Month: April 2020

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. That’s what they keep saying.

I’m on record saying:

“For a woman to come forward in the glaring lights of focus, nationally, you’ve got to start off with the presumption that at least the essence of what she’s talking about is real.”

So. Tara Reade. I’ve been described as an unprincipled political insider that brings very little excitement to the Democratic Party. Others have said I’m fundamentally weak, unreliable, and dishonest – a guy who would give you a warm smile and then sell you out behind closed doors. “Middle Class Joe” — A person with a “middle class” image but actually sucks up to the rich, elite, and powerful and has contempt for ordinary people and also used my office to rake in millions for myself. I guess I’ve also been described as a likable guy who doesn’t seem so bad, and was good enough for Obama to take as Veep. And Obama can’t run again, so maybe Biden is not the perfect candidate – but he isn’t the worst choice.
Not sure where I am going with this.

Oh yeah. Tara Reade. Of all the things that have been said – usually sexual assault or harassment isn’t usually said. At least in the media. I mean – there is a lot of discussion about me inappropriately touching people – especially women and children – but Tara Reade in the hallway kind of stuff? No. And why would it start now? Seriously, I love that the media are on such a a short leash that not ONE question about Ms. Reade has been asked. Someone should give Tucker Carlson a stern talking to. He doesn’t seem to be willing to overlook this even while the rest of the world’s media looks the other way. Hmmm. Put that on the “to do” list.

Tomorrow is May. Arthritis Awareness Month. There is even World Hand Hygiene Day May 5. Much more appropriate for my campaign discussions. Just gotta get through April.

Come on, man.

Well. I don’t love virtual Town Halls.

I didn’t realize how many times Hillary says UM or aaaaah when she speaks. But, she’s pretty boring. So what if I fell asleep once and spent much of the rest of it on my phone. Hillary said she was “thrilled“ to endorse me – she actually used the word thrilled a few times —but she really never looked thrilled – she looked like a bobblehead – and the whole thing seemed forced and weird. And Boring. Resident sleeper.

Listening to Hillary drone on – and shaking her head —- is she ok? —- and trying to figure out what to say next … the whole thing was brutal. I can only hope her endorsement of me helps more than my endorsement in 2016 helped her. I hope she doesn’t end up campaigning for me. And, I hope I don’t have to listen to her ever again for more than a few seconds for as long as I live.

Also – afterwards I had to listen to the “constructive criticism” from the campaign staff:

don’t touch your face.. try to use inflection … pretend you are interesting .. look into the camera… stay off your phone, don’t hunch … why do you need to wipe your nose on camera? you’re supposed to be talking Corona Virus stuff and you’re rubbing your eyes and mouth, you moron, we’ve told you a million times to not touch your face and it really makes you look dumb at this point … could you please ACT interested when your guests speak? …. we need to work on your laugh, it’s a little creepy… blah blah blah.

It got a little pointed and mean. I think one positive takeaway was that it went so poorly I may not have to do another one for a while. At least there is no recommendation to do one with Hillary again. It’s was less than an hour long but really seemed like forever and a day. For me and the viewers, I’m sure.

Jill says no one watched it anyway. And they turned off the comments online so the people watching wouldn’t be able to comment on how bad it was AND we could just have the media spin the narrative and report that it was great.

Hillary said it was fun!?

Come on, man.

It’s my favorite type of event. Tons of people. I can push a few attendees if they ask tough questions about guns or pipelines or Climate change or Hunter or whatever. I can challenge them to push-up contests. I can tell cool stories about the hair on my legs. I’m close to people, can sniff them. I have a special power – super sniffer. Never told anyone. Kinda like Mesmer can read people by touching them. I can read people by sniffing their hair. At least that’s a good cover story … maybe.

Today is a VIRTUAL Town Hall. Which I’m told is watched mainly by bots. I think that’s short for a type of voter. Boys over thirty maybe. They say the bots make it look like a lot people care what I’m saying on these Town Halls. So that’s good.

