Month: May 2020

We have a new TV ad that is amazing. There’s a great picture of Jill and me on it in black and white. It’s kinda nostalgic, with reference to my dad and the stuff Obama did when I was VP.

The only confusing thing is something I say at the end. “You deserve a President who won’t quit.” – I hope the voters know I was talking about ME. I, me, Joe Biden, me – I won’t quit. After I get started I mean. Because I need to stay in the basement for a while longer. So, once I get out, if ever, I won’t quit. Unless I get a chance to quit the debates or skip the convention or maybe just quit campaigning because of Coronavirus. Or, you know, quit interviews at the 7 minute hard stop, because seven minutes is all I have. It’s busy here in my basement. Seven minutes is an eternity in my otherwise full day of listening to the geese. Or, if you are talking about the crossword puzzles I start. Or pretend to start.

I’m definitely not a quitter. So I’m sure the voters will understand I meant me. A guy who can rebuild the economy and won’t quit. That isn’t describing Trump. It’s definitely me.

Come on, man.

I won the Oregon primary today. I think they should have told everyone that Bernie pulled out – he got almost 20 percent of the votes even though he pulled out of the race more than a month ago.

I nearly forgot about the race. I mean, who can be expected to know the day of the week after all this time in the basement?

Last time I was in Oregon was November of last year for a fundraiser. It was pretty bad, didn’t raise enough money to pay for the gas to get there.

I’d like to say that the online stuff went better today… but not really. I think I could get a couple of teens to do better running these online podcasts and interviews then the guys I have now.

Come on, man.

Is that one word or two? Not sure. I’ll have to find the dictionary and look it up later.

Anyway, supermodel or super model. My team keeps blabbering about having me take someone named Stacey Abrams for my VP pick. I think she ran for Governor of Atlanta. I read some piece in the Washington Post about her being a supermodel. That could bring some pizazz to the ticket. Which we need.

Rough day. Today we had a live event. I came out of the basement. I tried hard. So what if a cell phone interrupted me and made me lose my train of thought. These things happen.

I still think it was great. Afterwards, I searched on the line on the google for the podcast to see if I could find unbiased info or news on it. All I could find is some pretty negative comments like … “the most interesting thing in the podcast was the overly loud Canadian geese,” or “whoever on this planet was responsible for keeping the background clear of weird, distracting, lurking guys failed miserably.”

That’s a little harsh, folks.

Well, my team hated it, too. No one had anything nice to say. I don’t know what they have to complain about. The geese were cheering me. Yay, Biden 2020, I heard them saying. I asked Jill if she heard it too and she said it’s totally normal and nothing like Tom Hanks in Castaway who thought the volleyball was talking to him after being alone too long. “It’s totally normal, honey,” is all she said. I’ve only been locked in the house 64 days. I think it’s fine, but maybe I’ll ask a volleyball later and see if it talks back just to be sure.

I don’t know what my team keeps complaining about. They write the boring stuff. They have me calling Trump “President Tweety”. Which, by the way, I completely, 100 percent deserve praise for keeping a straight face through that. Dumb stuff.

Come on, man.

Congratulations to the class of 2020. We tried unsuccessfully to record something from the Biden basement that was new and relevant and compelling to post on Twitter for the grads.

We had various issues. Technical was the worst. I would think live shots, live interviews, live town halls could have some technical issues (as we have). But when you literally have all day and all night for basically ever, and can’t get a recorded item done, I have to wonder how the other people can do it right. Obama’s commencement speech was amazing. Like a professional job. If I can ever get him to take my phone call, I’ll ask how he does it.

The other issue was me, or so they said. I think I was performing perfectly. So what if I got the year wrong or stumbled over the pronunciation of graduates, or I went a little off script and said Merry Christmas at some point. Graduates is a weird word – I’m sure no one gets it right – and no one really knows what time of the year it is since we’ve all been shuttered up for so long. Yeah, and it took me a few dozen tries to read a line on the teleprompter. Those are hard.

So, in the end the group decided to scrap the idea. Instead, they just posted a montage of the best moments from my commencement speeches in 2016, 2014, 2013, etc. on Twitter. It’s great. At least we found the team is great at editing. They made me look great.

I wonder if we can use this tactic for the debates — you know, edit a bunch of prepared stuff I said 4-40 years ago instead of having to answer stuff off the cuff… won’t the American people love that? Who could possibly want to watch me answer questions now to see if I’m fit to be President? Sounds dumb.

