nope. Ultimate power. Who in the world would not want that power. Freedom blows. Power to control everyone and everything – that’s a thrill. The founding fathers would be proud.

Come on, man.

I’ve been having some strange dreams. Lost in a school, mask-wearing, people upset and yelling at me, weird Presidency stuff, lost in airport, looking for lost dog – just some odd dreams.

I woke up this morning after really weird dream about the Democratic convention. Bernie (or it could have been Larry David) was yelling about something so I ducked into a room to avoid him. Trump was in there and started asking me all sorts of questions and I got flustered trying to get the answers out. Then he looked at me and said “You’re Fired.” And I woke up. Very disconcerting.

People say dreams mean something. Maybe these rumors that the Democratic Party wants to replace me at the top of the ticket are getting to me.

Gotta go get ready for another softball interview with the media. Talking to Mika this morning from Morning Joe. Who names their kid Mika? Sounds Russian. Maybe later I’ll have a White Russian. Is that racist? I think I read that somewhere. This Mika interview has a few of my strategists a little worried. I have no idea why. Don’t they understand I’m the future leader of the free world. No chance I could screw up an interview with that kid Mika. Me, get flustered or not know what to say??? Really? To Mika?

Come on, man.