Still don’t understand why I can’t talk to the press. Feels like preventive defense. Football. Preventive defense is what “prevents” you from winning, I always say. The strategists keep saying “play to my strengths” which leads me to believe they think my strengths do not include answering questions from the media. Wow.

Come on, man.

Guilty pleasure.

Watching Greg Gutfeld show on a Saturday night.

I’m not sure how they get Adam Schiff to appear on there so much, but he has some doozy appearances on the show.

Beats watching Jill puzzle or listening to the campaign staff blather on about how well I’m doing by NOT being in public eye, or pretending to read.

Gutfeld made fun of me coughing into my hands, touching my face a lot, and rubbing my nose on my virtual town hall. Then, the great Tom Shillue did a cool impression of me. Never gets old.

The pirate-looking guest confused me. Some guy with an eye mask. Dan Crenshaw. Eye Mask? I know you’re supposed to wear a mask in public. But, it’s supposed to be over your nose and mouth.

Come on, man.

I love Jill. But after all this time in the house — Corona Virus all the time —- as much as I love her, as much as anyone loves anyone else – sometimes enough is enough. A month in the house…. seems like an eternity… as much as I love her – it’s becoming hard to be cooped up, and she’s become annoying.

She finishes my words, helps me remember what I’m doing, wipes my chin when I eat. She’s helping me get up and down from my chair, reminding me to put on pants, helping me put on my socks. She’s helpful, and I should be thankful – but she’s always around. Talking …. chewing …. breathing… I can’t take it. She keeps reminding me we need to stay quarantined because I’m at high risk from the bat China flu virus thingy. Bats are so cool. I wonder if they taste like chicken?

My point is… some people you can take for months with no problem. Jill is one of those people – but quarantine is really pushing the envelope on this.

And then there is Liz. Pocahontas. She is what I call a “small dose only” person. A person would probably be tempted to shoot themselves if they were quarantined with Liz. Within a few days. That reminds me. I don’t think I’ve seen her husband or heard from him lately. Hmmm.

My team is telling me to take Liz as my VP pick. God help me. And God help the electorate who will be forced to listen to that whiny voice for the next few months. She may be smart, she may have a lot of plans, but she’s extremely annoying. Like fingernails on a chalkboard. I love the smell of chalk. It gets on your hands and then sometimes on your pants but it’s something that I’ve always wondered how they make. Liz might know. Maybe I’ll ask her. Wait – I don’t want to talk to her at all. It scares me that she’s the top of the list for VP. There’s no one else!?

The other thing I’m getting sick of? Jill keeps reminding everyone to stay 6 feet away from me. Like – what’s the problem? – Does she think I’m going to grope everyone!!??

Come on, man.

I’m still running for President. At least I think so. Some stuff is a little fuzzy. Also, the guy that is supposed to tell me what day it is hasn’t been around lately. Jill is getting tired of me asking the same question over and over again. “It’s Wednesday for God’s sake“, she said last time with an irritation in her voice and an eye roll. This is how she treats the President to be.

I guess we are setting up a task force to find a VP. I’ll announce the task force in May. Big announcement. May 1. May Day. April showers bring May flowers. Isn’t May Day some communist day?

I’m announcing a team of people who can tell me who I should pick. I have to find someone that has different strengths than me. Right now, we are trying to list my strengths. The pro and con list of Joe Biden. One side is looking a little bleak. Although they didn’t let me read the lists, I got a peek at the really long list and saw two items on list:

1. Hunter
2. Graduated as number 76 ranked student out of 85 in law school

Lots of positives, I guess. May be hard. I gotta get out of this basement.

Come on, man.