My most recent thought was to lean on the American with Disabilities act. I have a life long stuttering problem. Most stuttering is problems with one word or general fluid speech problems. My stuttering is more conceptual. Like saying I was endorsed by the only black female Senator while I was standing next to a different one – Kamala. Or saying I was running for senate a few months ago when I’m actually running for President. When I completely get facts, figures, where I am or what I am doing, who my wife is, or the day of week wrong – that is really stuttering. I can get the press to sell it. Or, someone on my team can. I don’t need to do everything. Or anything, they keep telling me. Just stay in the basement. Less is better, right?

Come on, man.

The Delaware stay at home order was set to expire yesterday. I spent the day trying on masks just in case I wouldn’t have an excuse to stick to the basement.

Jill says the one with the kitty face made me look ridiculous so I guess I have to stick to the black or blue one. I actually liked the red bandana best. Made me look like a cowboy holding up a bank. Like a crook. Coincidentally that’s one of the new nicknames Trump has given me. Sounds cool if you ask me. I guess for my part in illegally spying on his campaign. I don’t know which way to go on that when asked. Either I had no idea, which means Obama didn’t trust or fill me in on what was happening – or I don’t remember. The most plausible is that I don’t remember. Heck, I don’t remember what I had for breakfast. Could also be for the ways me and my family have profited from my time in office…$1.5 billion from China, the Paradigm Global deal, Burisma – and more. My brother, sons. Hmm. Crook. I don’t think it will stick, tho. Never stuck to Hillary. Wait. Crooked Hillary. That’s what I call her. Well, I would give up Sleepy Joe or Creepy Joe for Joe the Crook. At least Joe the Crook implies I can do something and doesn’t play into the #metoo stuff.

Anyway, the Delaware stay at home was extended to May 31, which gives me a few more weeks to figure out the mask situation.

My staff is mad at me because yesterday I screwed up a talking point. I was supposed to say that the Tara Reade thing never happened and my constituents should trust and vote for me. Instead I said something about voting with your heart. And that if you believe Tara, don’t vote for me. That kind of puts me in a bind. First, I said believe all women. Then, I said if you believe Tara, don’t vote for me. So, I basically just asked everyone to not vote for me. I even said I wouldn’t vote for me. In the moment, seemed like the right thing to say. But after the fact, I guess it seems a little off, folks. So what!? I got confused. People are used to that by now.

Tara – She’s believable, credible. I mean, there’s probably a little bit of an exaggeration there. I’m fairly sure I just put my hand on her ass, pushed her up against the wall and held her there while I sniffed her hair and maybe said some creepy things. That’s not unusual. I’ve said many times I don’t remember her – but she looks nothing like she did almost 30 years ago.

Have to run to a call about fundraising, which appears to be very low. Maybe the house included stimulus money for my campaign in their new $3 trillion bill yesterday. They have everything else in there that has nothing to do with the Virus, would have been brilliant to include the Biden campaign! Why didn’t Nancy think of that?!

Come on, man.

Sometimes I get confused on the talking points I need to get across. It’s hard to understand some. Take this one, for example

Talking point one: The Trump administration is deflecting blame. The blame on this pandemic rests solely on Trump but he wants us all to believe we should blame China.

That’s confusing to me. Didn’t this virus come FROM China? Didn’t China lie about it, cover it up, ask the WHO to cover it up? Didn’t they prohibit travel within China to protect their own, but if affected people went throughout the world, that was ok? Blaming China doesn’t seem wrong. But, I guess it is. They are still communist enemies, I think. But they’re not bad folks, folks? Got it. Trump bad. China good.

There are more talking points, but I can’t find the paper right now. I think I have them on an email somewhere. Need to get Jill to help me find them soon. The media has their list of questions, I have my list of answers. Just need to keep practicing. Practice makes perfect.

The few things I know and understand:

I’m still on lockdown, but can now do some interviews upstairs out of the basement. Pants are still optional.

I have seven minutes TOPS for each media interview. I’m not sure why, but I know that’s the edict from above. It’s not like I’m doing anything else. I’m not even essential enough to leave my house. But seven minutes limits the number of gaffs I can make per interview, I guess. Maybe the people controlling my actions are concerned about my stamina. I think that the next time I see them, if that ever happens, I’ll challenge them to a push-up contest.

Delaware’s stay at home order expires 5/15. That’s tomorrow. I’m sure it will be extended. Maybe to August like Los Angeles. Maybe forever so I can get out of leaving the house or letting anyone in. Wouldn’t that be cool!! Could I go straight from my basement to the basement of White House? There is a bowling alley in that basement. That would be cool.

If I am caught in a lie, just say “I didn’t hear the question” or I “misunderstood the question” or pretend the audio isn’t working well. That’s been working, stick with it.