Michelle. I would beg her to run with me. Not that begging helped me get Barack’s endorsement. He waited until he had no other choice. I doubt begging would help with her either. Michelle is a nice name. Michelle, my bell. My Michelle. Or is it Belle? Michelle, my belle? Biden Belle. Nice ring to it.
How could Michelle turn down first female VP or first female President once I step aside? She could be 12 more years in the White House.
It sucks being hunkered up in the basement while Trump spends hours a day on TV. I wrote a post-it with Corona Virus on it so I could remember why Major and I are stuck in the basement. Major would be a super cool White House dog. Trump doesn’t even have a dog.
Who am I kidding.? The Vice President job sucks. I would know. If I can’t beg her to run with me, maybe she will eventually find time to endorse me? Maybe she’s busy with traveling and book signings and stuff. Busy times. I’m stuck in the basement, but she’s probably still really busy so can’t find time to come out and endorse me. That makes sense.
Jill says I screwed the pooch, (which I definitely did not, I’m not even attracted to Major) by promising to take a woman VP. The drop from Michelle to the next woman running mate is massive. Like Whitmer. Imagine her nickname – witless. Trump calls her half Whitmer and the natives are restless in Michigan after she made some pretty weird demands. Really unpopular now. Then we have Pocahontas – she couldn’t even win her own state. Or Abrams – ditto. Pot-smoking Kamala? She has a weird laugh. Her teeth look like candy.
Where’s major?
Have to go do some more begging…. I have to beg my campaign staff to see if they’ll let me do some interviews or another Town Hall. It’s killing me just sitting here. How long have I been in the basement?! Too fucking long. They just say “America knows Joe” and “laying low could help me win” – not sure what that means? Too much of a good thing? Or, the less America sees me, the better they like me? Seems backward. But, they must know best.

But, I need to get out of the basement.

Come on, man.

Barack endorsed me. It made sense for him to wait until I received the nomination. I made the most sense given no other choices.

Jill said he sounded a little forced. Space Force sounded cool when Trump came up with that. Everything Trump says is wrong so I hate Space Force. To me, Barack sounded like the first African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy, I mean, that’s a storybook, man.

The kid who was hired to tell me what day of the week it is just sat down with me to discuss what he called, a “disjointed” interview Friday. Talk about funny words. Disjointed. Kinky. Anyway, what was wrong with this:

“You know, there’s a, uh — during World War II, you know, Roosevelt came up with a thing that uh, you know was totally different than a, than the, you know he called it you know the, World War II, he had the war… the war production board.”

??

Perfectly clear and precise to me.

Come on, man.

This is my first email, entry to diary, whatever – to myself – that I will try.

Let’s review. Hillary calls and says “I used to write in a digital diary on campaign trail” to help with stress. Contrary to general belief, she doesn’t smell like sulfur or cabbage, it’s more of a mixture of anger, apples and Vodka. Does anger really have a smell? Gotta ask about that one. I probably have a staffer that can help me with that.

Stress is a funny word, Hillary not funny. But she calls, gives me password for a digital diary, or some thing she says I have to try.
I write down the password on a blue post-it so I wouldn’t forget. It was “password” but with a capital P. Got it. Blue post-its are better than yellow. Yellow is for cowards. Yellow bellied.
I usually write stuff down with a pencil – just write stuff down. So I don’t forget them. This probably better than writing them by hand. Especially because I can barely read my own handwriting.

I’m not sure what else to write. I had good news that my Twitter followers finally got to 6 percent of Trump’s followers and 4 percent of Barack Obama’s. So, seems like there is some excitement for my candidacy and what I have to say! I heard one staffer say that about 20,000 have watched my town hall this week on YouTube and that is almost as much as the video showing Diamond and Silk talking about how they will refuse to get the Coronavirus Vaccine. So, pretty good start, I guess. Seems like this on the line campaigning is going to be easy. If I can eventually talk the camera broad into letting me sniff her hair, it’s gonna be great.

Hillary also said I gotta end each entry with “more later” but I’m thinking “come on, man” or “c-mon man!!” seems more appropriate for me.

Come on, man!

yeah, that’s good.