One more day at home, less of me for the American public, one more day closer to the White House.

Jill just yelled from the kitchen to inform me that my Cream of Wheat with prunes is ready and I better go eat. It’s best luke warm, can’t let it get cold. That would be a shame.

Come on, man.

California is a great state. I am absolutely guaranteed to win CA in the election. Count those electoral college votes blue no matter what. The Dems could run a sack of flour and win CA against Trump. Especially now. CA wants people to carry Covid 19 Essential worker cards in order to leave their houses, but an ID is not needed to vote. The state is emptying the jails of criminals for coronavirus fears but filling them back up with the people who dare to go to the beach or open up businesses. It’s a great grab of power. Love the feel of that.

I just heard that my friend’s uncle, a long time republican and conservative is finally going to vote Democrat in CA for the Presidential election. I thought that was great and I must have been a compelling candidate for him to switch parties. My friend informed me that his uncle actually died, but with mail in ballots …. who would know!? So, a vote from the grave….. that works, I’ll take it.

Basement a little chilly this morning. Someone messed with the thermostat. Well, with only two people in the house – must have been Jill. Unless I forgot and changed it. Maybe I should put of pants. Nah, I’ll get a blanket. What was I thinking!?

Come on, man.

Watching a snorefest from the basement. No, not a playback of one of my town halls. It’s a Fauci/CDC/Senate hearing. Bunch of large words like therapeutics, modality, parallel, gloves, essential… and acronyms like PPE, PPP, MASKS – just jumbles of stuff that really put me to sleep.

It’s all bad theatre. That reminds me, I would love to go to the theatre. Wonder when I’ll get the green light to leave the basement and can see a good movie or go to a Broadway show. Or even just get a green light to see another human. Besides Jill and the dog, I haven’t talked to an actual human in the flesh in months. Well, one staffer – but that hardly counts.

I did wake up in time to watch Tim Kaine. Now that’s what you get when you look up who NOT to choose for a Vice Presidential running mate. He is truly just not likeable and kinda creepy. How does he keep his senate seat? I love Democrats generally, even the sucky ones – but watching him talk gives me the heebie jeebies. Oh. And that democrat Mitt Romney. Not sure why people like him either. Kinda like a robot. Way back when he was a Republican it was fun beating him and the VP he chose, although I just can’t remember his name. I do remember my debate with him — described as a high-energy performance – part angry bar-room debater, part condescending elder uncle, part comic mime artist. How many years ago was that? 20? I went from high energy brawler to Sleepy Joe? Yeah. I guess hiding out in my basement kinda solidifies the New Me. Every once in a while, I get in a punch — but I’m usually just the guy in his blazer and underwear in the basement having trouble stringing two sentences together. Little sad. Maybe.

But, I like to think of myself more as the crazy uncle at the end of the table at Thanksgiving. Lots to offer. I have experience. I’ve been in politics for like 150 years. And I was VP. As VP, I did stuff Obama didn’t want to. And showed up to some places Obama didn’t want to.

Ok. I throw out incoherent rants now and then and sometimes have to be nudged a little to wake up. But, that’s part of my charm. I’ll make an incredible President, regardless of what Jill thinks. Her rousing endorsement of me was that people should “swallow a little” and vote for me. Like they held their nose when they voted for Hillary!?

Come on, man.

Still stuck in the basement. Best tweet my staff could muster today was:

“I believe everyone deserves a fair shot at success — not just the Mar-a-Lago crowd.”

Even I thought it was lame. I wanted to Twitter out a meme that I saw that said “Why are we shutting down the US for a virus that has a lower kill rate than knowing dirt on the Clintons.”

I thought that would be funny.

But NO. My team opts for some elitist reference to a place most Americans don’t even know where or what it is. They have no idea how good the chocolate cake is there – although they MAY have heard Trump likes two scoops of ice cream on his … but I doubt they understand whatever it was we were trying to say in the tweet. Everyone on the planet would have understood the Clinton tweet I wanted.

Come on, man.

God, I admire you. One of my favorite movies, Fletch, has that famous quote. Probably what I would say to Bill Barr if I saw him and no one else was listening and he was under strict gag order on repeating anything I said, ever. Fletch. God, I love that movie. I’m into a Chevy Chase marathon of movies. Not like I have anything else to do. Future leader of the planet not taxing at this point. I want to do something, but not much going on in the basement. Was it a bomb that made me come down here? Gonna have to read my previous entries to spark my memory. One day goes into the next. Need to get some of these people around me to shut up so I can move on to “Spies Like Us”…

Come on, man.